When I say I would buy these 20 items I bought on Amazon 100 times again, I don't mean I would order 100 more of them right now. Even as a hoarder with Amazon Prime shipping, I don't need 101 of any of the products in this list...

Volkswagen Bus Cooler

Sold Out from Amazon »

While I wouldn't consider an actual classic Volkswagen bus the ultimate Dad car - leave that to the Subaru Outback - a classic Volkswagen bus cooler? On wheels so Dad can pull his beers just like his kid in a wagon? Oh...

I tried to curate my collection of 11 of the most expensive things for sale on Amazon not just according to their cost, but also their substance, how well they present, whether or not I looked at their price, read their description, and still wondered, What is this thing? So I guess a better way...

10 Images I Can't Believe Are Allowed on Amazon (NSFW)

And I mean very NSFW. I mean, it's not like I came across* these 10 images I can't believe are allowed on Amazon because I was searching for porn, boobies, or sex toys on Amazon. I was just minding my own business, perusing...

E35: What Is This Thing?

$35.80 from Amazon »

Welcome to Edition 35 of What Is This Thing?, your weekly every-other-daily-for-now, since we're all coronavirus quarantined, visual riddle consisting of one simple photo and one simple question: what is this thing? Here...

DIY Vasectomy Kit

$10.99 from Amazon »

Sweet! This DIY Vasectomy Kit should save me hundreds of dollars. Plus, the projected recovery time is a couple days longer - more if my wife screws up - so I'll be able to take off the whole first week of the NCAA tournament...

Some gifts are best left to Santa. But sexy gifts, especially sexy gifts for that someone special, those gifts are Baby Jesus territory all the way...

Aquor House Hydrant

$89.95 from Amazon »

Scorching summer day. Lounging on the patio. Gazing at the lawn. What's missing? Hose, hose, hose. And a water outlet pimped out with an Aquor House Hydrant. Because the grass meeting your gaze is brown, and the marigolds...

The Chaos Machine

$39.95 from Amazon »

Chaos is an area of mathematics that studies complex systems and the mind-blowing effects seemingly small, inconsequential changes can have on them. Dr. Ian Malcolm used one example of the Chaos in action, the Butterfly...

Over-the-Sink Dish Drying Rack

$147 from Amazon »

This over-the-sink dish drying rack is a 2-tier space saver with a side of storage and organization. A real multi-tasker that does it all with poise and elegance. Sound like any maternal figure you might know? One who...

Coffee Pot Mug

$19.97 from Amazon »

Hey, this mini coffee pot mug looks like what I want to do with the full-size coffee pot every morning! Called the Cupa Joe, Barbuzzo's shrunken version of the classic brewer's vessel is a spot-on replica, with the exception...

Oral Me Thong Underwear

$12.99 from Amazon »

This isn't the first time a thong has been compared to dental floss. But with the Oral Me thong underwear, ladies might be more inclined to accept, maybe even champion, the connection. Because here it's not about some...

Crosman Pioneer Airbow

$899.99 from Amazon »

If you're a big game hunter living in Arizona*, you are Crosman Golden. It's the only state in the US where there's a season for pursuing just about every species of big game on the Crosman docket with the company's forthcoming...

The Baby Shusher

$34.99 from Amazon »

Either the Baby Shusher shhhhhhh-ing machine is a Nobel Prize-caliber invention, or the baby in that video learned in the womb how to be an Oscar-caliber actor. Arrrgh, that sound, that wailing. I can't think of a noise...

Icky Stick Smooth Smoking Hand Pipe

$49.99 from Amazon »

I don't like the Icky Stick just because I get a kick out of its branding schtick. I mean, that's the biggest reason, but so too am I interested in this hand pipe's claim that it has been "specially designed to provide...

If you want to know about the best projectile launchers, you're probably getting ready to orchestrate a cubicle warfare offensive at work. Or maybe you just need some new catapult- and slingshot-shaped desktop toys. Or a no-fail gift for a man. You'll find all of those projectile launchers here...

