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Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Higgs Boson Watch
$28.95 from Amazon »

Ugh, do I have to explain what the Higgs boson is? Like, in a way that implies I understand it? Well. IMHO, it's just another tiny, tiny cog in the machine that makes the world churn, but apparently physicists have a more...

Saturday, June 15, 2013
The Fusion Wallet
$63 - $94 from Kickstarter »

Twenty-five-year-old Thomas Johnson fabricates his cool, modern industrial Fusion Wallet from 12 separate CNC-machined aluminum and hardwood components. Gee. I'm almost a decade older than Johnson and I can hardly fabricate...

Sunday, June 16, 2013
White Walker Mask
$1,425 from Composite Effects »

White Walkers are creepy, dude. Creepy enough that I think I'd rather look like one than at one. But I'd most rather look like Khal Drogo because then all men would still be scared of me, and all ladies would quiver in my path, but the latter would also find me strangely dashing and infatuating and request to be the Moon of my life. (And in some cases, such as in the cases of Arianny Celeste and...

Monday, June 17, 2013
Star Wars R2-D2 Bra
$50 from Etsy »

Noooooo! As if there weren't enough things in this world to make me horny! Now R2-D2 is getting in on the tent pitching action? Etsy vendor Sceene Shoes, also of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bra fame, shares some Star Wars...

Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Baby Head Masks
$350 from Hyperflesh »

People who think babies are angelic and precious, I see your Gerber models, and raise you these three baby head masks. No, make that these three enormous, bulbous, horrifying, spawn-of-Chucky baby head masks. Landon Meier...

Thursday, June 13, 2013
SleepPhones
$39.99 from Amazon »

I thought maybe SleepPhones blocked out the sounds of snoring and garbage trucks and sirens and stupid F'ing songbirds with some sort of industrial acoustic insulation woven inside their fleece headband, but the self-described "pajamas for your ears" are actually a set of headphones. According to their makers, the softest, most pleasant headphones you'll ever wear, and the ultimate accessory for...

Sunday, August 28, 2011
Sexy TRON Outfit
Sold Out from Etsy »

Wise shoppers know that when buying a gift, you should choose something for the recipient that you would never choose to buy for yourself. In that vein, this smokin' hot, 12-gauge clear plastic TRON corset lined with glowing...

Monday, January 14, 2013
World's Thinnest Watch
$144 - $154 from Central Standard Timing »

The new name in ultra-thin? It's...no, not the chick who's playing Carrie in the prequel series to Sex and the City. Hint: It's an inanimate object. It's...no, not Nicole Kidman. Mom, stop trying to guess! You're messing up...

Tuesday, June 11, 2013
The Single Handed Barber

It's cuttin' it close, but order now and your Single Handed Barber, a DIY electric hair trimmer for short cuts, may arrive just in time for Father's Day. Cuttin' it close. Ha! Hahaha! Pun. Intended. Puns and I share the ambivalent...

Saturday, May 18, 2013
Optical Illusion Growing/Shrinking Ring
$8.95 from Amazon »

Dude, I am such a sucker for things that regale and mesmerize without requiring me to determine which geometric proofs or laws of physics or wonders of nature make them work. That's why I fare so much better with optical illusions...

If bat shit looked like 1000mW of ice-blue lightning, the S3 Spyder III Arctic Laser would be the physical manifestation of bat shit crazy. As it stands, the world's most powerful laser is just fuckin' nuts. Wicked Lasers' (absolutely, 100% legal) handheld bolt of pure spectral power counts amongst its marketable skills the ability to: Sear through ornery plastic, pop bitch-ass balloons, burn continuously, 24/7, without sustaining damage to its laser diode, function in 9 different operating modes, including Strobe, Constant Wave, SOS, Beacon, and Tactical Hibernation, emit 0.25 Lux of light at a distance of 6,856 meters, turn anyone it hits in the eye at a distance of 149 meters or less into Ray Charles, minus the musical talent and soul.

And if that weren't enough to get it laid every day for the duration of its 5,000+-hour serviceable life, Guinness is currently testing the S3 Arctic for the official title of World's Most Powerful Laser.

