Food

La Salamandra Argentinian Dulce de Leche

$11.27 from Amazon »

Amongst all the cows Argentina is known for converting to internationally-renowned ribs and steaks there must be a few they keep around and milk for converting into what is apparently also internationally-renowned dulce...

Ghost Pepper Honey

$14.99 from Geddes Farms »

And she looked at you and said, "You want your honey? Oh, this bitch is about to give you your honey." I think that's the inspiration behind Geddes Farms' Ghost Pepper Honey. The retaliation might not go quite as planned...

Your Face on an Animal Cookie

You've had your face on a stamp. On a superhero action figure. Even on a super creepy mask worn by someone who is not you. But I think the best place of all for your face...uh, next to your head...is on an animal cookie....

Breaking Bad Los Pollos Hermanos Fry Batter

$18.99 from Amazon »

Celebrate this summer--and finding Walter--with a big bucket of Los Pollos Hermanos fried chicken. And if you don't live close enough to Breaking Bad's fictional representation of Albuquerque to grab some, grab a bucket...

Black Peanut Butter

$5 from Frolic »

While I don't really know what's up with the price of Frolic's black peanut butter being quoted in Indonesian rupiah*, I do know what's up with its blackness. And it's not squid ink, medicinal charcoal, or blood infected...

Ego Boost Beauty Chocolate with Collagen

$13.39 from Firebox.com »

I have bad news and I have good news. The bad news: stuffing your face with chocolate will plump up your ass with unsightly cottage cheese-looking lumps of fat. The good news: stuffing your face with Ego Boost chocolate...

Chocolate Megalodon Shark Teeth

$15.99 from Fossilera »

Why eat a chocolate bunny for Easter this year when you can eat...all the chocolate bunnies on earth with a massive chocolate megalodon shark tooth? Muahahaha! These edible and...wait for it...toothsome replicas are molded...

Halfpops - Half-popped Popcorn

$23.84 from Amazon »

Halfpops are the Hans & Franz of popcorn. Where sissy girly men might eat airy, puffy, pouf clouds for snacks, real Alphas eat Halfpops. Halfpops take your regular popcorn kernels and [clap] pump them up. Less popping...

X-Mode Energy Shots on Tap

$29.99 from Amazon »

Uh oh. As if kegs of beer and boxes of wine aren't dangerous enough in my hands. I don't want children, but I have a feeling if I spent an hour in a room with X-Mode and its 100 ounces of energy shots on tap I'd walk...

DIY Inside-Out Hard Boiled Eggs

The Golden Goose has already made famous man's power to scramble an egg in its shell, but what if you want to defy and blaspheme the chicken gods even further? Not only whip and muddle their dead fetuses around inside...

Vodquila

Vodquila. A mix of vodka, tequila, and a first class ticket to a hangover-free Sunday morning. I know they say two wrongs don't make a right and all that crapola, but I don't think that's true for alcohol. Like, I'm pretty...

Bulk Single Flavor Candy

$10.99 - $50.98 from Amazon »

Mama! I said I only want the Cherry Starburst! Only the Cherries! Ahhh, just remembering the days when my mama had to toil over picking out all the good Starburst, Skittles, and Tootsie Pop flavors for me. The days before...

Mushroom Log Kit

$29.95 from Williams Sonoma »

They won't be magically delicious, but the mushrooms that grow out of these spore-injected logs will be tasty as shiitake. Williams Sonoma's homegrown mushroom kit features a hand-cut hardwood log filled will little fertilized...

Chocolution Exploration Kits

$39.99 from ThinkGeek »

One swell habit I developed over the holiday season was eating large quantities of food. Particularly those containing bacon and chocolate (usually separately, but sometimes together). So my New Year's Resolution is to...

World's Largest Box of Nerds Candy

Sold Out from Amazon »

This looks healthy. A little grand finale to the Christmas ham and candied yams? (And apple pie, fudge, half a dozen of those Corn Flake cookies dyed green and shaped like wreaths....) The World's Largest Box of Nerds...

The Bacon Jams

$14.99 from The Bacon Jams »

Bacon jam is kind of like peanut butter: intended as a spread or topping, but inevitably eaten by the spoonful standing at the kitchen counter. Preserved pork advocates The Bacon Jams are happy to oblige either method...

Schweddy Balls Peanut Butter Malt Balls

Sold Out from Amazon »

No one can resist Pete's Schweddy Balls. They come from an old family recipe. Delicate and toothsome with a moist, chewy center, Schweddy Balls will put all other balls you've ever put in your mouth to shame. With their...

