The Best White Elephant & Gag Gifts
A Secret Santa exchange at the office, a White Elephant party amongst friends, or a long overdue payback to your brother for sending you that Christmas card that played "Jingle Bells" for 3 hours straight. There plenty of reasons to buy funny, quirky, or borderline not very nice gifts for selected names on your list this year. Here are some of the best options I've found for you.
Note: Gifts are sorted by category and, within each category, listed by price from low to high. All items' prices are listed as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.
Gifts for the Lush
Wingman Shot Glass $9. A mini shotski and giant invitation for friends, lovers, and complete strangers to get trashed in tandem. The acrylic shot glass set pulls apart for cleaning, and each glass hold up to 2.75 ounces.
101 Places to Get F*cked Up Before You Die $12. F*cked up? I prefer to think of it as irreverently incapacitated. But that's just because I'm a pillar of class even when I'm challenging a Belgian vagabond to a Fireball shooting contest in a Buenos Aires bar, and then yelling Can you see the flames?! Can you see the fire of my balls?! as I pee in a perfect airborne arc while walking back to my hostel once I've gotten kicked out. But for travelers who can't hold their liquor and dignity (and tube steaks) like I can, sure. You're seeing the world and getting f*cked up. And now there's a book to help you--to help us all--do it.
Ice Luge $14 to $20. A guaranteed Life of the Party title goes to the one who both shows up with an Ice Luge and takes the most shots of Apple Pucker from its frozen river's mouth.
Hanskie Beer Koozie Glove $18. Need a sanity break from the party / kids / parents? Slip on a Hanskie before slipping outside and enjoy a cold beer with a warm hand and no worries of dropping the one thing that's making this whole night bearable.
Bracelet Flask $20. Holds 2-1/2 ounces of your favorite illicit beverage in its stainless steel ring. A spherical bauble at the top unscrews to grant access. The bracelet has an inner diameter of 2.4" and an outer diameter of 3.5". Wear a pair to up your style, diversify your booze selection, and make that dry wedding reception not such a waste of a Saturday night after all.
The Guzzle Buddy $22. Twist it on, pick it up, and go Guzzle Buddy glug, glug, glug, while avoiding messy pours, dripping bottles, and glasses knocked horizontal. This is fast, furious, spill-free wine consumption we're talking about. Well, as long as you don't let the Bordeaux dribble down your chin.
Phantom Skull Decanter $25. A truly spirited way to get drunk this season. Though I'm not sure the skull in this decanter is so much a phantom as it is a piece of glass blown inside a bottle. But no one has to tell the kids that when giving them warnings about what Skully McSkullface will do to their fingers if they meander too close to the Scotch.
Gifts for the Glutton
Pumpkin Spice Spray-On Spice $10. An all natural, all organic, all powerful essence of pumpkin spice canned and ready to mist on anything from your coffee to your French toast to your fingertips.
Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce $10. Not only is this item called Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce, but it's sold by a vendor named Professor Phardtpounders. How tacky and immature. I want some. Specifically, I want a concoction of Scotch bonnet peppers, mustard, modified food starch, salt, onions, water, vinegar, turmeric, sugar, and sodium benzoate to breathe uncomfortable, yet cleansing fire into my excretory system.
Pizza Scissors $14. Stainless steel blades snip smoothly through bodies of dough, cheese, and meat, and then catch the dismembered slice on a plastic spatula so you can serve it untouched, without a stringy cheese battle, and without risk of a toppings mudslide.
Sushi Bazooka $17. The Sushi Bazooka, in addition to be the raddest name for anything ever, was designed to ease the frustration and perpetual F'ing up of the at-home sushi making process. The washable 3-piece set includes an 11.6" tube that opens down the center for pressing down rice, and then topping with cucumbers, avocado, albacore, crab - whatever ingredients you want in your roll. Fold and secure the tube shut, and then use the bazooka pump to fire out a perfectly-shaped cylinder of Japanese-inspired decadence.
