Security

Burglar Blaster

Burglar Blaster, the DIY Home Security System, Scenario 1: It's late. You're in the living room watching your DVR of Michigan about to bone it in the tournament after two rounds of respectable action (sorry, Cornelius...

Instant Home Marijuana Test Kit

$6.98 from Amazon »

My company doesn't do drug testing because it recognizes that recreational weed use has far less of an impact on an employee's ability to perform well at work than, say, the office kegerator that gets tapped every Friday...

DoorBot Smartphone Video Doorbell

$189 - $339 from Christie Street »

Last week I recounted my triumphant tale of Scrabble domination over a girl I once dated. At that time, I literally had not seen...or even really thought about...this girl for at least 3 years. But then I wrote about...

SelectaDNA Human Marking & Tracking Guns

Genetics always triumph in the end. In the case of the SelectaDNA High Velocity DNA Tagging System, pellet-sized building blocks of life fire from either a pistol or a rifle at a target up to 100 to 130 feet away--typically...

Tactical Whistle

$12 - $22 from CRL Products »

Never one to pass up the opportunity to protect myself or promote hearing loss, I think I'll take a Cybernetic Research Labs Tactical Whistle in every color. I'll give the pink one to the next girl I ask out as assurance...

HitchSafe Key Vault

$46.70 from Amazon »

The HitchSafe Key Vault: Because there's no better place to stash your singles in the event of spontaneous strip shows on the Platinum Stage Hitch Pole. Also, it can safely guard spare house and car keys, as well as mind...

Life Armor Disaster Shelter

$5k from Seikoh »

The recent, tragic path of Hurricane Sandy reminds us that disaster planning shouldn't just be relegated to theoretical discussions and jokes about Zombie Apocalypses. Seikoh's Life Armor Disaster Shelter can accommodate...

Chick-A-Dee Smoke Detector

Discontinued

Historically, birds have been used to do a lot of man's dirty work. Roosters wake our lazy behinds up. Doves and carrier pigeons battle the elements to deliver our correspondences. Canaries sacrifice their lives alerting...

BedBunker Safes

$3,150 - $6,680 from BedBunker »

Do you know, BedBunker, how long it's taken me to find an acceptably secure and clandestine means of stashing my mint condition Transformers and GI Joes? Do you know how many potential thieves I've had to ward off, or...

Portable Intruder Alarm

Sold Out from Amazon »

A 3" x 1" alarm that attaches to any door or window, and fires a powerful siren if anyone enters. It's the perfect companion for travelers, people with nosy mothers and girlfriends, and the inexplicably paranoid. In addition...

Lipstick Pepper Spray

$4 - $12.93 from Amazon »

Pucker up, 'cause this big, fat, sloppy, wet one's landing right in the kisser! Ladies, we know all of your lip services are killer, but add a tube of lipstick pepper spray to your beauty routine, and they'll also be...

Vampire Slaying Kit

Sold Out from Etsy »

In some cases, an obsession has gone too far when someone ends up dead. In this case, the obsession is already dead, and you are simply protecting yourself from it, so don't let any of those self-righteous SOBs who think...

LCD Panel Peephole

Sold Out from Amazon »

For hosts, no more contracting pink eye or ocular herpes from smooshing your cornea against the peephole. For guests, no more wondering how much worse your wide hips or severe jaw line look magnified and distorted on...

Maze Door Chain Lock

$49.99 from ThinkGeek »

Equally adept at keeping your more retarded friends locked in as getting them all killed in a fire, the Defendius Labyrinth Security Lock is a pretty cool concept. Wouldn't this be better for impeding entry to keep all...