Flump Face - Your Photo on a Giant Marshmallow

$20.49 from Firebox.com »

Oh man, I cannot wait to toast my ex-girlfriend Karen's face over a roaring fire or blow it up in the microwave. Flump Face gives us the great pleasure of printing favorite pics of ourselves, the people we love, or the...

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DIY Jet Black Hellfire Burgers

$11.20 from Amazon »

I wouldn't be surprised if the secret ingredient to concocting a jet black burger that looks like it's been roasted on the flames of hell was one that inflicted a weeklong case of Montezuma's Revenge. But, somewhat ironically...

Colon Blow Granola

Sold Out from Amazon »

Take a guess. How many bowls of your oat bran cereal would it take to equal the fiber content of just one bowl of Colon Blow? Hint: It's not 2. It's not 3. And it's not 9. Bigger Hint: It's enough to make Phil Hartman...

Bacon Chocolate Covered Oreos & Twinkies

$13.99 from Amazon »

Oreos and Twinkies topped with bacon and then dipped in chocolate. This is what I would call the Trick-or-Treating Mother Lode. At least before wackjobs started putting needles and poison into their homemade treats for...

Hush Moonshine

According to Hush, "The moonshine business was built on confidence, loyalty and the ability to keep secrets." That's a nice way to put it. Nicer than, "The moonshine business originated as an illegal and criminal activity...

Bees Knees Spicy Honey

$14 from MixedMade »

I'm not sure I can wrap my head around the implications--the glorious, glorious implications--of what essentially amounts to the honey bear being left alone with the Sriracha rooster in a kitchen cabinet for too long....

Viveltre Gourmet Marshmallows

$5.99 - $9.99 from Viveltre »

Today's Lesson: If you're going to eat...hold on, let me count...30 jumbo marshmallows for breakfast, they may as well be jumbo marshmallows that are F'ing. Delicious. Viveltre, confectioner and administrator of my lesson...

Abashiri Blue Beer

$8.19 - $21.19 from Firebox.com »

One guess as to where Abashiri Blue Beer comes from. Hint: not Smurf Village, and not outer space. Which leaves only one other logical choice, right? Yep: Japan....

Cherkees - Real Beef Jerky Potato Chips

$5.99 - $24.99 from Snack Innovators »

Cherkees. They're not just potatoes deep fried in liquid smoke. These are straight up hybrids. Interminglings of gene pools. Culinary mutts of joy. Mr. Potato Head eating a fat T-bone steak. Cherkees entwine real potatoes...

One Night Stand Choco-Tequila Potion

$8 - $30 from Dude, Sweet Chocolate »

So many choice words surround this bottle of saucy booze. Its name, One Night Stand Potion. Its creator, Dude, Sweet Chocolate. Its ingredients, 100 anos tequila, agave, mixed origin South American chocolate, and Valrohna...

Cake in a Can

$7.25 - $9.07 from Not on the High Street »

The Food Ministry makes Cake in a Can. Well, really they mix up dry cake ingredients and seal them inside an adorable cylinder of recyclable metal. Then they ship them to people who are too lazy or inept to follow the...

Sugar Lab 3D-Printed Candy

$36 from Cubify »

Oh boy, edible geometry. But in order to eat one of Sugar Lab's 3D-printed sour or peppermint candies, you must first be able to answer multiple choice questions about what the cube with the sphere at its right side and...

LyteShow Rapid Rehydration Electrolytes

$15.95 from Amazon »

Another concoction from Drinkwel, makers of the multi-vitamin for drinkers, LyteShow seeks to expand its audience with this highly concentrated, rapid rehydration electrolyte formula. Don't worry, that doesn't mean hardcore...

Dinner with Lecter

$51.95 from Firebox.com »

To this day I shudder every time I hear "American Girl" because it reminds me of being creeped the F out by Silence of the Lambs in my most formative years. Hannibal Lecter wasn't even so bad. It was that Buffalo Bill...

Underwood Wine in a Can

Real men shotgun Pinor Noir. Or maybe they'll start now anyway, since Union Wine Co. has transferred some of their Underwood Pinot Noir and Pinot Gris from pinky in the air, stick up yer ass bottles to backyard BBQ, salt...