Canned Dragon Meat $23. Canned Dragon Meat arrives direct from the Sisters of Radiant Farms in Scotland. The basic can contains belly, brisket, butt, and pointy parts from newly butchered scaled beasts, though special orders of dragons that have been sword felled and preternaturally preserved in their tins for over a thousand years are available for those who demonstrate great merit and valor. And by that, the Sisters mean negotiations start at 1,000 British Pounds.
Disappointing Spoiler: Actual Canned Dragon Meat contents do not come from an actual dragon. Further, actual Canned Dragon Meat contents are not actually edible.
Tactical Bacon $24. Though they will likely end up on most buyers' desks or bookcases instead of their grub plates, the fully-cooked, ready-to-eat strips of marbled meat and fat found in cans of Tactical Bacon can really be used for camping, emergency rations kits, and distracting pit bulls and zombies on the offense.
Edible Dehydrated Zebra Tarantula $25. What's that you're eating? Antelope jerky? Pssshh! Amateur. Real men, men with balls as big as their 3 p.m. snack cravings, eat dehydrated zebra tarantulas. Straight from the can.
Chinese Takeout Box Cookie Jar $29. A gift best presented with day-old Kung Pao chicken inside.
Gifts That Are Cheap
Nunchuck Pens $4. Not only cheap, but innocuous. Cute 'n' clever. Fun for a boy or a girl. Inoffensive to all. Except maybe the notepad that's gonna get a whoopin'. Nunchuck Pens are two barrels filled with jet black ink are capped with medium-tip ballpoints, shrouded in stealthy black plastic, and connected by a metal chain.
Banana Slicer $6. The Banana Slicer is all-time classic, both for its futile existence, and for the sarcastic Amazon reviews that wax poetic about its futile existence. Who needs a Banana Slicer?!
Then again, who doesn't need a Banana Slicer?
Fake Wall Outlet Stickers $7. Just Basic Dave took one look at these Fake Wall Outlet Stickers and he knew: the next great prank of 2017 had arrived. Through his Twitter account Dave has posted videos of his fake outlet shenanigans at the airport, which is obviously the best - best! - place to fake out(let) charge seeker after charge seeker. All day long, and the whole night through.
Adult Achievement Stickers $9. Children receive stickers for achievements such as pooping in the pot, getting straight A's, and coming in last (but participating!) Why shouldn't adults get some comparable adhesive words of affirmation when they done good in their own grownup lives too? I mean, they're the ones paying for all the stickers anyway.
Adult Achievement Stickers acknowledge that "Adulting is hard," and give those who do it well (or just participate!) a little bit of deserved recognition. This set of 16 stick-on pats on the back contains 16 different adult accomplishments. No two stickers are alike. Because you're not like anyone else. You're special. How special? Well, you tell me: did you shave your legs, eat a salad, pay your bills on time, or not curse in front of the kids today?
Cubicle Warfare: 101 Office Traps and Pranks $9. John Austin wrote Cubicle Warfare because he is the dude who's always got your back. Whether the guy in the cube next door deserves it for stealing your powdered sugar Donettes, rumbling the phlegm around in his throat every 5 seconds, or just consistently showing up to the office on time and making you look bad, Austin's collection of desk-based offenses will show him the error of his ways. It will also give you almost 6 months' worth of material, so you'll probably never have to repeat a Cubicle Warfare prank until, like, the 32nd job you're fired from.
Note: While gifting Cubicle Warfare to an individual or the White Elephant pot will likely make you popular, it might also come back to bite you in the ass. Like, with a stapler or one of those shark-jaw binder clips.
World's Smallest Violin $12. OK, I don't know if this particular miniature violin is truly the World's Smallest, but at 3" long, it's definitely small enough to whip out of a drawer or pick up off the desktop and bow a few times to get the point across.