Enigmaze Internet Password Bracelet

Discontinued

I always wear my heart on my sleeve, my egg on my face, and my internet passwords on my wrist. And surprisingly, the Enigmaze Internet Password Bracelet may be the best of those 3 decisions...

Segway Ninebot Electric GoKart Kit

$799.99 from Amazon »

I gotta give Segway and their Ninebot Electric GoKart Kit some credit. Not only does this company persist in releasing new products despite being the butt of so many jokes - from Segway tours to mall cops to George W...

1980s Slang Chart Poster

$12.66 from Amazon »

While this 1980s Slang Chart poster gives me a happy jolt of nostalgia on a gray and sluggish morning, it also makes me feel elderly and moderately embarrassed. Not only do I know every single word the chart points out...

Mini CCTV Screw Camera

$19.99 from Amazon »

It's a screw cam! No, not that kind...well. What you use it for is up to you, I guess. But I'm calling it a screw cam because this miniature CCTV camera looks like the piece of hardware--a simple screw just minding its...

Bad Idea Pyro Cage Incinerator

$309 from Amazon »

Now here's a Bad Idea: a 48" American steel Pyro Cage incinerator to use in place of your 55-gallon drum for burning yard debris, cardboard, and bad juju. The Pyro Cage has a panel construction with a tab-and-slot design...

Allwood Kit Cabins

$3,400 - $34,900 from Amazon »

Allwood Kit Cabins may be no more than glorified playhouses to some, but given that I haven't found a place to put (or the money to buy) my Honomobo Container Home yet...it's time to glorify me a playhouse, baby!...

Tenga Easy Beat Eggs - Men's Portable Pleasure Devices

$6.57 - $9.73 from Amazon »

You know what they say: if you can't beat the egg, let the egg beat you. At least that's what I'd guess they say around the Tenga Easy Beat Egg production line. From the same Tenga that brought you the Flip Hole male...

The Right Cup - Brain-Tricking Flavored Cup

Sold Out from Amazon »

Brain-tricking and NKOTB-approved, The Right Cup is a scented and slightly flavored water cup designed to engage your senses in a way that will make you think you're drinking sweet and fruity water when all that's inside...

The Backpod

$68.88 from Amazon »

Have you gotten the new iHunch yet? The Backpod is a tool developed in New Zealand (so it's Kiwi green, naturally) to relieve the back and neck pain, headaches, and poor posture that can result from the hours we spend...

Screwpop Hit Kit

$29.95 from Amazon »

They call the Screwpop Hit Kit a "personal herb tool," which sound like a major clash of the dialects to me. Urban Dictionary meets corporate PR lingo that won't offend my Aunt Jan. Or how 'bout this SAT-ready analogy:...

Tungsten Sphere

$239 from Amazon »

I'd call the Tungsten Sphere a desktop toy, but given its high density--at just about 2" in diameter the sphere weighs over 3 pounds--I'm not sure how much fiddling or stress-relieving palm rolls you'll be able to do...

Pocket Shot PRO Arrow Slingshot

$99.99 from Amazon »

Pocket Shot ups their slingshot game with the Pocket Shot Pro Arrow Pouch. Where the original slingshot reinvented shooting with a stretchy pouch that fires steel slugs, marbles, .4 cal paintballs, and Airsoft ammo, this...

DrivewaySpike U-Turn Deterrents

$39.95 - $44.95 from Amazon »

Is this a real problem? Or rather, is it such a big deal? People using your driveway as a turnaround. Cars getting lost or going one street too far and pulling into 20' of your pavement to correct their mistake. Since...

Steel Self Defense Bracelet

Discontinued

Self defense or self-inflicted injury? Swingin' 'round this full steel bracelet like a chain whip without really knowing how to swing 'round a chain whip, it could really go either way...

Boob Cube

$8.39 from Amazon »

The Boob Cube is for idiots. And for geniuses. And for idiots who want to convince people they're really geniuses. And for geniuses you want to make feel like idiots. So, yeah, pretty much an ideal gift for any person...

TV-B-Gone Kit

$19.99 from Amazon »

Let's be clear: it would be a supreme a-hole move for someone to use a homemade TV-B-Gone to shut off the women's beach volleyball game I am watching at a bar. Obnoxious and unacceptable. However...were I to use my DIY...

