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Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Lock

By: on May 17, 2012
Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Lock
$6.64
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Three things. One: I subscribe to the unwavering dogma that ice cream is mankind's greatest culinary invention. Two: I don't share food. Three: Avengers and iProducts be damned. Ben & Jerry's pint lock is the most anticipated, innovative, and bomb diggity release of 2012.

Now the inscription to the right of the lock's 3-digit combination reads, "I'm terribly sorry, but there is no 'u' in 'my pint'." And while I agree with that last part, I'll probably have to scratch off the first part when mine arrives because I won't be terribly sorry at all. When I pay $8 for 1,800 calories of sugar and cow discharge I have no problem being brutally honest about the fact that it's all mine.

The ice cream lock's one potentially catastrophic side effect comes into play when drunk or stoned me starts jonesing for some Wavy Gravy and cannot remember the combination sober me chose when locking the pint. This will lead to attempted ice cream acquisition by way of scissors, Bottle Poppin' Butterfly Knife, or Wolverine Hand Claw Dagger. Which will lead to a trip to the ER, and end results of: possible appendage loss; a thousand dollars in medical bills; and no ice cream after all. How depressing.

...

Great.

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All I want to do now is crawl into bed with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and watch Old Yeller.