Fitness

Nayoya Back Hook Massager

$59.97 from Amazon »

Foam rollers might hammer out the pains in my ass, but when it comes to kneading out the knots in my back, nothing works better than the abnormally strong hands of my girlfriend. It's one of the many reasons I call her...

Vaiden Astronaut Workout Shirts

$70 - $90 from Vaiden »

It's not that Vaiden makes workout shirts for astronauts or shirts for some newfangled astronaut workout (i.e., go to space, instantly lose 80% of your body weight!) Instead they've incorporated astronaut heat management...

GoRoll Foam Roller with Storage

$79 - $89 from GoRoll »

GoRoll combines the firm shell and EVA foam coating of massage rollers with the hollow core of my ex-girlfriend Karen to produce this dual purpose tension reliever and lockable storage cylinder. A detachable carry strap...

The Rodeo Core Fitness Trainer

$239.95 from Amazon »

The Rodeo Core fitness trainer invites you to "Enjoy a delightful ride while whipping core muscles into shape!" Coincidentally, that was also the invitation I gave the ladies I used to meet on Tinder. No wonder they were...

Lebert Equalizer

$99 - $116.95 from Amazon »

Use the Lebert Equalizer to do pushups, pullups, dips, lunges, planks. Use it on the incline, use it on the decline, use it on the road. Grab the simple set of arced bars and rip out your whole body solo, or partner up...

Long Piropiro Lung Exercise Tool

Hey it's a kazoo or a, uh, unraveling blowy thing the kiddos and incredibly irritating adults blow into to unravel at birthdays and New Year's. But this blow thing has taken on a new disguise: from party supply to exercise...

TRX Suspension Training Home Kit

$199.95 from Amazon »

The hardness of the muscles you'll build from using the Navy SEAL-developed TRX suspension training system is directly proportional to the hardness of actually using the TRX suspension training system. Though there are...

YogaToes Sport Gel Toe Stretchers

$36.95 from Amazon »

If you can get past the fact that they look like the things ladies wedge between their toes to paint them, YogaToes sport gel toe stretchers could make your life from the ankles down a lot more comfortable. YogaToes spread...

HyperIce Vyper Vibrating Foam Roller

$199 from Amazon »

Hey look, it's a new BDSM toy for pain seekers muscle recovery tool for athletes. You've might have seen foam rollers here before, and you might have seen HyperIce brainchildren here before, but this hybrid of hurts so...

Vibration Plate Jiggle Fitness Machine

$500 from Amazon »

If you've ever watched TV at 3 in the morning you've probably seen the Power Plus Vibration Plate, or something like it, before. I've seen the machine making people's jiggly parts jiggle many times myself. But what I...

Couples' Infrared Sauna

$999 from Amazon »

I guess it's not technically a sauna for couples, but it is a sauna for 2 people and there's no way in hell I'm sharing such a small, sweaty (but slightly less sweaty than a regular sauna since infrared saunas are absorbed...

DynaMax Gyroscopic Core Trainer

$429.98 from Amazon »

Gyroscopes can help you fly drones and track your activity. They can also kick your ass to next Thursday and back. In time for a repeat performance tomorrow. The DynaMax Gyroscopic Core Trainer employs this spherical...

DolfinPack Wearable Water Storage

$36.97 from Amazon »

It's a Dolfin rather than a platypus because this water storage backpack for athletes and outdoor adventurers is the first hydration pack made to go underwater. So in addition to supporting the H2O levels of runners...

Private Gym Penis Trainer (NSFW)

$59.99 - $99.99 from Amazon »

It's the one body part P90X neglects. But before you reach for a Viagra to long-and-strongify your johnson, the Private Gym would like its shot at ripping your penis to shr-...uh.... Maybe I'll go with a different idiomatic...

Boston Marathon Course-Simulating Treadmill

$3,999 from ProForm »

Training for the Boston Marathon? Or any marathon? Want to replicate an especially rigorous and badass hike you took on your vacation through the Dolmites? The iFit-enabled, Google Maps-charged Boston Marathon 4.0 treadmill...

Keon V1 Runner's Key Ring

$15 from Shapeways »

It won't give you superpowers, but it will hold your house key. So says David Tsai of his clever 3D-printed brainchild, the Keon V1. It may look like a warped Omega character, but if you're a runner this armed ring could...