F**king Hell Beer

$25.59 - $42.59 from Firebox.com »

Any a-hole can name his beer F**king Hell and profit from the scandalous use of profanity, right? But how many of those a-holes can also stake legitimate and logical claims on the words' application?...

Cannabis Cold Brew Coffee

Two guesses as to which United State Mirth Provisions' cold-pressed coffee infused with locally-grown cannabis extract comes from. Hint: it's not Colorado....

Energy Shisha Caffeine Vapor Pen

$11.79 from Energy Shisha »

While drinking coffee in public isn't forbidden...yet...with the recent boom in vaporizer popularity, it's not surprising that caffeine has hopped inside the barrel too. Energy Shisha is an electronic vapor pen that outputs...

Spreadable Beer

$16.81 from Firebox.com »

Mmmm, nothing cures a hangover like more carbs and alcohol. Though Birra Spalmabile, or Spreadable Beer, contains no actual alcohol, it does contain 40% beer--Atla Quota Greta, to be precise. Sounds Italian. And while...

1 Year Food Storage

$1,499.99 from Costco »

And I thought a Costco-sized can of baked beans was big. The stock-up store's contributions to hunger management have always been supersized, so it should come as no surprise that their idea of an emergency preparedness...

Toniiq Hangover Treatment

$28 from Toniiq »

This Memorial Day weekend, I will metabolize my alcohol without damaging my liver! I will take Toniiq Lingzhi capsules the morning after my nights of heavy drinking and address the underlying metabolic process that causes...

Kama Sutra Chocolates (NSFW)

$25.19 from Firebox.com »

I smell sex and...candy here. It's our favorite form of ancient raunch cacao-ified into a box of Kama Sutra chocolates. Now everyone can give 8 slabs of tasty sex positions to their favorite horndog, or the pillar of...

30-Minute Mozzarella Cheesemaking Kit

$24.27 from Amazon »

Boy do I love cheese. Even though sometimes it gives me gas so sulfurically heinous my mama asks if I'm running a pulp mill in my ass. I just feel like if the choice is pizza & pain or no pizza & a life of sadness, the...

F-Cup Cookies

F-Cup Cookies sound like they would be a joke, and they probably are, but for all women with concave chesticular regions and, more importantly, for all the men who have to fondle them, I sure as 2 seconds of motorboating...

Chocolate Zombie Bunny

$9.99 from ThinkGeek »

The Chocolate Zombie Bunny is what happens when you make an April Fool's Joke that sends all the little zombies into a frenzy of Easter basket demands, and then off on a killing spree when they discover the punchline....

Srirachup - Sriracha Ketchup

$30 from Sosu Sauces »

I told them this is what would happen if they let the roosters near the tomatoes. The cocks just can't keep it to themselves. And now we have this bastard child. This atrocious, humiliating...awesome-sounding, mouthwatering...

Canned Dragon Meat

Sold Out from Amazon »

Canned Dragon Meat. It's like Canned Unicorn Meat, but from a slain dragon instead of a slain unicorn. It probably tastes a lot tougher, maybe a little charred, but since slaying a dragon is considered heroic and grounds...

Jade Monk Turbo Green Tea

Sold Out from Amazon »

Jade Monk's demonic-looking Japanese spirit animals would like to offer you a "tremendously refreshing" pouch of powder containing 7 cups of green tea nutrients and enough caffeine to turbocharge your mind and body for...

Tonguespank Spices

Under normal circumstances, my tongue wouldn't be the first place I'd pick to be spanked. But seeing as Tonguespank Spices are coating their lashings in flavors like Garlic Grappa and Scorpion Bourbon, I guess I'd be...

Coconut Wraps

$9.99 from Amazon »

My ad campaign for this product would be Paleo Wraps: they definitely taste way better than paper. To say the coconut carb substitutes are delicious, or even good, is tough though. They're not bad. And they're not tasteless....

Whiskey Beef Jerky

Usually if beef jerky burns as it travels down my throat it's because I bit off a fat hunk and didn't chew it enough and the burn is due to an oversized mass of dehydrated meat threatening to puncture my esophagus as...

A Monthly Taste of Japan Box

$12 - $144 from Skoshbox »

Listen up, 11th hour shoppers, plus anyone else who loves candy, surprises, and/or the delicacies of Japan (the edible, not the human ones): Skoshbox, a deliverer of monthly, fresh-off-the-boat candies and snacks from...

