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Sunday, July 20, 2014
$14.95 from Amazon »

Another concoction from Drinkwel, makers of the multi-vitamin for drinkers, LyteShow seeks to expand its audience with this highly concentrated, rapid rehydration electrolyte formula. Don't worry, that doesn't mean hardcore...

Tuesday, July 15, 2014
$51.95 from Firebox.com »

To this day I shudder every time I hear "American Girl" because it reminds me of being creeped the F out by Silence of the Lambs in my most formative years. Hannibal Lecter wasn't even so bad. It was that Buffalo Bill dude...

Saturday, April 19, 2014

F-Cup Cookies sound like they would be a joke, and they probably are, but for all women with concave chesticular regions and, more importantly, for all the men who have to fondle them, I sure as 2 seconds of motorboating Kelly Brook would be the best 2 seconds of my life hope they're not. At least they have a 50mg dose of a mythical-sounding herb in them called the Pueraria Mirifica plant. Which...

Tuesday, June 4, 2013
$34.50 from Edible Anus »

Several years ago, Willy Wonka sat down with the UK's most distinguished chocolatiers to lay down the next big release in artisan chocolate. He tried many of their stunning and revolutionary manipulations of the finest Belgian...

Saturday, June 21, 2014
$25.59 - $42.59 from Firebox.com »

Any a-hole can name his beer F**king Hell and profit from the scandalous use of profanity, right? But how many of those a-holes can also stake legitimate and logical claims on the words' application?...

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Two guesses as to which United State Mirth Provisions' cold-pressed coffee infused with locally-grown cannabis extract comes from. Hint: it's not Colorado....

Friday, May 16, 2014
$25.19 from Firebox.com »

I smell sex and...candy here. It's our favorite form of ancient raunch cacao-ified into a box of Kama Sutra chocolates. Now everyone can give 8 slabs of tasty sex positions to their favorite horndog, or the pillar of reserve...

Thursday, January 10, 2013
$425 from CITIZEN:Citizen »

It may still stink, but ingest a couple of these 24K capsules, and your shit will look as handsome as a pile of gold. Tobias Wong and J.A.R.K. (Ju$t Another Rich Kid) created the Gold Pills as part of their INDULGENCE line...

Thursday, November 7, 2013
Sold Out from Brewmeister »

At this time last year, the World's Strongest Beer was Armageddon, a 330 mL bottle of malt, hops, a little sweetness, and an awesome 65% ABV crafted by Scottish brewery Brewmeister. This year, the World's New Strongest Beer...

Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Sold Out from Amazon »

Those who do not live in Washington or Colorado, I have a consolation inhalation prize for you. A glass globe-and-funnel contraption straight out of the Real Genius chem lab, the Vaportini kit gassifies alcohol into a breathable...

If bat shit looked like 1000mW of ice-blue lightning, the S3 Spyder III Arctic Laser would be the physical manifestation of bat shit crazy. As it stands, the world's most powerful laser is just fuckin' nuts. Wicked Lasers' (absolutely, 100% legal) handheld bolt of pure spectral power counts amongst its marketable skills the ability to: Sear through ornery plastic, pop bitch-ass balloons, burn continuously, 24/7, without sustaining damage to its laser diode, function in 9 different operating modes, including Strobe, Constant Wave, SOS, Beacon, and Tactical Hibernation, emit 0.25 Lux of light at a distance of 6,856 meters, turn anyone it hits in the eye at a distance of 149 meters or less into Ray Charles, minus the musical talent and soul.

And if that weren't enough to get it laid every day for the duration of its 5,000+-hour serviceable life, Guinness is currently testing the S3 Arctic for the official title of World's Most Powerful Laser.

The S3 Arctic Series Laser resides in an aircraft grade aluminum chassis that's smaller than a standard flashlight.

Sunday, March 17, 2013
$19.57 - $107.85 from Sexcereal »

SEXCEREAL is the most ingenius display of product spinning and effective branding I've seen since I was 18 months old and my mama transformed spoonfuls of pureed peas into airplanes. Actually, it's even better because it also...

Saturday, May 24, 2014
$1,499.99 from Costco »

And I thought a Costco-sized can of baked beans was big. The stock-up store's contributions to hunger management have always been supersized, so it should come as no surprise that their idea of an emergency preparedness food...

Sunday, June 1, 2014
$11.79 from Energy Shisha »

While drinking coffee in public isn't forbidden...yet...with the recent boom in vaporizer popularity, it's not surprising that caffeine has hopped inside the barrel too. Energy Shisha is an electronic vapor pen that outputs...

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Real men shotgun Pinor Noir. Or maybe they'll start now anyway, since Union Wine Co. has transferred some of their Underwood Pinot Noir and Pinot Gris from pinky in the air, stick up yer ass bottles to backyard BBQ, salt of...

