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Softies Ultra Soft Snuggle Lounger

$94 from Amazon »

Is it the Softies Snuggle Lounger that makes me want to cuddle up and bury my hands and face in that seat of buttery velvet, or is it the girl in the Softies Snuggle Lounger? It's both, dudes. It is absolutely both. And...

The Lollipop Wipe - Chocolate-Flavored Crotch Cleaner

$14.99 from Amazon »

It tastes like dark chocolate and it's latex-compatible, ladies and gentlemen. Lollipop Wipes are individually wrapped pieces of black rayon paper infused with an edible - and dark-chocolate-flavored! - water-based cream...

SZQHT Wide Jaw Nail Clippers

$9.97 - $12.72 from Amazon »

Ready for a little DIY, at-home snip, snip? This time for your fingernails and toenails, rather than your vas deferens*. SZQHT levels up your cheap and crusty nail clippers with their line of ergonomic, wide jaw trimmers...

CVS Receipt Scarf

$20 from Amazon »

Thanks for shopping at CVS! Here's your 6'-long receipt for the pack of condoms you bought for you 6"-long penis. Yep, our receipts are long and strong, here to make you feel inadequate and environmentally unfriendly...

Bob Ross Bandages

$8.78 from Amazon »

Of all the pieces of Bob Ross merch out there, Bob Ross Bandages are one of the few that actually make sense. They're right up there with the Bob Ross Chia Pet because, as the boo-boo covers state with pride: in injuries...

Uberlube Luxury Lubricant

$18 from Amazon »

Since the self-driving car and going public things haven't worked out so well for Uber, they've decided to diversify with a foray into the personal lubricant business. Uberlube, a luxury lubricant for discerning "ridesharers,"...

Valentine's Day Surprise Scratch-Off Card

$5 from Etsy »

This Valentine's Day Surprise scratch-off card gives me pause. Normally I consider receiving a greeting card the equivalent of receiving a fancy piece of trash, since that's where it's going to end up a day or two later...

Smell Proof Bag with Combination Lock

$27.99 from Amazon »

OZCHIN's smell proof bag with combination lock will keep sticky fingers and bloodhound noses away from your stash of stinky weed. The unassuming zippered storage case is an 8.5" x 5.5" x 4.5" block that opens to reveal...

UFO Raincoat

$4.19 - $14.97 from Amazon »

Bow down to the grandma rockin' the UFO Raincoat. What an honor it must be to have been selected to model this hot piece of haute couture. And the designer of the inclement-weather-thwarting flying saucer! Please tell...

Musch Musch Designs - Your Privates on a Pendant (NSFW)

$67 - $80 from Musch Musch »

And if you're not into your privates on a pendant, Musch Musch will also hand make (hand job?) photos of your very own penis, vagina, boobies, or butthole into a bracelet, a mug, or, for the ultimate dick pic, a 3D piece...

Nubrella Wearable Hands-Free Umbrella

$74.98 from Amazon »

I don't know why my first instinct...and second and third...is to make fun of the Nubrella. A wearable hands-free umbrella that mounts to your back, shielding you from rain and shading you from sun, no gripping, positioning...

Garmin Fenix 6 Sapphire Multisport GPS Watch

$730.95 - $999.99 from Amazon »

The Garmin Fenix 6 Sapphire Multisport GPS Watch is an expensive commitment to being a badass. Top of the line in build and features, the Fenix 6 Sapphire edition brings some of the following to your outdoor and fitness...

VindKan Penis Enlargement Underwear

$28.99 from Amazon »

Happy New Year from your penis, the little pants snake that thinks VindKan Penis Enlargement Underwear might help him show up to 2020's ssssex ssssessions a little less perky garter and a little more long, lashing anaconda...

Men's Half Thong (NSFW)

$0.99 from Amazon »

Never mind all the male bush and taint action going on in these Men's Half Thong photos, what I really want to know is: how the half thong does a dude wear a half thong? How does it stay on? Is there an adhesive involved?...

Baby Yoda Baby on Board Windshield Decal

$10 from Amazon »

On board, Baby Yoda is. And while the Baby Yoda drawn in this clever take on the Baby on Board windshield decals is nowhere near as adorable as The Mandalorian's actual Baby Yoda, I still appreciate the reference, and...

Women's Lace Kimono Robe

$17.79 from Amazon »

A little bit of kimono for the lady wearing this sexy lace robe, a lot of kimoano for the dude who sees her in it. These Kimono Robes stimulate, seduce, and bring up the boners, but with flowing butterfly sleeves and...

Christmas Tree Kitty Carpet - Reusable Crotch Wig

$8.95 from Amazon »

Wife or girlfriend wishing for a kitty under the Christmas tree this year? Welp, get her a Christmas Tree Kitty Carpet and you'll basically be giving her exactly what she asked for. While saving yourself the allergic...

Micro TagBand Skin Tag Remover

$19.95 from Amazon »

The Micro TagBand skin tag remover is a tiny, low-tech tool for popping off bulbous mounds of excess flesh by way of slow strangulation...

MindInsole Acupressure Magnetic Insoles

$9.99 from Amazon »

A reflexology massage and fat-cell-weakening magnetic stimulation session while you walk - how's that for incentive to slide in a pair of MindInsole acupressure magnetic insoles and hoof it instead of driving to the store...

FridaBalls New Dad Boxers with Cup for Baby Cheap Shots

$27.99 from Amazon »

Because no one want to feel the baby kick after it's born. FridaBalls are boxer briefs for new dads, or existing but amateur dads, who haven't learned to dodge the flying limbs and wiffle ball bats of their babies, toddlers...

Deejo Tattoo Knives

$44.90 - $79.90 from Amazon »

According to the folding knife's bladesmiths, "To tattoo the Deejo as we mark our skin is to give another dimension, a true identity, to this personal possession." Deejo Tattoo Knives are the product of a fine engraving...

Wearable Blanket

$22.99 - $38.99 from Amazon »

Now this is the wearable of the season. I'd take a wearable blanket - hoodie style! - over pretty much any other wearable tech nonsense they've got going on right now...

Ice Roller - Therapeutic Skincare & Pain Relief

$14.99 from Amazon »

Dull skin, inflammation, and even aches and pains get the freeze-out with the Ice Roller for face and body...

Maxsoft Scalp Massager & Shampoo Brush

$6.98 - $8.99 from Amazon »

If scalp massages tickle your pickle, get ready to enjoy some serious tickling of your pickle with Maxsoft's scalp massager & shampoo brush. In the shower no less! My second favorite place to tickle my pickle next to...