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Foots Love Broken Toe Wraps

$9.80 from Amazon »

Foots Love Broken Toe. I can't help but read that curious name for a broken toe wrap and crooked / hammer toe splint like, "Foots be lovin' them some broken toes. So come on, son, drop that dumbbell on piggies 2 and 3...

Corgi Butt Leggings

$53.19 from Etsy »

Why you gotta taunt me, Corgi Butt Leggings? Like I don't want to pet, pat, and smack my wife's ass often enough as it is. Especially now that we're sheltering up in place, so it's within about 50' of me 24/7. Adding...

Shower Foot Massager, Scrubber & Cleaner

$14.95 from Amazon »

When I went to my Nana's as an ornery kid, and either didn't want to take a shower, or didn't clean myself to her liking, she always told me the same thing: "If you don't get in that shower and do it right, I'll come...

Like a Good Neighbor Social Distancing T-Shirt

Sold Out from Amazon »

Like a good neighbor, stay over there. You can get it as a social distancing T-shirt. A social distancing coffee mug. A social distancing doormat. And that's not all, because it's official: the COVID-19 merch is here!...

Remington Shortcut Pro Self-Haircut Kit

$52.09 from Amazon »

Time to learn a new skill...and maybe learn to love a new haircut. The Remington Shortcut Pro is a self-haircut kit that could see a big surge in popularity if barber shops and hair salons remain closed for the foreseeable...

Ingrown Toenail Correction Tool

$8.99 from Amazon »

Nothing like fighting the inflicted pain of an ingrown toenail with...inflicting pain to remove the ingrown toenail. This ingrown toenail correction tool looks like a torture device created by evil nail salon owners...

Your Girl Hugging Your Crotch Boxer Briefs

$19.59 from Amazon »

Not much to add to these boxer briefs. Oh, except for a picture of your girl - girlfriend, wife, crush, black-hearted ex Karen - strategically placed at the crotchal region so as to look like she's hugging your cock...

I Wash My Hands of The Virus COVID-19 Buttons

$14.95 - $118.95 from Amazon »

I guess these I Wash My Hands of The Virus buttons are the equivalents of I Voted buttons for people who practice responsible COVID-19 prevention practices. Or maybe they'll appeal to the growing frustration with the...

Crapper Concealer - Toilet Stall Shoe Covers

The Crapper Concealer is a set of shoe covers you slip over your feet to maintain anonymity when you use a public toilet stall. And by "use" I mean poop. Shit. Drop a fat deuce. Brown-out destroy. Do things to that poor...

Fireproof, Waterproof, Windproof 100 Year Hoodie

$495 from Vollebak »

Version 3 of Vollebak's 100 Year Hoodie is like the Anti-Captain Planet of outerwear. It repels wind, rain, snow, and now, fire. Earth is still missing though. Maybe they'll build version 4 to emit a force field against...

Fanny DeVito - Danny DeVito Fanny Pack

The Fanny DeVito is a portmanteau of Danny DeVito and a fanny pack in both glorious name and glorious practice. What looks to be a decently made canvas hip pack serves as the It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia actor's...

Racist BS Cat Cover-Up Stickers

$1.50 - $8.63 from Cracks Appearing Distro »

It's a cat cover-up! No, not a cover-up orchestrated by cats, say, to hide all that toilet paper they just shredded as you tried to hoard it amidst the coronavirus outbreak. A cover-up in sticker form, one that pairs...

HOKA TenNine Sneakers

$250 from HOKA One One »

Baby. Got. Back. If you'd like some sneakers to help you get rid of a big, saggy ass, I present for your consideration HOKA TenNines. Sneakers that themselves have a big, saggy ass...

18K Gold & Diamond Pave Skull Ring

$2,999 from Etsy »

His name is Rrrico. Rrrico Pave. This sold 18K gold and diamond pave skull ring sees 2.9 carats of ethically sourced South African diamonds embedded flush and showy in a human-style skull made in your choice of hollow...

GloFX Pixel Pro Infinite Portal Goggles

$89.99 from Amazon »

Call me 4-eyes again and I'll suck you into the hell portals that are the outer 2 of them! Nah, I'm just kiddin'. I'm too high to do that right now. Let's just dance like maniacs to the strobing LEDs and pass out once...

EDC Titanium Earpick

$19.90 - $25.49 from Amazon »

An earpick, also known as an ear spoon or ear scoop, is a super sexy tool for ignoring your mama's advice and digging out all that gooey (or dry and flaky) earwax from your ear canals. And, with MecArmy's EDC Titanium...

LastTissue Reusable Tissue Pack

$39 - $89 from LastObject »

LastObject says LastTissue, a reusable tissue pack, and the company's latest sustainable crowdfunding project, is "like if a handkerchief and a tissue pack had a baby." Which is to say, LastTissue is a set of handkerchiefs...

Weenie Beanie

$8.63 from Amazon »

It's a weenie beanie! A peener beaner! A cap coated in cocks 'n' balls!...

Face ID Compatible Respirator Masks

Face ID compatible respirator masks are surgical masks printed with the bottom half of your actual face to facilitate biometric recognition when you're contagious, or in the midst of a viral outbreak. That part is clear...

KFC Crocs

I hate Crocs. And I'm not as much of a KFC fanboy as I am a dedicated patron of Popeyes and my mama's kitchen when she gets out the deep fryer. But I have to give KFC Crocs credit for one gem of a KFC Crocs pitch: "Put...

myONE Perfect Fit Condoms

$8 - $10 from myONE »

If the shoe fits...why shouldn't the condom? myONE Perfect Fit Condoms aren't custom-sized condoms, per se, but with 10 lengths, 9 widths, and 60 total sizes available, taking 15 seconds to line up your ruler like so...

Hublot Big Bang MP-11 Red Magic Watch

$86k from Hublot »

From theory to practice. The new Big Bang MP-11 Red Magic Watch from Hublot is about to blow up in a limited edition of 100 pieces for all you mega rich kids out there who prefer horology to cosmology. With its fiery...

After Sex Towel

$9 from Amazon »

This after sex towel considers itself "unique and clever" for taking a plain white terry cloth towel and embroidering the word "Sperm" across it. (Or, if you prefer a little more slang and vulgarity in your terminology...

Mohair Pants

$184.80 - $375.38 from Etsy »

Need some mo' hair down there? Feel all warm 'n' fuzzy on the inside and the out with SuperTanya's hand-knit mohair pants. The mohair knitwear is funky-chic on the eyes and either: a) soft as a pussywillow; or b) itchy...