BackJoy Posture & Back Comfort Seat

$29.98 - $31.35 from Amazon »

A butt cup? Ten years ago I would have laughed my ass off if someone offered me one. But now that I'm old and decrepit with postural kyphosis and chronic low back pain, that laughing ass can't wait to plop itself down...

Varigrip Adjustable Hand Exerciser

$9.99 from Amazon »

Planet Waves says its Varigrip is the "perfect tool for pre-show warm-ups and maintaining conditioning when away from your instrument." So, yeah, it's totally a hand job trainer. Both for masturbatory efforts and those...

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FORTIS Exoskeleton

Get a FORTIS exoskeleton and you'll instantly have: 1) superhero strength; and 2) a superhero costume. Two birds, one stone. Like Iron Man. Lockheed Martin is developing this unpowered, lightweight external structure...

Journey Gym in a Briefcase

$157.09 from Amazon »

Getting a Journey Gym isn't quite as good as getting a briefcase full of unmarked hundred dollar bills, but it's better than getting a briefcase full of performance data you have to enter by hand into an Excel spreadsheet....

Atlas Next Level Fitness Monitor

$249 from Atlas »

For Atlas, "next level" in smart wearables means more than tracking heart rates, counting calories, and noting that you have just walked 22 steps when you sit in front of the TV with a plate of fried chicken and shake...

The Grid Foam Roller

$22.95 - $50.61 from Amazon »

Who wants to apply some myofascial compression techniques to their tight, overwrought muscles? Second only to the hands of a 6' Swedish co-ed who's been milking cows since birth, the TriggerPoint GRID foam roller penetrates...

WODies CrossFit Gloves

$39.95 from Amazon »

WODies are gloves intended to support wrists and reduce hand tearing during a grueling CrossFit workout of the day, or WOD. WOD itself is pronounced "Waud". As in, "You'd have to give me a fat WOD of cash to do CrossFit."...

WaterRower Natural Rowing Machine

$1,160 from Amazon »

The rowing machine. The erg. It's a fate worse than death. You should try it. WaterRower's Natural Rowing Machine will even look classy and simulate a true strokin'-on-the-lake feel as it slow cooks your muscles from...

Muse - Brain-Sensing Headband

$299 from Muse »

Headbands. They're not just for holding your hair back or making you look like Axl Rose anymore. In fact, Muse's headband can sense your brain. Or at least take its EEG readings, and use that information to help you learn...

FlipBelt Fitness Storage Belt

$28.99 - $29.50 from Amazon »

One nice thing about the FlipBelt is that it doesn't appear to make you look like you're wearing a fanny pack or running to burn off that spare tire encircling your gut region. Slim, comfortable, and sturdy, the storage...

140-Pound Adjustable Weighted Vest

$349.99 from Amazon »

Of course, of course McConaughey runs in a weighted training vest. His pecs aren't schlepping around any 140 pounds of solid iron like this ZFL pullover though....

FLYUP Fitness Multi-Tool

$40 from Flyup Fitness »

The FLYUP is a multi-functional piece of fitness equipment consisting of 2 rectangular chunks of plastic with padded tops, removable handles, and low-friction bottom surfaces that glide along a floor or short-weave carpet....

Stamina Adjustable Height PlyoBox

$199 from Amazon »

Whether you want to increase your explosive power or just make a couple of giant blue goose eggs appear on your shins, box jumps are for you. And Stamina's PlyoBox, a steel X-shaped bench with 4 adjustable heights, can...

Jolt Concussion Detection Sensor

$80 from Jolt »

"Jolt is a wearable sensor that allows parents and coaches to track and evaluate their children's head impacts in real-time." I don't know why that line is so funny to me. Maybe because I've seen so much wearable tech...

SteelBell Steel Shot-Filled Neoprene Weights

$39.99 - $122.85 from Amazon »

While SteelBell creator Hyperwear also makes neoprene SandBells, these steel shot-filled versions of the free weights are about half the size of and, some say, twice as dynamic as their counterparts. Available as individual...

The Run Lock

$44.99 from The Run Lock »

When I run...ha! This entry is already full of lies. The last time I ran I think I was 8 and the ice cream truck was about to get away before I ordered my pink sherbet foot with the gumball toenail! So let me start again....

Cold Rush Injury Therapy Machine

$126.22 from Amazon »

Fill a bag with ice, freeze gel packs, or let a machine do all the therapeutic work when your knee is swollen or you're rehabbing a slipped disc? I vote machine. Ossur's Cold Rush device is essentially a small cooler...

