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X-Rated Fortune Cookies

By: on September 16, 2013
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Every time you masturbate, God chokes a kitten. I don't know if that bit of wisdom can be found in this Chinese to-go container of of X-Rated Fortune Cookies, but it should be a staple. Get your hands out of your pants and onto something that will help you make something of your life, son. Even if it's just a haggard cougar with a hefty divorce settlement.

With gems such as, "If you think you feel good, wait 'til you feel me," and "Tight butts drive me nuts," the X-Rated descriptor on this set of fortune cookies may be an exaggeration, but maybe even more crowd-pleasing are the serving suggestions on the back of the cookies' box. Apparently, they're the perfect complement to dishes ranging from Cum Tu Soon and Cream of Sum Yong Guy to Wai Tu Yung and Toung Sum Chick.

Boxes contain 6 cookies a piece, and come (hard, I'll bet) in sets of 4, for 24 cookies total.

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Conor McGregor F*ck You Pinstripe Suit

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I don't know how long the rest of the world will remember the Conor McGregor vs. Floyd Mayweather fight after it's over, but anyone who drops $6,500 on a David August Fuck You pinstripe suit like the one McGregor wore...

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The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas (NSFW)

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F-Cup Cookies

F-Cup Cookies sound like they would be a joke, and they probably are, but for all women with concave chesticular regions and, more importantly, for all the men who have to fondle them, I sure as 2 seconds of motorboating...

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Milk & Cookie Shot Maker

$19.85 from Amazon »

Milk & cookies. & liquid chocolate. & shots. Maybe I'll make it through this year after all. Wait, what? I have to make it all myself? With molds and melters and ingredients from the store? Come on! I thought I could...

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This alphabet isn't adult just because A is for Anus, but also because of the accompanying anatomical representation author Max Willy has selected to make sure everyone knows what an anus is. Stick out your pointer finger...

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Who would claim you can "get smarter while swearing at your friends?" F**kin' Australia, mates. F**k. The Game is an Aussie issue, and a mind trip of cards and colors and good ol' cussin' for us all. It's a spirited party...

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Spinning F Pin

$7.99 from Ball & Chain Co. »

When indecision strikes or words fail you, let fate decide the most appropriate way to F the situation. This enamel pin secures to your lapel where it will always be within finger's reach and ready to spin-a-fuck the...

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Cards Against Humanity Fortune Cookies

$10 from OK Cookie Co. »

I like the fortunes that say things like, "Soon you will be sitting on top of the world," and "May you grow rich," followed by a series of lucky numbers that happen to coincide with those drawn during this week's Power...

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Lewd and Obscene Party Game

$24.99 from Lewd and Obscene »

Lewd and Obscene, according to creator Anthony Annese, is what would happen "if Urban Dictionary and Balderdash had a one night stand and the condom broke." Testament #1 to the validity of that statement: mentally rotate...

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Milk & Cookies Shots

Now that the Cookie Monster has had his fling with Siri, maybe he can engage the services of Alexa to order him a dozen...or 8 dozen...of Dirty Cookie's Milk & Cookie Shots. I can't wait to see what he gets up to while...

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The Big Coloring Book of Sex Positions

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According to The Big Coloring Book of Sex Positions, "Sex curls our toes, sparks our imagination, delightfully stimulates a multitude of sensations, makes us have funny faces, makes us docile and makes us crazy." Apparently...

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Disturbed Friends - The Worst Game Ever Made

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Consumer drones? Wearables? Self-driving cars (and -walking shoes)? Nah. I think politically incorrect card-based games that at some point make every person playing them feel extremely uncomfortable or self-conscious...