The S3 Arctic Series Laser resides in an aircraft grade aluminum chassis that's smaller than a standard flashlight.

Thursday, December 20, 2012
Tritium Keychains
$30 - $75 from CPF MarketPlace »

Two things. One maybe you already know, one probably you don't. 1) Tritium is a radioactive isotope of hydrogen, and its natural occurrence on earth is extremely rare. However, the dopeness that is humankind can produce tritium...

Saturday, May 11, 2013
Latex Bat Underwear
$80 from Etsy »

Warning: Abigail Greydanus' latex bat underwear are slightly NSFW. Probably both in terms of viewing enlarged photos of them, and physically wearing them at the office, as my experience with latex is that it is the textile...

Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Reversible Chewbacca Hoodie
Sold Out from Amazon »

It may not be the skin covering a Yoda head rejected from use in the original Star Wars, but at least Marc Ecko's reversible Chewbacca hoodie is a bodily covering that's a little easier to come by....

Thursday, February 09, 2012
Anatomical Leggings

Been scouring the racks for pants that display your ass as the true anatomical masterpiece it is? Black Milk Clothing's skin-tight anatomical leggings won't just enhance the curves of your posterior, they'll show off your...

Thursday, January 26, 2012
Fundies: Underwear Built for Two
$9.90 from Amazon »

According to every woman's favorite book, The Five Love Languages, physical touch is the predominant type of love males enjoy receiving, while quality time earns high marks with the ladies. Fundies, a chic pair of tandem tighty...

Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Grindrite Weed Watch
$39.99 from Vaporite »

I thought it would do something cutesy like stay frozen on 4:20, but nay. The Grindrite keeps real time too! Though usually after a few tokes of the good stuff my friend Victor procures I'm not really able to comprehend the...

Thursday, March 01, 2012
Flayed Flesh Garters
$70 from Etsy »

Take peek-a-boo garters to the next level: peek-a-boo blood vessels and layers of muscle tissue, courtesy of open-wound prostheses and stocking accoutrements from Etsy's Meaghan O'Keefe. A pair of unpainted latex prostheses...

Tuesday, May 14, 2013
MyPakage Keyhole Comfort Underwear
$25 - $30 from MyPakage »

While a keyhole connotes something very small into which one inserts something else very small...and then, uh, forcefully twists it 360 degrees clockwise or counterclockwise...I assure you that MyPakage underwear's KeyHole...

Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Middle Earth Map Leggings

Control Middle-earth--and likely all male Elves, Wizards, Orcs, Dragons, Dwarves, Ents, and Hobbits--for under $100. You don't even have to enter into battle or acquire Rings of Power. Leave it to Black Milk Clothing to recruit...

Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Arkham Harley Quinn Costume
Discontinued

Cartoons and reality have met, merged, and are now calling out to your carn(iv)al sensibilities. Sinister, hard-edged, Brooklyn-tongued Harley Quinn makes the likes of animated wet dreams Jessica Rabbit and Holli Wood seem...

Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Batman Backpack
$298 from UD Replicas »

I guess since the Dark Knight Rises motorcycle suit pretty much congeals itself to the body of whomever puts it on with nary a pocket to spare, UD Replicas figured they better come out with some sort of supplemental storage...

Sunday, May 19, 2013
Down There Repair
$10.95 from Sam's Natural »

Application of Sam's Natural Down There Repair fixes two major male discomforts and social embarrassments: chafed crotch and smelly crotch. It can also be used preventatively, thwarting these afflictions from striking down...

Wednesday, January 02, 2013
Sure F**k Cologne
$24 from Amazon »

Sure Fuck Cologne is a self-described "cool fresh manly scent that thrusts women into a crazy hot SEXUAL FRENZY!" Whoa. That's specific. They even put "sexual frenzy" in all caps like it is when I think it over and over in...

Monday, June 03, 2013
Freddy Krueger Animated Chest of Souls Sweater

1, 2, Freddy's comin' for you. 3, 4 better lock the door. 5, 6 get a crucifix.... My sister let me watch A Nightmare on Elm Street when I was 5 and I think it made me wet the bed in fear every night for like 3 months, and...

