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23K Gold Chocolate Bacon

By: on May 25, 2013
$39.99
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And you thought there was only one way to eat, and then shit, gold. The Baconery's slightly more affordable, 23-karat version of the edible precious metal might even trump Tobias Wong and J.A.R.K.'s pills, as it adds two additional little preciouses to the mix: chocolate and bacon.

Crafted from succulent, choice pigs, which begat Nueske's Cherrywood Bacon; sugar, cocoa, and cream, which begat Guittard's Semi-Sweet Dark Chocolate; and Mother Earth, who begat 23K edible gold flakes, this 6-strip package of candied ecstasy won't just deliver a novel dusting of the glistening riches, it will leave all of its devourers feeling as if they've struck a mine's worth of them.

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Edible Anus Chocolates

$5.94 from Amazon »

Several years ago, Willy Wonka sat down with the UK's most distinguished chocolatiers to lay down the next big release in artisan chocolate. He tried many of their stunning and revolutionary manipulations of the finest...

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Fully Stocked Swiss Bank Safe

Here's a Swiss bank safe for you to put in your living room. Or your back yard. Your secret catacombs? Somewhere roomy, guarded, and secure, because one thing's for sure: the vault's self-contained 1,619 safe deposit...

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Sh*t Gold Pills

$425 from CITIZEN:Citizen »

It may still stink, but ingest a couple of these 24K capsules, and your shit will look as handsome as a pile of gold. Tobias Wong and J.A.R.K. (Ju$t Another Rich Kid) created the Gold Pills as part of their INDULGENCE...

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Alpha Rebel KCUF Luxury Survival Bracelets

$230 - $250 from Alpha Rebel »

Life testing your limits? KCUF it and expand them to 9' of 550-pound US Military paracord in seconds. The breaking strength can assist with anything from tying down your gear during a windstorm to tying up the bad guys...

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Solar Egg - The Golden Egg Sauna

Holy Willy Wonka golden goose egg, Batman! Want to go for a sauna? Come on, you gotta be sore--and cold!--from battling Mr. Freeze and ziplining 700 yards on one arm back to the Batcave!...

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Bacon Express Crispy Bacon Grill

$29.99 from Amazon »

Whole wheat in the toaster, bacon in the...other toaster, a yank of the iceberg, a slice of the tomato, and mmmm. BLTeee-licious. Without turning on the stove or getting popped in the eye with a grease BB....

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Milk & Cookie Shot Maker

$19.90 from Amazon »

Milk & cookies. & liquid chocolate. & shots. Maybe I'll make it through this year after all. Wait, what? I have to make it all myself? With molds and melters and ingredients from the store? Come on! I thought I could...

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20-Pound Chocolate Lionel Richie Head

$833.19 from Firebox.com »

I didn't think there could be anything better than having a hot chick sculpt an enormous model of my head out of clay, but...Hello! Chocolate beats mud any day. Lionel Richie. You lucky bastard....

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Bacon Condoms

$9.99 from Bacon Salt »

Bill Gates, you put out an open call. You asked for the "next generation" in condoms. A design that will revolutionize safe sex practices by making the peen sheaths more desirable to wear. Men and birth control in third...

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Pro-Pointer Waterproof Metal Detector

$127.45 from Amazon »

Frisbee? Volleyball? Flexing? Pssshhh! If you really want to impress the ladies on the beach this summer, find them a precious metal nugget from the ocean with Garrett's Pro Pointer AT Metal Detector. The underwater treasure...

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Han Solo Carbonite Chocolate Bar

$7.99 from ThinkGeek »

What took them so long? Although I'd prefer an Augustus Gloop drowning in chocolate bar, Han Solo's plight lends itself nicely to aiding in the fattening of America as well. Jabba The Hutt, although posing no long term...

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Kama Sutra Chocolates (NSFW)

Discontinued

I smell sex and...candy here. It's our favorite form of ancient raunch cacao-ified into a box of Kama Sutra chocolates. Now everyone can give 8 slabs of tasty sex positions to their favorite horndog, or the pillar of...