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MeatSweats Relaxation Pants

By: on January 10, 2017

MeatSweats want to help you kick back, relax, and show the world how proud you are of the 32-ounce porterhouse you demolished all by yourself. Their 100% polyester construction would also be happy to wick away the dew forming at the top of your intergluteal cleft* as your body gets all hot and bothered trying to digest 2 pounds of meat.

According to maker MeatSweats Clothing, Meatsweats are "relaxation pants that let everyone know what you got yourself into." I'm wearing a pair as I write this, and can personally attest that MeatSweats are relaxing and, with their sky blue background crammed with T-bones, drumsticks, ham hocks, and strands of sausage in varying shades of red, are keeping my dietary choices a secret from no one.

MeatSweats have a flat-front, 2-pocket design with elastic waistband and drawstring. Legs are tapered and also cuffed with elastic. They arrive wrapped in butcher paper tied with twine, all charming and ready to present to your Valentine alongside a bouquet of beef jerky roses.

*AKA "butt crack."