Fools

Aladdin's Lamp E-Cigarette

$25.99 from Firebox.com »

Ha! An Aladdin's Lamp E-Cigarette! Some real family-friendly merch to launch in tandem with Disney's live-action rerelease. I wonder if the fresh and princely genie inside approves. And whether he's more partial to the...

Valyrian Steel Razors

$25.99 from Firebox.com »

Valyrian Steel Razors don't come with any replacement blades, and have none available to purchase. Because the blades attached to their respective iconic Game of Thrones weapon hilts never dull. And maybe also the cats...

Flat Earth Snow "Globe"

$26.99 from Firebox.com »

A giant blizzard snows down on this 100% accurate replica of how Earth looks from space, depicting both the rightness of flat earthers, and proving there's no such thing as global warming! So suck it, sheeple!...

Self Defense UFC Ears

Sold Out from Amazon »

Live in a sketchy neighborhood? Getting bullied at school? UFC Ears are a simple and cheap self defense tool for people concerned for their personal safety in any location or environment...

Headlight Fluid

$12.99 from Amazon »

Winter drivers are always thinking about ice scrapers and ice melt, iceScreens and anti-freeze, but no one ever remembers to stock up on headlight fluid. And what happens then, on those dark, snowy nights on the road...

Backcountry Bites - Outdoor Drone Meal Delivery Service

Backcountry Bites is a drone-based outdoor meal delivery service hitting the scene - be it the woods, the beach, or the middle of the desert - today. Don't want to weigh down your pack with freeze-dried beef stroganoff...

Jurassic World Dinosaur Detection System

$18.99 from ThinkGeek »

I'm not sure how it's taken this long to add a Dinosaur Detection System to the home safety product sphere, but muchas danke to ThinkGeek for realizing how dangerous and prehistoric its absence was. Their model is modeled...

The Harambed

It's called The Harambed. Lucid Mattress says it's the bed of your memes. And I know if you've been meming at all over the past year, you've been meming about Harambe, haven't you? Well put on your PJs and snuggle in...

Carbon Fiber Fanny Pack

Common Fibers knows carbon fiber. Common Fibers knows the 1980s. And one look at the The Coolest Fanny--aka The Manny Pack--aka The CF2--and you know Common Fibers. Knows. Men. I for one have never wanted anything so...

Swim Desk

$1,999.99 from ThinkGeek »

While great for your joints I'm not so sure how good the Swim Desk is going to be for your computer and mobile phone. Definitely recommend keeping a vat of rice on hand while work-stroking at it. And also maybe an EMT...

Lunar Genuine Moon Rock Watch

$27,500 from Analog Watch Co. »

Analog Watch Co.'s new Lunar Watch might be kinda pricey, but how many timepieces can say that they're made of a solid piece of genuine moon rock estimated to be older than: the human construct of time; humans themselves;...

Jeep Adventure Tires

If you thought nothing could beat off-roading on the weekends, imagine this: off-roading on-road during your weekly commutes and leisurely drives around the 'burbs. Jeep Germany's new Adventure Tires, on sale starting...

NavoPed Self-Walking Shoes

Want to pimp out your feet Google-style*? To avoid unpleasant collisions with other pedestrians, telephone poles, and public fountains that just came up out of frikkin' nowhere? To slap on your sneakers and never look...

Voltron Cat Condo

$189.99 from ThinkGeek »

Interlock? Dynotherms? Infracells? Mega thrusters? You won't be needing any of those for this Voltron. This 6-foot-tall, fleece-covered super robot isn't here to defend the universe, he's here to entertain and give your...

Game of Thrones Clue

Discontinued

Welp, it shouldn't be hard to find someone to play the murder victim in this rendition of my favorite board game. What will be hard about playing Game of Thrones Clue: uh, playing Game of Thrones Clue. It's like taking...

Power Glow Bioluminescent Energy Drink

Throw away the EL wire and chemical-laced makeup. If you want to look like a club kid, Doctor Manhattan, or a walking biohazard, come the end of 2015 all you'll have to do is gulp & glow. On top of injecting your blood...

Eye of Sauron Desk Lamp

$299.99 from ThinkGeek »

I'm getting this lamp and putting it on my desk with a Krispy Kreme donut or a piece of gooey butter cake in the spotlight's dead center. It will be the first time ever some a-hole doesn't steal my food at work. Because...

NERF Nuke

Discontinued

Though we've long since entered the nuclear age, NERF has always inexplicably resisted foamifying the most powerful bomb in the world into a play toy for children. That is, until now. Dribble your drool upon the NERF...

20-Pound Chocolate Lionel Richie Head

$833.19 from Firebox.com »

I didn't think there could be anything better than having a hot chick sculpt an enormous model of my head out of clay, but...Hello! Chocolate beats mud any day. Lionel Richie. You lucky bastard...

The Fuzzbuster II

I know most of you have heard of a radar detector*. Possibly you've used one before. Maybe you've even tried the original Fuzzbuster. But whether or not you're aware of how life (and wallet and license points) saving...

Infant Circumcision Trainer

Sold Out from Amazon »

Expecting parents who want to trim the fat from ever-rising hospital bills now have the option to save over $2,000 if they are willing to trim the skin from their newborn sons. Created by Ezra Messer, a mohel with more...

Dog Shelter BBQ Finder App

Are you having trouble finding the very best dog shelter BBQs in your area? Well sharpen your steak knife and bow-wow your head to say grace because the same people who brought you The Funloving Feminist's Bible have...

Boregasm Pills

Good thing yawns and O faces look about the same because, thanks to research being conducted by a handful of (presumably exhausted and horny) PhD students at Indiana University's The Kinsey Institute, they're about to...

The Baby Muzzle

$149.99 from Japan Trend Shop »

First we saw the Japanese Shouting Vase, an ABS resin stress-reliever that mutes the wails of angry or frustrated souls who need to unleash their fury without disturbing the peace. Now the brilliant minds of Japan--perhaps...