If you're reading about the best 80s toys you can still buy, you're probably indulging in nostalgia, and thinking things were way better in the 80s than they are in the 2010s. I don't disagree, but I will say one thing about today: if it weren't for the global and online marketplaces, plus the technology...

The Chaos Machine

$39.95 from Amazon »

Chaos is an area of mathematics that studies complex systems and the mind-blowing effects seemingly small, inconsequential changes can have on them. Dr. Ian Malcolm used one example of the Chaos in action, the Butterfly...

I learned my most important lesson about frenemies from The Golden Girls. It's that sometimes passive aggressive words and social interactions aren't enough. It's that sometimes I need my frenemies to throw a party. Invite everyone they know. So they can see the biggest revenge gift will be from...

TV-B-Gone Kit

$19.97 from Amazon »

Let's be clear: it would be a supreme a-hole move for someone to use a homemade TV-B-Gone to shut off the women's beach volleyball game I am watching at a bar. Obnoxious and unacceptable. However...were I to use my DIY...

Hydrogen Reactor

Sold Out from Amazon »

While it sounds like something Batman would be called upon to save the world from, Brunton's Hydrogen Reactor is actually an innocuous, albeit robust, deliverer of power to portable devices. It's a piece of scientific...

Oral Me Thong Underwear

$12.90 from Amazon »

This isn't the first time a thong has been compared to dental floss. But with the Oral Me thong underwear, ladies might be more inclined to accept, maybe even champion, the connection. Because here it's not about some...

Refrigerator Door Lock

$16.95 from Amazon »

I like how the people who sell this refrigerator lock advertise it as a good way to secure sensitive medications or other restricted items, especially in public places like schools and hospitals, but every person who's...

The Backpod

$67.99 from Amazon »

Have you gotten the new iHunch yet? The Backpod is a tool developed in New Zealand (so it's Kiwi green, naturally) to relieve the back and neck pain, headaches, and poor posture that can result from the hours we spend...

Flow Hives Langstroth-Style Cedar Beehive

$699 from Amazon »

B**ch is always gonna have your honey with a Flow Hive, because this Langstroth-style cedar beehive can be summed in 3 words: Honey. On. Tap...

Hands-Free Wearable Mini Fans

$15.99 from Amazon »

Technically these hands-free wearable mini fans are suitable for anyone who wants to stay cool when it gets hot. But I think we can all agree there's one person in particular the air-circulating neck wraps are made for:...

Icky Stick Smooth Smoking Hand Pipe

$49.99 from Amazon »

I don't like the Icky Stick just because I get a kick out of its branding schtick. I mean, that's the biggest reason, but so too am I interested in this hand pipe's claim that it has been "specially designed to provide...

Tirecockz Prank Tire Valve Stem Caps

$12 - $15 from Nordic Offroad »

Ain't no practical joke more practical than Tirecockz. The ridickulous penis tire valve stem caps will humiliate your friend Cornelius (more than driving a Dodge Neon beater already does) but still protect his valve stems...

Refrigerator Coffee Table

$1,299 from Amazon »

This refrigerator coffee table is probably a Sobro cooler coffee table knockoff, and it's not a whole lot cheaper, but if you prefer the color and design to what's available elsewhere, the features and functions will...

World Champion D*ck Trophy

$14.98 from Amazon »

If you've already awarded someone the Golden Douchebag Trophy, here's a World Champion Dick Trophy to hand out to the second (or newest) biggest jerk you know...

Bad Idea Pyro Cage Incinerator

$309 from Amazon »

Now here's a Bad Idea: a 48" American steel Pyro Cage incinerator to use in place of your 55-gallon drum for burning yard debris, cardboard, and bad juju. The Pyro Cage has a panel construction with a tab-and-slot design...

Boob Cube

$9.99 from Amazon »

The Boob Cube is for idiots. And for geniuses. And for idiots who want to convince people they're really geniuses. And for geniuses you want to make feel like idiots. So, yeah, pretty much an ideal gift for any person...