Thursday, June 13, 2013
Hardmill Rugged Man Aprons
$220 - $235 from Hardmill »

Hardmill's rugged aprons are made of dudely things like army duck waxed canvas, selvage denim, hand-dyed leather, and copper rivets, plus snakes and snails and puppy dog tails. This is so that when wearing them no one will...

Monday, May 20, 2013
Kinekt Moving Gear Ring
$165 from Kinekt »

Kinekt's Gear Ring reminds me of that ditty "The Wheels on the Bus" except, unlike the song, the ring has a fully integrated design of micro-precision, stainless steel gears instead of rubber tires that go round and round...

Sunday, April 07, 2013
Hairy Chest Sweater
$61.34 from Firebox.com »

What sucks is that you're either blessed with a dense thatch of chest hair or you're not. There's no cultivating it, no sprinkling of fertilizer that will encourage it to grow. The only legitimate option for those bereft of...

Monday, November 12, 2012
Rain Shield
By: red dot

A 2012 red dot award winner for design concept, Lin Min-Wei and Liu Li-Hsiang's Rain Shield could make carrying an umbrella 1) somewhat stylish and 2) more than an exercise in futility. Its shield-like construction uses a...

Sunday, May 26, 2013
Vachen Face-Changing Smartwatch
$179 - $279 from Kickstarter »

One watch, over a hundred different faces--interchangeable at the flick of a finger. Reminds me of this bipolar chick I used to date...I sure hope the Vachen Smartwatch doesn't come with an I'm-gonna-bludgeon-you-with-my-F'd...

Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Zelda Poe Soul in a Bottle Necklace
$20 from Etsy »

If I killed dead a being of pure hatred and encapsulated it in its lantern, I'd take the rupees from the Poe Collector for it rather than let it dangle from my neck so dangerously close to my heart. Poe Souls can restore health...

Friday, May 24, 2013
Glowing Sunglasses
$69 - $129 from Etsy »

In addition to offering a bunch of sick shades, sunglasses maker Sick Shades also offers some suggestions on how best to use his eye-catching glowing designs. These include:...

Thursday, May 16, 2013
Stash Waterproof Pocket Shorts
$69 - $79 from Kickstarter »

Sometimes people do stupid shit, such as get extremely drunk and ornery on the 4th of July and refuse to respond to reason and jump off the deck of a Carver 54 motor yacht...twice...without taking their brand new iPhones out...

Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Spider-Man Bed Cover
$222.26 from Amazon »

My Spidey Sense says that Robin would risk being labeled a traitor and facing legal action due to copyright infringement in order to take a siesta in this bed. Especially on lonely, pouty nights when Bruce brings home a lady...

Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Trakline Fits-Like-a-Glove Belt
$59 from Kickstarter »

When it comes to pants positioning, waistline aesthetics, and--most importantly--gut comfort, 1/4" can make a huge difference. Traklines banish the meager five, 1"-spaced holes of traditional belts from their full-grain leather...

Wednesday, June 05, 2013
Fusion Ergonomic Backpacks
$220 - $260 from Fluoa »

I wonder if the Fusion ergonomic backpack will still follow the natural curves of my posterior after I stuff it to the brim with a laptop, 2 full-size and 3 fun-size Snickers bars, 1 box of Barbara's Peanut Butter Puffins...

Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Rogue From X-Men Costume
Discontinued

It's The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants' most famous defector in living, non-Anna-Paquin form! This milliskin Rogue jumpsuit is made to order in your choice of kotobukiya with green details, classic with black details, and in...

Friday, May 24, 2013
Star Wars X Wing Pilot Jacket
$142.93 - $149.95 from Amazon »

Mark Ecko is doing everything he can to make Star Wars a leading name in high fashion. I just wish the items were priced in accordance with the bank accounts of Star Wars fans rather than those of Star Wars actors and directors....

Saturday, April 20, 2013
Cuts of Meat Dress
$62 from Etsy »

I love beef, and I love girls, but somehow the combination of the two doesn't work so well for me. The cuts of meat diagram on this dress carries implications of objectifying women and also cannibalism, and that is so disturbing...