Pasta Boobs

Sold Out from Amazon »

I hear Pasta Boobs pair best with cream-based sauces. I hear Pasta Boobs should be cooked al dente if you want them to stay firm. I hear if you serve Pasta Boobs to kids under 3, they'll only gnaw on the tips. I hear...eh...

Sriracha Vodka

Hello there, ma'am. Fine evening we're having, wouldn't you say? What's that in my hand you ask? Here, have a closer look....

Bacons of the World Sampler

I would call Belcampo's Bacons of the World quarterly sampler pork crack, but in this case, I think it would allude to an entirely different--yet still likely very tasty--part of the pig, rather than the addictive, euphoria-inducing...

Thanksgiving Popcorn Feast

$34.99 from Amazon »

Well here's one way to appease vegetarians, gluten intolerants, lousy cooks, people with a dish washing aversion, and Orville Redenbacher this Thanksgiving. King of POP has condensed an entire Turkey Day feast into 9...

Gin & Whisky Advent Calendars

$161.09 - $241.59 from Firebox.com »

Do you see what it says on one of the drams in the Gin Advent Calendar?! Professor Cornelius! Professor Cornelius Impleforth! I can't stop laughing! Partly due to the thought of my friend Cornelius being a professor...

Ghost Pepper Jelly

Sold Out from Amazon »

Suzanne says her Ghost Jelly is perfect for your favorite hotty. I think it's perfect for my friend Cornelius' toast, which I will butter and jelly up for him out of kindness, and inform him is smeared with orange marmalade...

Ficks Cocktail Fortifier

$14.99 from Amazon »

Though there are many things I can do to prevent a hangover...yeah, Mama, not over-consuming alcohol is indeed one of them...I find drinking glass after glass of water, or eating Tums at 1-hour intervals, or restricting...

Snake Venom - World's (New) Strongest Beer

Sold Out from Brewmeister »

At this time last year, the World's Strongest Beer was Armageddon, a 330 mL bottle of malt, hops, a little sweetness, and an awesome 65% ABV crafted by Scottish brewery Brewmeister. This year, the World's New Strongest...

Sriracha Candy Canes

$7.99 from ThinkGeek »

Is it too early to be talking about candy canes? Most likely. But I join the Targets and Macy's (Macy'ses?) of the world in shoving Christmas down your throat immediately after Halloween only because I care about you....

Get Up and Go Caffeinated Baked Goods

$8.99 - $36 from Get Up and Go »

Get Up and Go baked goods advertise their delivery of caffeine without the coffee. Having consumed several...in the past 11 minutes...I would advertise that, even better, they jack up my motivation and focus without the...

Cheeseburger Cupcake Brownies

$25 from Bakery Ave. »

I guess you could make cheeseburger cupcake brownies yourself if you know how to bake cupcakes and brownies, and apply icing without squirting it all over your kitchen cabinets, but I don't. Also, things always taste...

One F**kin' Drop at a Time Hot Sauce

$10.03 from Amazon »

In this case, I think that inserting an eyedropper as a serving utensil for One F**kin' Drop at a Time Hot Sauce isn't more than just a kitschy packaging ploy. Reviews of the habanero- and scotch bonnet-infused mouth...

X-Rated Fortune Cookies

$16.42 from Amazon »

Every time you masturbate, God chokes a kitten. I don't know if that bit of wisdom can be found in this Chinese to-go container of of X-Rated Fortune Cookies, but it should be a staple. Get your hands out of your pants...

9mm Vodka

Who wants to be on the receiving end of a shot from a 9mm submachine gun? What if the shot came in a glass and made you feel weak-in-the-knees gooooood instead of weak-in-the-knees punctured in a vital organ? 9mm Vodka...

Life-Size Gummy Skull

$39.99 from Vat 19 »

This is what happens to people who eat 5-pound gummy bears: they OD on sugar and high fructose corn syrup, their brains become gelatinous, and they turn into 5-pound gummy skulls. In flavors cherry, blue raspberry, and...

Ivanabitch Tobacco Vodka

Now that flavored vodkas have started to peak in trendiness--I saw Cilantro over the weekend--and most states are prohibiting smoking inside public places, it's only natural that some enterprising company would bring...

5lb Bag of Kraft Cheese Powder

$32.22 from Firehouse Pantry »

Sometimes I wonder what I'll do if one day I don't want the Kraft Mac & Cheese my mama or Bob Evans serves me. Like, what if I want Kraft mini wieners* & cheese or Kraft Jet-Puffed Jumbo Mallows & cheese? Or, screw all...