Dude's Top 10 Picks for Animal Reincarnation
Dying kind of sucks, but sooner or later, we all go through it. And rather than dwell on where we are or aren't going when the reaper (or Looper) calls our name, we at Dude prefer to think about what we're coming back as. Because when we leave this cruel earth, hell yeah our tantamount goal is gonna be figuring out how to get back and do it all over. But maybe this time as a furry friend. Or beast of the jungle. Or creature of the night.
Thumbs up to reincarnation, and paws, claws, fins, and feathers up to reincarnation as one of the following sick residents of Mother Nature's menagerie.
10. Ape. Particularly if the world would fall for me as hard as they did this baby gorilla from the Melbourne Zoo, which achieved viral Internet fame for having facial expressions. Imagine if all you had to do to go viral was make an "O" face.
9. Pygmy Marmoset. If I were one of these finger-sized dwarf monkeys, I'm pretty sure all girls would love me. Unconditionally. Even if I crawled down their shirt or peed on them. And, true, with a brain and...other organs...the size of a sloughed-off skin cell I might not be able to fully appreciate that love, but from where I sit now, I believe wholeheartedly it would still be worth it. Pygmy marmosets live in the rainforests of western Brazil, southeastern Colombia, eastern Ecuador, eastern Peru, and northern Bolivia. I've included two photos of them in hopes that it will score my human form some Lady Love Points.
8. Cthulhu. I'd pick Cthulhu over Kraken, for sure, because face tentacles are way creepier than arm tentacles. They also keep you warm on the ski slopes.
7. Golden Retriever. These dogs are dumb and beautiful like swimsuit models, but also ridiculously confident and happy like...no human being on the planet, really. Maybe Kanye West. Also, not only do they not have eating disorders, they blissfully, without second thought, scarf down anything resembling food that crosses their path. And they are so easily entertained.
6. Bear. Any bear. Bears are rad. Simultaneously lovable and vicious. Crafty. Playful. Valiant. Hungry. Able to say, "I take no shit from no one," and mean it. I would come back to this world as any bear in it. Oh, except a panda. As the incomparable Jim Jefferies says, "Fuck pandas."
5. Yeti Crab. Just want to make sure we get some crustacean representation here. The fact that this one incorporates an ominous mythological beast who stalks the Himalayas by way of lush arrangements of silky blond setae running up and down its pereiopods makes it all the more deserving of inclusion. The Yeti crab's official name, by the way is kiwa hirsuta, and it was discovered in 2005 in the South Pacific Ocean. I wonder if it would like to live in a house like this.
4. Axolotl. It's a Mexican salamander! Who looks like he's from Fraggle Rock! Or maybe Sesame Street, since they're really into diversifying their characters. I wonder if he knows Maria. I wonder if I came back as this aquatic and gilled member of the Tiger Salamander complex if I could still toke out with the Cookie Monster. What I'm sure I could do is regenerate most of my body parts, which would, on the down side, make me an ideal tool for scientific research, but on the upshot, a fun pet for the peoples of America, Great Britain, Australia, and Japan. Where they would call me a Wooper Rooper.
3. Blobfish. Reincarnation as a blobfish wouldn't be by choice, of course, but I accept that returning as this hideous pile of flab that skulks along the deep waters off the coasts of Australia and Tasmania might be my karma. You know, balancing the scales for my being so enviously handsome and sauve in this life. Blobfish live at ocean depths so pressurized that their survival depends on their composition as an essentially entirely gelatinous mass that bears a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hutt. That is, their density measures just slightly less than water so they are able to float above the sea floor without exerting energy on swimming. They eat anything that happens to float into their mouths. Man, karma's a bitch. I don't even think Sex Panther Cologne could get me laid as one of these things. Better enjoy my sweet life of swagger while I still got it.
2. Blue Dragon. One of the world's rarest mollusks, this guy can be described as nothing short of brilliant. Preciously tiny, intricately designed, blue like my favorite flavor of Kool-Aid, I would be more than down with re-entering the living world as a 3 cm glaucus atlanticus. I wonder if they can eat Taco Bell....
1. Double Muscled Belgian Blue Bull. I don't know why, but I F'in love these things. Actually, I do know why. Here's why: The double-muscled Belgian blue bull has a genetic mutation which blocks the production of myostatin, a protein all animals (including humans) have that inhibits muscle growth. So his basically grow unchecked, and when he eats a breaded and deep-fried pepperoni pizza wrapped in bacon, his body converts the calories to muscle, instead of storing them as fat rolls. If I were this bull, I wouldn't only be strong like a bull, I'd be strong like a bull on completely natural and safe steroids. I'd be the superhero of bulls. And I could eat Taco Bell all day long and only get stronger. It would be as if Taco Bell were actually real food!
Blue bull research is underway for a safe way to block myostatin production in humans--for use in treating muscular degenerative diseases, such as muscular dystrophy. Of course once successful, these blockers are sure to translate to the gene doping industry, as myostatin inhibitors would "naturally" allow athletes' bodies to increase significantly in muscle mass, strength, and performance. Kind of like the AdrenaSuit, but without the stellar costume.