Style

Brass Crocodile Clip

$59 Amazon »

Place your trust in the double-jointed jaw of the crocodile, and it will clamp down on your belt loop, your backpack strap, or your friend Cornelius' nose on a dare with an uncompromising 3,700 pounds per square inch...

Fleece Animal Headband Headlamps

$18.99 Amazon »

Bear, Deer, Fox, and Wolf light the way for your little one as they don one of these fleece animal headband headlamps from Sun Company. The WildLight Headband Headlamps for kids keep the heat in on cold nights with a...

Prank Dissolving Swim Shorts

$44.99 Amazon »

I mean, I think anyone who tried on these Prank Dissolving Swim Shorts - or even felt their "fabric" out of the box - would know your story about their being perfectly normal navy blue board shorts for the beach doesn't...

3D T-Rex Ugly Christmas Sweater

$68.95 - $71.95 Amazon »

If T-Rex can't high-five or do pushups, then you in a 3D T-Rex Ugly Christmas Sweater can't sit down or move freely without risk of taking out people's drinks and cheese plates...

Swarovski x Nike Air Force 1 Sneakers

Ladies, you might consider the Swarovski x Nike Air Force 1 Sneaker collaboration high fashion. The pinnacle of luxury in athletic footwear. Or you might consider their chaotic weave of rubber mesh panels embedded with...

Notch Sunglasses-Friendly Baseball Hats

$26 - $34 Notch »

Two notches on a baseball hat equals one notch on Notch's belt for ending the war between sunglasses and billed caps. Notch sunglasses-friendly hats have patented cutouts on either side of their bills that enable them...

Candy Nipple Tassels (NSFW)

$8.49 Amazon »

If I buy my wife some of these Candy Nipple Tassels, I wonder if she'll let me call her "Sugar tits." Hold on, let me ask. ... ... OK, so that's a confirmed no...

Finger Love Glove

$38.99 - $39.99 Amazon »

I'll take two fingers of whiskey and one finger up my ass, please. The Finger Love Glove - which I, for once, tamed down in name from Finger F*ck Glove - looks like toys fidget and sex have come together to help you and...

OOOptic Lenses - Magnetic Adhesive Myopia Lenses

$39.90 - $49.90 OOOptic »

Like NakeFit stick-on shoes for your feet, OOOptic Lenses add versatility and minimalism to your lifestyle courtesy of the bond between adhesives and substrates. Oh, and magnets. Can't forget the glorious properties of...

Pit Liquor - All-Natural Whiskey & Vodka Deodorant

$9.95 - $19.95 Pit Liquor »

I always knew whiskey and vodka made me feel good, but who knew they could make me smell good too? Pit Liquor is a line of deodorants - deodorant cocktails, if you will - that use overproof whiskey and vodka as their...

WorkRobe - Business on the Top, Comfort on the Bottom

$70 - $89 WorkRobe »

The WorkRobe is for working (from home) women who don't want to put on a stiff collared shirt or itchy sweater for one stupid Zoom call. Or, worse, to sit around stiff and itchy on video conferences all day long. Coined...

Ultra-Realistic Orangutan Costume

$7,980 Etsy »

The ultra-realistic Orangutan Costume looks like an outstanding choice for Halloween. Or, like, life, if you're craving something different. Because, as they say, in today's world, if you're tired of being a software...

Holographic Tracksuit

$87.90 Etsy »

My favorite thing about Reflective Clo's description of their Holographic Tracksuit is that one of the first things they call it "cozy." Like, nevermind that it's reflective to the point of being trippy, that it makes...

Laser Vortex Gloves

$125 - $270 Etsy »

I look at these Laser Vortex Gloves from Light Up Clothing Store, and just one thing comes to mind: Cartman's about to get an anal probe*...

GREATS Foster Closed Back Slipper

$119 GREATS »

GREATS has upgraded their Foster Slipper with a new closed-back version, presumably to compete with the likes of New Balance's CRVN MOCs and, my personal favorite ugly footwear that is so comfortable and versatile I'm...

Submerge Waterproof Wallet & Cardholder

$55 Amazon »

Whether it's in water, snow, sweat, or bulk wrestling Jello, the Submerge waterproof wallet and cardholder lets you do just that. Submerge. Without worrying your cash, cards, keys, and other small EDC will follow the...

SPLATZ Bursting Hand Soap Bubbles

$4.99 - $14.99 One Fun »

SPLATZ are burstable bubbles filled with soap, made for kids to squeeze, smack, and, in true onomatopoeic form, SPLATZ! their way to clean hands. The soap bubbles endeavor to make washing up and de-germifying more fun...

Gift Wrap My Face Personalized Gift Wrap

$18.99 - $24.99 Gift Wrap My Face »

With Gift Wrap My Face personalized gift wrap on the outside, there's really no need to give them anything but an empty box on the inside*. It's the same idea as The medium is the message: the present is the presentation...

Give Me An Inch - Real Inch Ruler Necklace

$9.99 - $22.49 Etsy »

Here we have a real inch ruler necklace, entitled Give Me An Inch. I think it is the perfect gift for a frenemy, or my Aunt Jan, that is both an interesting piece of jewelry, and a passive aggressive way of indicating...

Anthony Men's Glycolic Exfoliating & Resurfacing Wipes

$25 Amazon »

My appreciation for wipes has grown exponentially as I've gotten older. Now I'm mostly talking about the wipes used on the opposite end of the body as Anthony Glycolic Exfoliating & Resurfacing Wipes, but I've also developed...

Nose Warmers

$6.04 - $15.11 Etsy »

Although a bit strange, Krystyna Dulinska's nose warmers are also a bit adorable. Especially the ones she crochets into animals, such as tigers and koalas and, my favorite, the sheep. Two wood stick thumbs up for the...

Squid Game Masks

$6.99 - $18.58 Amazon »

Despite the bleak, dystopian vibe emanating from Squid Game's actual story and content, the costumes you can build from these Squid Game masks and either head-to-toe black, or a pink jumpsuit, make Netflix's Korean survival...

TEMPTU Airbrush Self-Tanning System

$239 Amazon »

TEMPTU tempts us into the mists of its airbrush self-tanning system with the promise that we'll "Look on vacation indefinitely!" Hmmm. If they could somehow change that "Look" to a "Be," I'd be all in. But I'm a little...

Dr. Tung's Smart Floss Cardamom Dental Floss

$4.99 Amazon »

Last month I did something I don't do very often, which is go to the dentist, and after bulldozing and bludgeoning my teeth and gums they gave me the obligatory "goodie bag" of a toothbrush, toothpaste, and dental floss...