Gauss Rifle Rocket

$44.95 from Amazon »

A message from American Scientific's Gauss rifle, a chain reaction magnetic accelerator, or desktop cannon, styled after a NASA rocket: the learnin' don't stop just 'cause school got coronavirus canceled, kids! And the...

Codex Seraphinianus: World's Strangest Book

Sold Out from Amazon »

First published in 1981, the radically strange and unparalleled Codex Seraphinianus took Italian architect, illustrator, and industrial designer Luigi Serafini 2-1/2 years to complete. What is it? Aside from floating...

Penis Weight Set

$17.79 from Amazon »

All the talk of building a prison body during quarantine made me seek out this penis weight set. Because while you can certainly do pushups, pullups, chinups, dips, and squats like a convicted felon, it's gonna be real...

Radio-controlled tanks that fire actual BBs? Glass sliding doors beware. These RC tanks, which I don't even know how they're allowed really in this day and age but I'm glad they are, are modeled after some of the most iconic tanks utilized in our most iconic wars...

Programmable Mouse Jiggler

$19.88 from Amazon »

It's a professional jiggler! No, not Santa Claus. No. Not a stripper. This is a Mouse Jiggler. And it's got nothing to do with bellies and boobies. Though, like the belly and boobie jigglers, the Mouse Jiggler is here...

Pure White Hell Jigsaw Puzzle

$29.80 from Amazon »

Pure White Hell. What a phrase! Here it applies to the Pure White Hell Jigsaw Puzzle, but I can think of several choice applications...

Willy Care Kit

$25.99 from Amazon »

If your name isn't William, and you don't need a gift for a dude named William, I can't imagine why you'd buy a Willy Care grooming kit. I mean, I know it's a common name and all, but are there really enough Willies out...

Tirecockz Prank Tire Valve Stem Caps

$16.99 - $19.99 from Nordic Offroad »

Ain't no practical joke more practical than Tirecockz. The ridickulous penis tire valve stem caps will humiliate your friend Cornelius (more than driving a Dodge Neon beater already does) but still protect his valve stems...

Big Boobie Beach Ball

$13.50 from Amazon »

The entirety of the Big Boobie Beach Ball's product description reads as follows: "Hit the sand and bat around the Big Boobie Beach Ball. Looks like the real thing and holds up to hard play."...

Buddha Beads Self Defense Necklace

$28.99 from Amazon »

Huh. Not sure how Buddha would feel about people co-opting his peaceful name and beads of spiritual exploration and meditation to make a necklace for whacking an attacker upside the head. But I can kind of see where Phoenix...

If you're reading about the best 80s toys you can still buy, you're probably indulging in nostalgia, and thinking things were way better in the 80s than they are in the 2010s. I don't disagree, but I will say one thing about today: if it weren't for the global and online marketplaces, plus the technology...

Chicken Harness

$14.99 from Amazon »

Excellent. This puts an end to the age-old question, Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn't. Because its responsible owner harnessed that little clucker up to keep it in check...

I learned my most important lesson about frenemies from The Golden Girls. It's that sometimes passive aggressive words and social interactions aren't enough. It's that sometimes I need my frenemies to throw a party. Invite everyone they know. So they can see the biggest revenge gift will be from...

Don't Stop. Be Leaving. Doormat

$22.99 from Amazon »

I'd call the Don't Stop. Be Leaving. Doormat the ultimate Dad joke, but Dad would never be so rude to a visitor. And Dad would never wish a visitor to go away, even salespeople, and Mormons who want to teach him about...

Sometimes, actions speak louder than worries. Putting together a Kim Jong Un nuclear attack preparedness package doesn't just give us something to do besides sit around and worry about North Korea launching missiles and dropping bombs on the US, it's a good way to solidify our readiness for any disaster...

Men's One-Piece Thanos Swimsuit

$35.99 from Amazon »

Thanos may finally get his wish of wiping out half the world's population if enough dudes don a men's one-piece Thanos swimsuit this summer. And I thought the ladies' version was disturbing. But I guess as the great Titan...