Sunday, September 8, 2013
By: 9mm Vodka

Who wants to be on the receiving end of a shot from a 9mm submachine gun? What if the shot came in a glass and made you feel weak-in-the-knees gooooood instead of weak-in-the-knees punctured in a vital organ? 9mm Vodka, an...

Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Sold Out from Amazon »

And you always thought she was an icy bitch because you couldn't get to second base. The Boob Luge puts a positive spin on the cold reality of interacting with women. Also, just like in the good ol' days of infancy, it allows...

Thursday, May 22, 2014
$28 from Toniiq »

This Memorial Day weekend, I will metabolize my alcohol without damaging my liver! I will take Toniiq Lingzhi capsules the morning after my nights of heavy drinking and address the underlying metabolic process that causes...

Thursday, December 5, 2013

I would call Belcampo's Bacons of the World quarterly sampler pork crack, but in this case, I think it would allude to an entirely different--yet still likely very tasty--part of the pig, rather than the addictive, euphoria-inducing...

Wednesday, November 21, 2012
$149.99 from Vat 19 »

Oh look, a snake that can kill you without biting, constricting, or even being alive. At 84" long, 26.9 pounds, and a staggering 36,720 calories, the Gummy Python will inflict anything from hyperglycemia to ruptured intestines...

Sunday, May 25, 2014
$16.81 from Firebox.com »

Mmmm, nothing cures a hangover like more carbs and alcohol. Though Birra Spalmabile, or Spreadable Beer, contains no actual alcohol, it does contain 40% beer--Atla Quota Greta, to be precise. Sounds Italian. And while the...

Saturday, March 17, 2012
$50.29 from Amazon »

We wondered too, but the answer is no. blk. black bottled water is not part of an SNL skit à la black caulk or Colon Blow. It's a real artesian spring water from aquifers in Canada's Sandiland Forest Reserve. And it takes...

Friday, February 21, 2014
$13.95 from Amazon »

Canned Dragon Meat. It's like Canned Unicorn Meat, but from a slain dragon instead of a slain unicorn. It probably tastes a lot tougher, maybe a little charred, but since slaying a dragon is considered heroic and grounds for...

Sunday, January 6, 2013
$31.50 - $79.50 from Absinthes.com »

Sometimes it's fun to play mad scientist. Particularly when doing so involves hallucinogens. OK, so they removed the thujone component from absinthe, but still, 80% of any experience is perception, right? So if I think I'm...

Friday, July 27, 2012
$19.99 from Amazon »

Great. Something to make the guy in the cube next to me even more hyperactive and annoying. I wonder how fast he'll be able to recite all the state capitols after chugging 32 ounces of the world's strongest coffee. Death Wish...

Tuesday, December 24, 2013
$12 - $144 from Skoshbox »

Listen up, 11th hour shoppers, plus anyone else who loves candy, surprises, and/or the delicacies of Japan (the edible, not the human ones): Skoshbox, a deliverer of monthly, fresh-off-the-boat candies and snacks from the...

Monday, February 25, 2013
$25.14 from Amazon »

I don't really like to shoot to kill--less due to the ethics of felling a majestic beast than the fact that blood and rigor mortis make me squeamish--but I think if given the choice between taking down a deer or taking down...

Wednesday, August 22, 2012
$39.99 from Amazon »

I must have stumbled upon the end of a rainbow because Jack. Pot. My days of spending 15 minutes crouched over my cereal bowl picking out all the boring healthy* brown bits from Lucky Charms are about to be as over as Peyton...

Friday, November 4, 2011
$7.99 from ThinkGeek »

What took them so long? Although I'd prefer an Augustus Gloop drowning in chocolate bar, Han Solo's plight lends itself nicely to aiding in the fattening of America as well. Jabba The Hutt, although posing no long term threat...

Sunday, December 8, 2013
By: UV Vodka

Hello there, ma'am. Fine evening we're having, wouldn't you say? What's that in my hand you ask? Here, have a closer look....

Saturday, May 3, 2014
$24.95 from Amazon »

Boy do I love cheese. Even though sometimes it gives me gas so sulfurically heinous my mama asks if I'm running a pulp mill in my ass. I just feel like if the choice is pizza & pain or no pizza & a life of sadness, the gagging...

Tuesday, November 19, 2013
$161.09 - $241.59 from Firebox.com »

Do you see what it says on one of the drams in the Gin Advent Calendar?! Professor Cornelius! Professor Cornelius Impleforth! I can't stop laughing! Partly due to the thought of my friend Cornelius being a professor, and partly...

Monday, September 16, 2013
$16.42 from Amazon »

Every time you masturbate, God chokes a kitten. I don't know if that bit of wisdom can be found in this Chinese to-go container of of X-Rated Fortune Cookies, but it should be a staple. Get your hands out of your pants and...

Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Sold Out from Amazon »

Nom, nom, nom. It's Hasenpfeffer meets the next-generation three wolf moon shirt. Your days of gnawing on leathery old rabbit parts that taste like a combination of barnyard and the positive ends of AA batteries are over....

Thursday, July 19, 2012
$24.99 from Amazon »

Ahhh, summertime. 'Tis the season. To be sneaky. The Freedom Flask, in the same spirit of duplicity and cunning as the Nano Hummingbird Spy Camera and the iStash, aids users in their quests to do things they aren't supposed...

Sunday, April 14, 2013
$0.92 - $29.99 from Amazon »

Why are green Kit Kats so mesmerizing? Because they look like Zombie Kit Kats? Their flavor is Maccha Green Tea, so they can't possibly taste like anything resembling good, yet they have been flying off the virtual shelves...

Thursday, August 8, 2013
$65 - $680 from Soylent »

Nary a week goes by that I don't hear about how my friend DeAndre just wishes they made a dog food for humans. Something containing all necessary nutrients, adequate calories, and appropriate protein:carb:fat ratios that requires...

Saturday, August 31, 2013
$32.22 from Firehouse Pantry »

Sometimes I wonder what I'll do if one day I don't want the Kraft Mac & Cheese my mama or Bob Evans serves me. Like, what if I want Kraft mini wieners* & cheese or Kraft Jet-Puffed Jumbo Mallows & cheese? Or, screw all this...

Sunday, June 17, 2012
$20.66 from Amazon »

Oh, Dad. You're such a sage. A simultaneous student and master of life. Willing pawn of the golf course, declared slave to the fishing pole. A magnate at the office, a maestro on the grill. Cigar aficionado, connoisseur of...

Monday, November 11, 2013
$15 - $48 from indiegogo »

Though there are many things I can do to prevent a hangover...yeah, Mama, not over-consuming alcohol is indeed one of them...I find drinking glass after glass of water, or eating Tums at 1-hour intervals, or restricting myself...

Sunday, March 16, 2014
$30 from Sosu Sauces »

I told them this is what would happen if they let the roosters near the tomatoes. The cocks just can't keep it to themselves. And now we have this bastard child. This atrocious, humiliating...awesome-sounding, mouthwatering...

Friday, January 13, 2012
$75 from Etsy »

Every groom-to-be gets cold feet at some point, and this zombie wedding cake topper brilliantly summarizes both the worst and best case scenarios that could play out when that happens. Worst Case Scenario: Your feet are so...

Monday, February 17, 2014

Under normal circumstances, my tongue wouldn't be the first place I'd pick to be spanked. But seeing as Tonguespank Spices are coating their lashings in flavors like Garlic Grappa and Scorpion Bourbon, I guess I'd be OK with...

Saturday, March 9, 2013
$30 from Sober Up »

I sure hope my balance, mental clarity, and liver are enjoying themselves right now because my rippin' headache has yet to feel the benefits of Sober Up, the detoxification enhancer I just chugged like Kool-Aid. I know of...

Thursday, January 30, 2014
$10.99 from Amazon »

My ad campaign for this product would be Paleo Wraps: they definitely taste way better than paper. To say the coconut carb substitutes are delicious, or even good, is tough though. They're not bad. And they're not tasteless....

Thursday, June 28, 2012
$11.39 from Amazon »

Red Bull creator Chaleo Yoovidhya died in March 2012, leaving behind an unparalleled energy drink phenomenon and industry. Not since Coca-Cola and YouTube spectacles involving numerous tabs of Alka Seltzer has a carbonated...

Thursday, November 1, 2012
$65 from Brewmeister »

For Brewmeister's Armageddon, the number 65 almost inconceivably corresponds to two very important attributes of the beer: its price for a 330 ml bottle; and its alcohol content. Yep, $65 for 65% ABV. Brewer Lewis Shand explains...

Friday, February 24, 2012
Discontinued

A gargantuan mail-order Peanut Butter Cup Cake, stacked with double layers of rich chocolate devil's food hugging real peanut butter filling, and then drowned in a dark chocolate shell, is the reason acronyms like OMFG and...

Sunday, September 29, 2013
$14.10 from Amazon »

In this case, I think that inserting an eyedropper as a serving utensil for One F**kin' Drop at a Time Hot Sauce isn't more than just a kitschy packaging ploy. Reviews of the habanero- and scotch bonnet-infused mouth incinerator...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012
$499.99 from Urban Mercenaries »

F nuclear codes and attacks. Booze, cards, Red Bull, cash, mints, and first aid are a real man's real tickets to power and life-altering--or at least night-altering--decisions. The briefcase. The weapons. The Football. Reinvented...

Tuesday, April 8, 2014
$9.99 from ThinkGeek »

The Chocolate Zombie Bunny is what happens when you make an April Fool's Joke that sends all the little zombies into a frenzy of Easter basket demands, and then off on a killing spree when they discover the punchline. That...

