Caffeinated Baking Sugar

By: on June 01, 2013
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Here is what's going to happen when I give Cornelius pot brownies made with Jacked Up caffeinated baking sugar: first he will say he doesn't feel anything. This will continue for 11 to 17 minutes. Then he will jump out of his chair and begin moving erratically as if he has a hamster in his panties (note: this is different than having a panty hamster), at which point I will suggest we go outside and find some dudes to hustle at hoops. Upon arrival at the park, Cornelius will make a beeline for the nearest group of 8-year-olds and challenge them to a game of HORSE. After schooling them into the pavement, Cornelius will confiscate one of their Big Wheels as payment and ride off into the sunset...in hot pursuit of the ice cream man, whose entire supply of Vanilla Caramel Drumsticks he will purchase and consume on the side of the road as space and time bend into visible sine waves before him. Then he'll fall asleep and wake up in some cougar's bathtub wearing a Hello Kitty thong and nipple clamps again.

Pot treats and caffeinated baking sugar treats are probably best left as mutually exclusive entities. And given that pot is illegal in most states and caffeinated sugar is the opposite, I recommend starting with the latter. Jacked Up sugar can replace up to 1 cup of standard sugar in a recipe (no more than 1 Tbsp of caffeinated crystals per serving). 1 tsp of caffeinated sugar has 46 mg of caffeine; 1 Tbsp, 137 mg; and 1 cup 2,200 mg.

By the way, if you're looking to experiment with caffeinated baking sugar, and would like to deposit it inside the mostfuckingdelicious brownies in this galaxy and a galaxy far, far away, here is the recipe:

Turtle Brownies

  • 1 box German Chocolate Cake Mix
  • 1 14-oz. pkg. caramels
  • 2/3 cup sweetened condensed milk, divided
  • 1 1/2 sticks butter, melted
  • 1 cup pecans
  • 6-oz. chocolate chips

Grease a 9" x 13" pan and preheat oven to 350.

Mix cake mix, melted butter, 1/3 cup condensed milk and nuts. Put 1/2 of mixture in 9 x 13 pan; bake at 350 F for 6 minutes, and remove from oven.

Meanwhile, melt caramels with 1/3 cup condensed milk over medium heat in small saucepan on stovetop. Stir a lot.

Sprinkle chocolate chips over bottom layer of cake mix, and then pour melted caramel mixture over it. Spread around to distribute. Drop remainder of batter in small spoonfuls over caramel layer.

Return to oven and bake for 20 to 25 minutes more.

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