Float Water Relaxation Cap & Support

$135 from Float »

I used to have a membership to one of those isolation tank therapy places (coincidentally also called Float). You'd climb in these completely enclosed, completely pitch black sci-fi looking pods filled with about a foot...

Gymboss Interval Timer

$19.95 from Amazon »

The Gymboss is the best timer I ever had. Even when I hate it and swear it is cheating me as it beeps my 10-second rest is up, and also am pretty sure that it is malfunctioning when it's not beeping that 60 seconds of...

Pulmonica Breathe-Better Harmonica

$99.95 from Amazon »

So I finally found my cure for smoker's cough. According to the blonde lady in the Pulmonica video, this pulmonary harmonica is the first of its kind, designed to help improve breathing in people of all ages and musical...

Short Sleeve Weighted Training Shirt

$249.99 from Amazon »

Here's a way to make yourself way less comfortable, but way more badass while working out. The TITIN Force is a complete weighted compression system all tucked into a short sleeve shirt. It utilizes a 3-part hyper gravity...

KettleClamp Adjustable Kettlebell

Sold Out from Amazon »

Turn your dumbbell into an even worse implement of corporal torture: a kettlebell! The adjustable KettleClamp secures to any size/weight of dumbbell, expanding its functionality to include the Russians' favorite way to...

SmartMio Wearable Muscle Stimulator

$89 - $199 from SmartMio »

Getting ripped while sitting on my ass. It's the stuff dreams are made of. And, fingers crossed into a length of 550 paracord, the stuff SmartMio will be made of. SmartMio is a wearable muscle stimulator and app-based...

GoBe Automatic Calorie Intake Tracker

$125 from Healbe »

Healbe calls its GoBe wristband a 100% automatic body manager. Like the scads of other fitness trackers available and forthcoming today, this means it detects and provides feedback on biometrics such as heart rate, blood...

Kangoo Jumps Anti-Gravity Fitness Boots

$179 - $299 from Amazon »

Originally developed by a doctor for rehab patients with knee, hip, and back injuries, Kangoo Jump anti-gravity boots provide former runners with an option for continuing their cardiovascular torture of choice nearly...

Aim - Body Composition & Muscle Analyzer

$149 - $199.99 from Skulpt »
What is the Skulpt Aim?

The Skulpt Aim analyzes body composition. Unlike a typical stand-up body fat scale, or even the more accurate method of submerging yourself in a tub of water for body fat testing, Aim measures...

GORUCK Gym Bags

$75 - $95 from GORUCK »

GORUCK makes this pair of military-grade gym bags from 1000 D ballistic or double-layered CORDURA. As far as I can tell, that means they're burly and water resistant, but will probably grow to smell like a combination...

Handmaster Hand Exerciser

$15.95 from Amazon »

It's not the first thing that comes to mind when I think of a Handmaster, but I dig what this banded ball brand of Handmaster has to offer too. Strengthening both the gripping and the expanding muscles of the fingers...

Beastie Bar Deep Tissue Massager

$59.95 from Amazon »

They term the type of massage RumbleRoller's Beastie Bar delivers "aggressive." I think you could also call it "penetrating," "effectively deep," and "more painful than a head-butt in the hamstring from a unicorn." Look...

Fat Gripz Arm Builders

$34.04 from Amazon »

Obviously the best thing to do if you want to be as strong and jacked as humanly possible is take a lot of steroids. But since steroids are expensive and mostly illegal and might make you talk like Mickey Mouse, an alternative...

Breathslim - Breathing Weight Loss Device

$29.94 from Amazon »

I feel like Bas Rutten made a similar, but much sexier-looking version (uh, relatively speaking) of this Breathslim weight loss contraption. His O2 trainer gets a lot of impassioned feedback here, both from advocates...

Goji Play - Exercise Gaming Companion

$99.99 from Amazon »

Exergaming isn't new to the scene. From as far back as the NES Power Pad for track events to modern day fitness programs on the Wii and Kinect for jumping around with digital Shaun Ts, someone is always trying to slap...

Fitbit Aria Wi-Fi Smart Scale

$116.56 from Amazon »

Happy New Year! Here's something to make you feel fat, ugly, and depressed motivate and inspire you to reach your 2014 fitness goals! The Fitbit Aria Wi-Fi Smart Scale measures weight, body fat percentage, and body mass...