Allwood Kit Cabins

$3,400 - $34,900 from Amazon »

Allwood Kit Cabins may be no more than glorified playhouses to some, but given that I haven't found a place to put (or the money to buy) my Honomobo Container Home yet...it's time to glorify me a playhouse, baby!...

The Baby Shusher

$34.99 from Amazon »

Either the Baby Shusher shhhhhhh-ing machine is a Nobel Prize-caliber invention, or the baby in that video learned in the womb how to be an Oscar-caliber actor. Arrrgh, that sound, that wailing. I can't think of a noise...

Crosman Pioneer Airbow

$663.93 from Amazon »

If you're a big game hunter living in Arizona*, you are Crosman Golden. It's the only state in the US where there's a season for pursuing just about every species of big game on the Crosman docket with the company's forthcoming...

Stranger Things 6-1/2' Tall Demogorgon Yard Sprinkler

$69.99 from Amazon »

The Stranger Things Demogorgon may have only had abduction and murder in store for the citizens of Hawkins, Indiana in 1983, but this is 2019. Age of sensitivity and cultural understanding. Now all the Demogorgon wants...

Mini CCTV Screw Camera

Sold Out from Amazon »

It's a screw cam! No, not that kind...well. What you use it for is up to you, I guess. But I'm calling it a screw cam because this miniature CCTV camera looks like the piece of hardware--a simple screw just minding its...

Radio-controlled tanks that fire actual BBs? Glass sliding doors beware. These RC tanks, which I don't even know how they're allowed really in this day and age but I'm glad they are, are modeled after some of the most iconic tanks utilized in our most iconic wars...

Over-the-Sink Dish Drying Rack

$166.66 from Amazon »

This over-the-sink dish drying rack is a 2-tier space saver with a side of storage and organization. A real multi-tasker that does it all with poise and elegance. Sound like any maternal figure you might know? One who...

What Is This Thing?

$8.95 from Amazon »

Welcome to What Is This Thing?, a photographic feature of a puzzling product I invite you to spend a minute or two pondering when your brain needs a break from pondering more critical life issues, like whether or not...

Aquor House Hydrant

Sold Out from Amazon »

Scorching summer day. Lounging on the patio. Gazing at the lawn. What's missing? Hose, hose, hose. And a water outlet pimped out with an Aquor House Hydrant. Because the grass meeting your gaze is brown, and the marigolds...

If you want to know about the best projectile launchers, you're probably getting ready to orchestrate a cubicle warfare offensive at work. Or maybe you just need some new catapult- and slingshot-shaped desktop toys. Or a no-fail gift for a man. You'll find all of those projectile launchers here...

Buddha Beads Self Defense Necklace

$25.99 from Amazon »

Huh. Not sure how Buddha would feel about people co-opting his peaceful name and beads of spiritual exploration and meditation to make a necklace for whacking an attacker upside the head. But I can kind of see where Phoenix...

Chicken Harness

$15.99 from Amazon »

Excellent. This puts an end to the age-old question, Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn't. Because its responsible owner harnessed that little clucker up to keep it in check...

The Right Cup - Brain-Tricking Flavored Cup

$27.95 from Amazon »

Brain-tricking and NKOTB-approved, The Right Cup is a scented and slightly flavored water cup designed to engage your senses in a way that will make you think you're drinking sweet and fruity water when all that's inside...

Tungsten Sphere

$249 from Amazon »

I'd call the Tungsten Sphere a desktop toy, but given its high density--at just about 2" in diameter the sphere weighs over 3 pounds--I'm not sure how much fiddling or stress-relieving palm rolls you'll be able to do...

Big Boobie Beach Ball

$11.33 from Amazon »

The entirety of the Big Boobie Beach Ball's product description reads as follows: "Hit the sand and bat around the Big Boobie Beach Ball. Looks like the real thing and holds up to hard play."...

Segway Ninebot Electric GoKart Kit

$799 from Amazon »

I gotta give Segway and their Ninebot Electric GoKart Kit some credit. Not only does this company persist in releasing new products despite being the butt of so many jokes - from Segway tours to mall cops to George W...