Gifts that Make You Go Hmmmm
Logical Fallacies Poster $10 to $20. Finally, ladies! A gift for every man you know. And finally, dudes! A gift for every woman you know. Teachers, a wall-mountable token for your students. Constituents, a mailing-tube-shippable reminder for your politicians. The only one here who doesn't need a poster to tell them if their arguments are disjointed, irrational, nonsensical, and outside the laws of logic is the AI in the copy room who's about 4 posts away from taking over my job.
Created by Jesse Richardson, Andy Smith, Som Meaden, and Flip Creative, the Logical Fallacies Poster provides concise explanations of 24 different tactics people use to try to win arguments or prove their point. The tactics can make their presentation of information sound smooth, authoritative, and "good." But as logical fallacies, or patterns of reasoning that fall apart and are rendered invalid when dissected (or expanded upon), those spewing them are really just feeding their audience a big ol' pile of BS. Sometimes knowingly, sometimes not.
Ninja Hand Claw Climbing Spikes $10. Perfect for the aspiring ninja or make believe superhero, these will have you scaling trees in your backyard in no time. Made from pure black stainless steel. Just be careful you don't hurt yourself. Being a ninja is a tough gig.
Questions for Terrible People $10. A group to which I'm 90% sure I belong. Questions contains 250 What If?s, Would you Rather?s, and What Would You Do?s. The book will be a psychological feast for me on the long ass flight I have to take to Atlanta next week. It could also be a handy tool for filling in the awkward silences during the obligatory conversation portion of Tinder dates, as well as the entirety of Christmas dinner with the extended family.
Rocket Air Blaster $12. Oh man, this thing looks just like...something you might stick in...the crevices of...your keyboard to get all the dust and loose gunk out of it! Actually, it's a cleaning tool for cameras, lenses, filters, PCBs, and iFixit projects too. The Rocket Air Blaster comes very highly recommended as an alternative to blowing on them.
PongTu Disposable Sticker Toilet Plunger $13. Straight outta Korea, the PongTu is a low-density polyethylene adhesive that somehow manages to create an airtight seal from the outside as it sucks, sucks, sucks your clog, and then sends your t.p. and t.poo down the pipes from the inside. And when the PongTu completes its mission? Rip it back off, and dispose of the sheet in the trash. This is strange. Teaching your cat to go in the toilet strange. Shit Gold Pills strange.
Doody Head Poo Flinging Game $18. Box Contents: 2 Hats; 3 Doodies. In life we sling mud and we talk shit and also many animals with opposable thumbs literally throw their excrement, so...uh...it's only logical that someone created a party game wherein players wear Velcro caps and and chuck piles of poo at each other dodgeball style?
Gifts That Might Get You Punched or Slapped (If They Find Out Who It's From)
Color My Boobs! Adult Coloring Book $10. Ugh, I am so sick of writing about boobs. Haha...sike! Particularly when the boobs come in so many exhilarating shapes and sizes and the color blue! Blue boobs! OK, well, the color's up to the coloring book's owner, but blue would be my #1 choice. Mmmm, Neytiri from Avatar....
Embarrassing Box Prank Mailer $11. D*ck in a Box is back! Just in time to dil-dole out some good times at the office and Aunt Jan's front door. Like many popular send-it-anonymously pranks, maker Witty Yeti will take a sworn oath to mail your desired recipient a BigAssDildos.com tube without ever revealing who shipped it to them.
Up Yours Mug $12. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Orrrr...go the passive aggressive route and leave this Up Yours mug on your co-worker's desk when he and the rest of your team are in a meeting and you're sure no one else will see that it's you who put it there.
The Moon Ring $19. I feel like this prank's tagline should be: "Give her The Moon and she'll show you the stars." Because the romantic, thoughtful, expensive ring is really just a cheap ring box with a mooning, farting ass inside.
My Shiney Hiney Brush Set $20. Well. I wouldn't argue it doesn't need a good shining.