Elevation Training Mask 2.0

$79.99 from Amazon »

Trading in the original Elevation high altitude oxygen training mask for the lighter, more compact, and generally sexier 2.0 version is kind of the same as Justin Timberlake trading in Cameron Diaz for Jessica Biel:...

Elliptigo - Outdoor Elliptical Trainer

$1,799 - $3,499 from Elliptigo »

If you thought the future was incubating in the frames of Google Glass and laces of Marty McFly Nikes, then behold the offspring of the gym's dorkiest piece of cardio equipment and urbanity's most aggressive sharer of...

Zombie Bells

$42.95 - $169.95 from Onnit »

First it was the apes that got the swing and pood treatment. It was only natural, really. Now, fitness...dare I say maverick?...Onnit has designed another limited edition set of freakish kettlebells, this time giving...

Hammerhead - Bike Navigation System

$85 from Hammerhead »

Shark Week loyalists already know that the hammerhead group boasts enhanced sensory receptors and maneuvering skills. Plus, its butt ugly face, which looks to have been on the receiving end of a Bugs Bunny self-defense...

Stink Yourself Slim Spray

$39.99 from Amazon »

Stink Yourself Slim is not a joke. It's not a gag gift or an Instructables project some dude made at home to give to the lardass who hogs all of the chocolate long johns when someone brings donuts to work. Yeah, I know....

Magnetic Dumbbells

Are you stronger than electromagnetism? O2 Magnetic Dumbbells, a pair of rings with embedded electromagnets, work in tandem to generate resistance as their ends repel, and challenge users to build muscle by fighting their...

Speed Chute - Resistance Training Parachute

$29.99 from Amazon »

What would be cool is if I could use SKLZ's Speed Chute to run from my mama's front entry vestibule, down the hall, through the living room, out the sliding doors, and off the back deck, and then float peacefully and...

Boost Natural Energy - Oxygen in a Can

$10.25 from Amazon »

So they're selling air. And not even the far-out air that's been solidified into Aerogel, or the air sucked up by Mega Maid and officially licensed by Spaceball One, just plain old gaseous oxygen. In a can. Oh it's a...

Primal Bells

$42.95 - $149.95 from Onnit »

On the list of things that would really suck: 1) Finding your head on the receiving end of a 72-pound kettlebell with an incensed gorilla face carved into it; 2) Finding your head on the receiving end of a 500-pound incensed...

CrossBell Fitness System

$179.95 from CrossBell »

Often when I struggle to empty a cooler of mostly-melted ice, or lift a fat jug to my lips for a refreshing drink, or dump the vat of Gatorade on my friend Cornelius' head after he scores point 10 in Settlers of Catan...

Digital Cordless Jump Rope

$14.25 from Amazon »

Unlike a BLT without the bacon or a stripper without the boobies, a jump rope without the rope might actually be an improvement upon the original. First of all, a lot of people are good at jumping up and down (yes, I'm...

Bas Rutten O2 Trainer

$49.95 from Amazon »

Who wants to wheeze like a fat asthmatic chasing down the ice cream man? I do! I do! Temporarily anyway. MMA master and onetime UFC Heavyweight Champion Bas Rutten developed his O2 Trainer to build strength in a part...

SHAY Fitness Stool

Although I always say that one of my favorite things to do is sit on my ass, photographic evidence here suggests that Nina Havermans' SHAY work-out stool is going to necessitate my refinement and qualification of that...

Bike Pump Seat Post

$39.99 from Amazon »

It's like sitting on air. Literally...yet...somehow minus the perceived comfort of actually sitting on air. Because although BioLogic's PostPump 2.0 has converted a high-capacity bicycle tire pump into a bicycle seat...

Loopwheels - Integral Suspension Bike Wheels

$590 - $2,300 from loopwheels »

People out there lucky in the sense that they know how to ride a bike but unlucky in the sense that doing so jars their spines and brains and generates great discomfort in the crotchal region, say hello to Loopwheels....

LIT Extreme Sports Stat Tracker

$99 - $139 from NZN Labs »

Like other fitness monitors on the market, LIT can track common athletic pursuits, such as walking, running, and swimming. But it changes the game of stat hoarding and analysis with its integration of detection tools...

The 100 MPH Bicycle

By: Donhou »

And by 100 MPH Bicycle, Donhou Cycles really means Bicycle That Has Peaked at 60 MPH on the Open Road but Could Theoretically Make It to 100. I'm not sure how that theory was developed. I think it's how fast frame builder...