Programmable Mouse Jiggler

$17.83 from Amazon »

It's a professional jiggler! No, not Santa Claus. No. Not a stripper. This is a Mouse Jiggler. And it's got nothing to do with bellies and boobies. Though, like the belly and boobie jigglers, the Mouse Jiggler is here...

Golden Boy Pool Float

$59 from Amazon »

Who wants a ride on the Golden Boy? Don't worry, when you put your lips to this pool float's inflation nozzle you'll see it swells to a formidable 79 inches long (holy crap, Ron Jeremy!) with an extra thick construction...

Willy Care Kit

$18.99 from Amazon »

If your name isn't William, and you don't need a gift for a dude named William, I can't imagine why you'd buy a Willy Care grooming kit. I mean, I know it's a common name and all, but are there really enough Willies out...

Steel Self Defense Bracelet

Discontinued

Self defense or self-inflicted injury? Swingin' 'round this full steel bracelet like a chain whip without really knowing how to swing 'round a chain whip, it could really go either way...

Why I Must Have Sex with You Checklist

$8.99 from Amazon »

Hmmm. Not sure if a Why I Must Have Sex with You Checklist clears the meter o' political correctness these days, especially since it's presented as a notepad that would sit perfectly on one's desk at the office. The requests...

Pocket Shot PRO Arrow Slingshot

$12 from Amazon »

Pocket Shot ups their slingshot game with the Pocket Shot Pro Arrow Pouch. Where the original slingshot reinvented shooting with a stretchy pouch that fires steel slugs, marbles, .4 cal paintballs, and Airsoft ammo, this...

The Magic Weighted Blanket

$189 from Amazon »

The Magic Weighted Blanket uses a therapeutic approach similar to the Gravity Blanket we saw here last month, with a couple of key differences: 1) The Magic Weighted Blanket is made of baby-bunny-soft chenille and sold...

Stocking a home bar might be the only household chore on earth I would describe as "joyous." From glassware for beer, wine, and whiskey, to the bottle opening, cork-pulling, cocktail-shaking tools of the bartending trade, I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday morning than amping up my...

Kim Jong Un Nuclear Attack Preparedness Package

Sometimes, actions speak louder than worries. Putting together a Kim Jong Un nuclear attack preparedness package doesn't just give us something to do besides sit around and worry about North Korea launching missiles and...

Cannabidiol, or CBD Oil is a legal alternative extracted from cannabis that is being used to treat everything from anxiety to arthritis pain. Unlike THC, CBD Oil doesn't give the user any noticeable head high but can ease the feelings of anxiety and pain many people suffer. It's being billed as a...

Android MK802 Mini PC

Sold Out from Amazon »

AKA The Other $35 Do-It-All Computer. Running Android 4.0, the MK802 Allwinner A10 Mini PC is about the size of a flash drive and, also like your favorite USB storage device, enjoys being plugged into things. HDMI inputs...

Pocket Artillery

$34 from Amazon »

This, unbelievably, is exactly what the name suggests, a mini desktop cannon that fires standard BBs. And, it's pretty damn cool. You really need to watch the video to see it in action. I'm certain this will be used for...

Men's One-Piece Thanos Swimsuit

$35.99 from Amazon »

Thanos may finally get his wish of wiping out half the world's population if enough dudes don a men's one-piece Thanos swimsuit this summer. And I thought the ladies' version was disturbing. But I guess as the great Titan...

1980s Slang Chart Poster

$21.95 from Amazon »

While this 1980s Slang Chart poster gives me a happy jolt of nostalgia on a gray and sluggish morning, it also makes me feel elderly and moderately embarrassed. Not only do I know every single word the chart points out...

Enigmaze Internet Password Bracelet

Discontinued

I always wear my heart on my sleeve, my egg on my face, and my internet passwords on my wrist. And surprisingly, the Enigmaze Internet Password Bracelet may be the best of those 3 decisions...

Windmill Watermelon Slicer

$5.89 from Amazon »

Oh, Windmill Watermelon Slicer, not since the Chef'n Cob Corn Stripper has a kitchen tool made me so excited for summer's bounty. Ah, I remember the summer of 2016. I must have eaten a hundred bushels of corn. With the...