Monday, March 4, 2013
$4.99 from ThinkGeek »

The little bit of good news I have for you today is that we are only 16 days away from spring and 27 days away from Easter*, which means Peep eating season is upon us! Even better tidings for Minecraft die-hards: Marshmallow...

Sunday, July 7, 2013
$11.99 - $19.99 from Ember »

Not that we should be rewarded for irresponsibly drinking to excess such that we need preventative steps to hangovers, but...Ember kind of rewards us for irresponsibly drinking to excess by way of serving as a preventative...

Tuesday, December 17, 2013
$7.50 from Amazon »

I hear Pasta Boobs pair best with cream-based sauces. I hear Pasta Boobs should be cooked al dente if you want them to stay firm. I hear if you serve Pasta Boobs to kids under 3, they'll only gnaw on the tips. I hear...eh...

Monday, September 3, 2012

The Ole Smoky Moonshine family has honed the art of whiskey makin' since the early days of Smoky Mountain settlement. Distilling was a way to survive during hard times, both in terms of economics and, we presume, morale. After...

Tuesday, October 2, 2012
$12.46 from Amazon »

Shots. In addition to proving (or destroying) your manhood, they are also the best way to clear out random bottles of crème de cacao, orange bitters, and Lillet Blanc from the back of your liquor cabinet. Seattle mixologist...

Thursday, November 7, 2013
$7.99 from ThinkGeek »

Is it too early to be talking about candy canes? Most likely. But I join the Targets and Macy's (Macy'ses?) of the world in shoving Christmas down your throat immediately after Halloween only because I care about you. I care...

Thursday, April 5, 2012
$14.99 from PocketShot »

Is that a shot of tequila in your pocket, or am I just happy to see you? Pocket Shots are flexible, stand-up pouches enshrining 50 ml servings of everyone's favorite 80-proof hard liquor varietals. Long flight? Long day at...

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Usually if beef jerky burns as it travels down my throat it's because I bit off a fat hunk and didn't chew it enough and the burn is due to an oversized mass of dehydrated meat threatening to puncture my esophagus as it lumbers...

Monday, December 3, 2012
$9.63 from Amazon »

The definitive building block of food porn now has its own erotic cookbook. Fifty Shades of Bacon, about damn time. Right, ladies? 'Cause I know once you satiate your carnally voyeuristic instincts reading Fifty Shades of...

Thursday, February 20, 2014
Sold Out from Amazon »

Jade Monk's demonic-looking Japanese spirit animals would like to offer you a "tremendously refreshing" pouch of powder containing 7 cups of green tea nutrients and enough caffeine to turbocharge your mind and body for up...

Tuesday, October 1, 2013
$25 from Bakery Ave. »

I guess you could make cheeseburger cupcake brownies yourself if you know how to bake cupcakes and brownies, and apply icing without squirting it all over your kitchen cabinets, but I don't. Also, things always taste better...

Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Sold Out from Etsy »

Let's preface this pimp of Danilo Buendia's Breaking Bad Blue Glass Meth Rock Candy with the obvious: rock candy is pretty easy to make oneself. Even Blue Glass rock candy. Certainly easier than Blue Glass meth, and probably...

Wednesday, December 14, 2011
$40.19 from Firebox.com »

Twenty four cans of Homer's favorite pastime will have you snoring in your La-Z-Boy before midnight. These aren't just cans that say Duff Beer on them with soda inside either. They have actual alcohol in them. German lager...

Saturday, May 25, 2013
$39.99 from Baconery »

And you thought there was only one way to eat, and then shit, gold. The Baconery's slightly more affordable, 23-karat version of the edible precious metal might even trump Tobias Wong and J.A.R.K.'s pills, as it adds two additional...

Monday, July 9, 2012
$85 - $450 from Etsy »

Rejoice ye liquor-sipping non-smokers who thought the Octopus Pipes we featured last month would be cool, if only you inhaled. Kraken Flasks are here to evoke equal reverence from those who enjoy a fine swig of Scotch or nip...

Friday, August 2, 2013
$34 from Epic »

I know what you're thinking: that is a slab of jerky with the inexplicable addition of dried fruit and a fancy wrapper. And I say, yeah, OK. That's one way to look at Epic grass-fed meat bars. But having tried the Bison Bacon...

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Wedding cakes have been topped with zombies. Video game junkies. Your own face. But have you ever seen one topped with an infinite web of sugar spun in 3 out of 3 dimensions? The Sugar Lab will custom make 3D printed sugar...

Saturday, June 8, 2013
$17.89 from Amazon »

Gators and ostrich and bears, oh my...dayum! Giving bacon gift boxes and Broquets a possible run for their money this Father's Day: Buffalo Bob's Wild Game Jerky. The sampler pack....