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Butts on Things Stickers, Pins & Artwork

$4.50 - $20 from Etsy »

What's up, Taco Butt? Hey there, TARDASSSS! Yo, yo, I see you've got S'more junk in the trunk. No insult and no judgement with my comments, just a sheer appreciation for your Butts on Things sticker, pin, and artwork...

Charmeuse Kimono Robe

$110 from Amazon »

I love everything about these watercolor-effect charmeuse Kimono Robes as a wrapped up purdy gift for my wife, except the word charmeuse. Shar-moose, is that how you say it? That is ugly, and my mouth does not like the...

Santa Beard Face Mask

$11.99 from Amazon »

Ho, ho, ho...hack, hack, hack! Spread holiday cheer without spreading COVID with this Santa Beard Face Mask. This season actually has me warming to face masks because, well, the face masks are warming my face, and it's...

24K Gold Acupressure Ear Seeds

$34 from Amazon »

These luxe Acupressure Ear Seeds will help you strike gold twice as a gift to any woman on your holiday list. It will be like giving her fancy 24K gold jewelry and glorious relief from her pain, tension, and anxiety...

Dr. Sheffield's Chocolate Toothpaste

$11.99 from Amazon »

Chocolate, a food typically associated with causing cavities, is now used to prevent them? What witchcraft is your Chocolate Toothpaste, Dr. Sheffield?...

Ear Tsubo Pressure Point Cat Massagers

Everyone knows nothing stimulates pressure points and releases tension like playing with a kitty. Yours, someone else's, it really doesn't matter. But what might surprise you here is that in order to play with these kitties...

Kailo Nanotech Bio-Antenna Pain Patch

$119 from Amazon »

Kailo Patch: a giant nanotech pain in my ass, or a miracle solution for the giant pain in my decidedly not-nano ass? The nanocapacitor-packed patch Kailo makers say acts as a "bio-antenna" to turn off pain wherever you...

Stove Top Stuffing Dinner Jacket

$30 from Stove Top »

What is a Stove Top Stuffing Dinner Jacket made of? An interior lining of minced chicken, soaked and crisped bread crumbs, and savory caramelized onions. The outside, in a surprise appearance, and an affront to people...

Bexar Goods Leather-Wrapped NES Console

And you thought an NES console couldn't get any sexier. Bexar Goods has taken tech skins to luscious leather levels, wrapping a classic Nintendo Entertainment System in premium buck brown harness leather from Wickett...

Beetlejuice Handbook for the Recently Deceased Sneakers

$39.99 from Amazon »

According to the Beetlejuice Handbook for the Recently Deceased Sneakers, live people ignore the strange and unusual. But [creepy distant expression and eyeroll] I, myself am strange and unusual. Therefore, I shall draw...

Ugly Christmas Face Masks

$9.99 - $10.99 from Amazon »

Ugly Christmas Face Masks. Oh for the love of the Baby Jesus do I hope that next Christmas we can look at these Pop Funk pandemic PPE creations and say, "Ugh, those are so 2020."...

Reindeer on the Spit Ugly Christmas Sweater

$26.90 from Amazon »

Wonder what happened to create this ugly Christmas sweater. Is Santa spit roasting a reindeer because his sleigh crashed a week ago and no one has responded to his SOS calls, or because he's just hungry and Mrs. Claus...

Personalized Glowing Life Bar Pin

$30 from Etsy »

Let everyone know how you're faring this year with a Personalized Glowing Life Bar Pin. The horizontal health meters charge up in sunlight, and then glow neon green in the dark at your choice of Full Life, Mostly Alive...

Dicklicious Penis Lipstick

$7.99 from Amazon »

I've seen lipstick on a penis, but Dicklicious is my first encounter with penis on a lipstick. I mean, unless we're talking dog penis, which when exhibited in a certain state goes by the colloquial name, "red lipstick,"...

Vans UA Classic Slip-On Twist Sneakers

$80 from LN-CC »

These sneaks are Vans...with a twist. Sorry, it's been a long week. Vans UA Classic Slip-On Twist Sneakers dangled some low-hanging literary fruit in front of me, and I just grabbed it. Ate it right up. Toss the leftover...

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Mankini

$14.99 from Amazon »

Rudolph Mankini, reporting for sleigh-driving, eye-popping, nut-hugging duty! Christmas suit meets birthday suit in this jolly, Borat-approved (and sexy-time-ready!) men's thong. Ownership of the Rudolph Mankini means...

King Kong Hand Halloween Costume

$17.22 from Heaven Costumes »

It's too late to order the King Kong Hand Halloween costume for 2020 Halloween - especially since girl-gripping gorilla getup has to ship all the way from Australia. But for those who need a last-minute costume for a...

Elo - At-Home Hot Stone Spa Experience

$279 - $349 from Elo »

Elo + My Favorite Peelow = Me Lo...aded Up with an At-Home Hot Stone Spa Experience. Me lo...ving the feel of thermotherapy that doesn't cost $150 and hour. Me lo..athing the sound of my alarm buzzing me away from my...

KATANA Personal Safety Smartphone Wallet

$49.99 from Amazon »

See that notch on the KATANA personal safety smartphone wallet? And the tab the lady is pulling on to draw something out of the back of the cardholder? Guess what it is. Nope. Not a katana. Not a sword at all. It's a...

Reebok Ghostbusters Ghost Smashers Shoes

$150 from Reebok »

My wife, She-Ra: Princess of Power, is not a fan of Reebok's Ghostbusters Ghost Smashers Shoes. They contain a word in their titular description that P's her right O: "Men's." On the store page for the Ghostbusters collab...

Hormel Bacon-Scented Face Mask

#BreathableBacon and the Hormel bacon-scented face mask it refers to are, surprisingly, one of the least surprising hashtags and products of 2020. Honestly, the sexy (and elusive! More on that later.) Hormel Black Label...

Inflatable Jetpack Costume

$59.99 from Amazon »

The best part of the Jetpack Pick Me Up, an inflatable jetpack costume from Morph, is that it says "Acme Jetpack" on the side. Shout out to Looney Tunes!...

Meal Socks Box

$43.49 from Amazon »

Why do my burger & fries taste like cardboard? Actually, it's more like...poly-cotton yarn. Better wash it away with my beer - ugh! My beer tastes like sweaty feet! What is this, Heineken?...

9' Tall Inflatable Squid Halloween Costume

$54.95 from Amazon »

Looks...squid-shy. A 9' tall inflatable squid Halloween costume is going to make a lot of things about life difficult while you're wearing it. Dancing. Sitting down. Walking through doorways. Dude. Peeing or pooing. Better...