Novelty

Bacons of the World Sampler

I would call Belcampo's Bacons of the World quarterly sampler pork crack, but in this case, I think it would allude to an entirely different--yet still likely very tasty--part of the pig, rather than the addictive, euphoria-inducing...

Thanksgiving Popcorn Feast

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Well here's one way to appease vegetarians, gluten intolerants, lousy cooks, people with a dish washing aversion, and Orville Redenbacher this Thanksgiving. King of POP has condensed an entire Turkey Day feast into 9...

Ghost Pepper Jelly

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Suzanne says her Ghost Jelly is perfect for your favorite hotty. I think it's perfect for my friend Cornelius' toast, which I will butter and jelly up for him out of kindness, and inform him is smeared with orange marmalade...

Sriracha Candy Canes

$7.99 ThinkGeek »

Is it too early to be talking about candy canes? Most likely. But I join the Targets and Macy's (Macy'ses?) of the world in shoving Christmas down your throat immediately after Halloween only because I care about you...

Get Up and Go Caffeinated Baked Goods

$8.99 - $36 Get Up and Go »

Get Up and Go baked goods advertise their delivery of caffeine without the coffee. Having consumed several...in the past 11 minutes...I would advertise that, even better, they jack up my motivation and focus without the...

One F**kin' Drop at a Time Hot Sauce

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In this case, I think that inserting an eyedropper as a serving utensil for One F**kin' Drop at a Time Hot Sauce isn't more than just a kitschy packaging ploy. Reviews of the habanero- and scotch bonnet-infused mouth...

X-Rated Fortune Cookies

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Every time you masturbate, God chokes a kitten. I don't know if that bit of wisdom can be found in this Chinese to-go container of of X-Rated Fortune Cookies, but it should be a staple. Get your hands out of your pants...

5lb Bag of Kraft Cheese Powder

Sometimes I wonder what I'll do if one day I don't want the Kraft Mac & Cheese my mama or Bob Evans serves me. Like, what if I want Kraft mini wieners* & cheese or Kraft Jet-Puffed Jumbo Mallows & cheese? Or, screw all...

Soylent - Dog Food for Humans

$47.99 Amazon »

Nary a week goes by that I don't hear about how my friend DeAndre just wishes they made a dog food for humans. Something containing all necessary nutrients, adequate calories, and appropriate protein:carb:fat ratios that...

3D Printed Sugar

Wedding cakes have been topped with zombies. Video game junkies. Your own face. But have you ever seen one topped with an infinite web of sugar spun in 3 out of 3 dimensions? The Sugar Lab will cus

Civet Sh*t Coffee Beans

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Why do we have so many shit-themed items around here? Steaming turd cakes to send anonymously to exes. Pills that turn your defecation adventures golden. Rich, delectable chocolates lovingly molded into the shape of assholes...

PB Crave Peanut Butter

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You already stand at the kitchen counter eating spoonfuls of peanut butter straight out of the jar anyway, so why not make the guilty pleasure even more enjoyable with PB Crave's addition of the ingredients you might...

Carbonated Sugar

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Carbonated sugar. Also known as Popping Sugar. Also known as the shit they use to make Pop Rocks! F stingy, tablespoonful servings for 99 cents, how's about a whole vat of candied mouth explosions? And a mere packet of...

Ember Hangover Burner

Discontinued

Not that we should be rewarded for irresponsibly drinking to excess such that we need preventative steps to hangovers, but...Ember kind of rewards us for irresponsibly drinking to excess by way of serving as a preventative...

Eat-A-Bug Cookbook

$2.29 Amazon »

What are you going to do with all those insects and arthropods and segmented slimers you kill with your Bug-A-Salt shotgun? How about whipping up a batch of Wax Worm Cookies? Mmmmmm, smell those self-regenerative body...

Wino Popcorn

$8 - $48 Populence »

Popcorn and wine. They go together like peanut butter and, uh...french fries? Like something I'd probably try it because I dig both of those things individually and they don't have entirely antagonistic flavors, but I'd...

Wild Game Jerky Sampler Pack

$25.95 Amazon »

Gators and ostrich and bears, oh my...dayum! Giving bacon gift boxes and Broquets a possible run for their money this Father's Day: Buffalo Bob's Wild Game Jerky. The sampler pack...

Breast Milk Lollipops

$10 Lollyphile »

Oh, would that they were made of real breast milk...that would be F'ing sick. But in the grand spirit of edible items simply modeled after choice body parts*, the Lollyphile's Breast Milk Lollipops don't contain actual...

Edible Anus Chocolates

$8.90 Amazon »

Several years ago, Willy Wonka sat down with the UK's most distinguished chocolatiers to lay down the next big release in artisan chocolate. He tried many of their stunning and revolutionary manipulations of the finest...

Caffeinated Baking Sugar

$14.99 ThinkGeek »

Here is what's going to happen when I give Cornelius pot brownies made with Jacked Up caffeinated baking sugar: first he will say he doesn't feel anything. This will continue for 11 to 17 minutes. Then he will jump out...

23K Gold Chocolate Bacon

Discontinued

And you thought there was only one way to eat, and then shit, gold. The Baconery's slightly more affordable, 23-karat version of the edible precious metal might even trump Tobias Wong and J.A.R.K.'s pills, as it adds...

MacAweenie & Cheese

$9.99 Amazon »

Penis pasta, penis pasta, penis pasta! Cornelius just made me say it 3 times fast. I found that it wasn't very difficult, but he found it very funny because everyone in the Apple store looked at me like I'm the type of...

Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce

$11.99 Amazon »

Not only is this item called Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce, but it's sold by a vendor named Professor Phardtpounders. How tacky and immature. I want some. Specifically, I want a concoction of Scotch bonnet peppers, mustard...

Freeze Dried Meat

$38.19 - $288.99 Amazon »

Japanese earwax magnifiers, freeze dried meat, Today's Special is: weirdness. Now someone take that mannequin's hat off so he'll stop yammering about sharing and being nice to people. Honeyville Rancher's Cut carnivorous...