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First Contact Sucks Leggings

By: on August 25, 2013

They call the leggings First Contact Sucks because some are of the opinion that Meeting other intelligent life forms for the first time could probably have gone a little better. What, better than KRA-KOOOOM!? But I love KRA-KOOOOM! KRA-KOOOOM! is the reason I pay $12 for a ticket to the movies, even though when I was a kid it cost half that. I'm not even exaggerating. When I saw Independence Day as a new release, I know I didn't pay a dime over $6 to get into the primetime showing. Also, when I got my license there was, like, a 2-week period when you could fill your gas tank for 89 cents a gallon. I don't think it topped a dollar in the entirety of 1996. It was so awesome. We'd drive all over town honking at people or squirting them with Super Soakers and then go eat at Steak 'n' Shake or hang out in the 7-11 parking lot until curfew. I never had a curfew though because my mama was the best. And also she knew all the other kids' parents would give them curfews so I'd end up coming home by midnight anyway.

Anyway, if you like aliens and you like humans getting their asses kicked by aliens initially, only to band together, rise up, and charge back blowing the mothers back to their own planet, these leggings have your name on them. They also have your name on them if your name is KRA-KOOOOM!

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The TRON Light Cycle

Discontinued

Yeah, it costs more than twice the country's 2011 median income, but two little words make it worth every penny: Street. Legal. If you can convince the bank, or your mom, to spot you the cash, a living, breathing replica...

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Anatomical Leggings

Been scouring the racks for pants that display your ass as the true anatomical masterpiece it is? Black Milk Clothing's skin-tight anatomical leggings won't just enhance the curves of your posterior, they'll show off...

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Wolverine Style Hand Claw Dagger

Sold Out from Amazon »

What the WTF Amazon? You're in the weapons trade now? These costume-y looking hand claws have real blades of razor-sharp, 8.75-inch, 440C stainless steel, which make them exponentially and disturbingly more portentous...

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Flayed Flesh Garters

Sold Out from Etsy »

Take peek-a-boo garters to the next level: peek-a-boo blood vessels and layers of muscle tissue, courtesy of open-wound prostheses and stocking accoutrements from Etsy's Meaghan O'Keefe. A pair of unpainted latex prostheses...

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DC & Marvel Comics Suits

$169.99 - $349.99 from Fun.com Suits »

Holy Marvel of Washington DC, Batman! They made a suit out of you! As teased in a preview a couple weeks ago, Fun.com is releasing a line of men's (funny / monkey?) business suits in tribute to your favorite superheroes...

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Rogue From X-Men Costume

Discontinued

It's The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants' most famous defector in living, non-Anna-Paquin form! This milliskin Rogue jumpsuit is made to order in your choice of kotobukiya with green details, classic with black details, and...

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The Darth Knight

$1,500 from Ebay »

You love Batman, but you're a loyal Star Wars fanboy. Halloween is coming up and you have a difficult decision to make. Can you betray Darth Vader for your new crush on the Dark Knight? Good news. You won't have to. Mash...

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Jet Turbine Powered Batmobile

Discontinued

If you thought the TRON Lightcycle was awesome (and expensive) prepare your senses for overload as they take in this Batmobile replica. It's street registered in the US, so if you dream of trying your hand at Batman-style...

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The Secret Lives of Superheroes Prints

$20 - $50 from Society 6 »

Greg-guillemin reigns supreme: Best Paparazzo Ever. I knew Wonder Woman's rack wasn't real. But I have to say, I definitely took it for silicone over Kleenex. Her tissue-molding skills are impressive. Superheros may pick...

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Pyro Mini Fireball Shooter

$147 from Ellusionist »

Shooting fireballs from your empty hands just got a sleeker, slyer, more compact upgrade. Ellusionist, by way of magician Adam Wilber, introduced the original Pyro open-palm fireball shooter around this time last year....

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Middle Earth Map Leggings

$12.99 from Amazon »

Control Middle-earth--and likely all male Elves, Wizards, Orcs, Dragons, Dwarves, Ents, and Hobbits--for under $100. You don't even have to enter into battle or acquire Rings of Power. Leave it to Black Milk Clothing...

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TigerLady Self-Defense Claw

$29 from TigerLady »

Remember that old Secret deodorant commercial? Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman? I'd put TigerLady in that same category. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman...to slash, gouge, and rip apart any...