185

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Lock

By: on May 17, 2012
$35.95
Check It Out

Three things. One: I subscribe to the unwavering dogma that ice cream is mankind's greatest culinary invention. Two: I don't share food. Three: Avengers and iProducts be damned. Ben & Jerry's pint lock is the most anticipated, innovative, and bomb diggity release of 2012.

Now the inscription to the right of the lock's 3-digit combination reads, "I'm terribly sorry, but there is no 'u' in 'my pint'." And while I agree with that last part, I'll probably have to scratch off the first part when mine arrives because I won't be terribly sorry at all. When I pay $8 for 1,800 calories of sugar and cow discharge I have no problem being brutally honest about the fact that it's all mine.

The ice cream lock's one potentially catastrophic side effect comes into play when drunk or stoned me starts jonesing for some Wavy Gravy and cannot remember the combination sober me chose when locking the pint. This will lead to attempted ice cream acquisition by way of scissors, Bottle Poppin' Butterfly Knife, or Wolverine Hand Claw Dagger. Which will lead to a trip to the ER, and end results of: possible appendage loss; a thousand dollars in medical bills; and no ice cream after all. How depressing.

...

Great.

...

All I want to do now is crawl into bed with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and watch Old Yeller.

Buy Now

The Killer Key

$12 from Amazon »

The Killer Key is for law enforcement officials, landlords with squatters or evicted tenants, and pranksters who thrive on taking things one step too far. See, the key blade inserts into any Kwikset or Schlage brand lock...

Check it out

SALT Self-Defense Gun

$299.99 - $349.99 from Salt Supply »

Lorenzo Maggiore already figured out how to A-Salt bugs in an effort keep our extermination of insects simple, clean, and green. Now we have a means of SALTing humans, this time in an effort to keep our defense against...

Buy Now

NFC Programmable Smart Ring

$59.99 from Amazon »

At this point you could put a different type of smart ring on every one of your fingers if you wanted. The NFC Ring is a programmable piece of smart jewelry you can wave around powerful wizard- or dismissive CEO-style...

Check it out

PEPPERALARM - Automatic Pepper Spray Anti-Theft Device

$298 from PEPPERALARM »

The PEPPERALARM is a burglar alarm system that sets out to be a little more...proactive, shall we say? Its creators call it "The Robber Stopper!" and while they don't include any testimonials from robbers the PEPPERALARM...

Check it out

TIHK - Tiny Inconspicuous Handcuff Key

$12.99 - $36.99 from TIHK »

The Tiny Inconspicuous Handcuff Key is intended for use by trained law enforcement, military, and security professionals only. However, TIHK will sell a pair of them to anyone with a credit card and $13. Because that...

Check it out

Aire Self-Flying Robotic Home Assistant

$699 - $749 from Aevena Robotics »

Aire's approach, a robotic home assistant that flies autonomously, is verrrry interesting. Especially considering my first order of business when I catch something flying autonomously around my condo is to swat or Bug-A-Salt...

Buy Now

The Lock Locker Bump-Proof Deadbolt Door Lock

$18.65 from Amazon »

Yes, we've entered the age of the Lock Locker. A time when your door locks need their own lock. And just as the Add-A-Lock locks up your knob lock, the Lock Locker puts another layer of lockdown on your deadbolt. The...

Check it out

Defender Anti-Theft Backpack

By: Quirky »

Due to my hulking presence and penetrating stare, people usually know better than to try and steal...or touch...or come within 10 feet of my stuff. But I'll grant that theft, and pickpocketing in particular, is a worldwide...

Check it out

Gentleman's Bogotas - Lapel Lockpicks

$34.95 from Rift Recon »

Bogotas fit for a gentleman. Lockpicks that pin and tuck all suave and covert beneath the lapel of my jacket. Now this is something I need...for no reason whatsoever. But I'm not here to talk about what I need. Add Gentleman's...

Check it out

Tactical Walls Inserts & Concealment Covers

$120 - $490 from Tactical Walls »

Although the word "tactical" has become as overused as the word "awesome", Tactical Walls reminds us there are still times when it can be applied meaningfully and justifiably. And also awesomely. Tactical Walls are inserts...

Check it out

The Run Lock

$44.99 from The Run Lock »

When I run...ha! This entry is already full of lies. The last time I ran I think I was 8 and the ice cream truck was about to get away before I ordered my pink sherbet foot with the gumball toenail! So let me start again....

Check it out

Knight XV Fully Armored SUV

Conquest purports to marry "ultra-luxurious" with "fully-armored" in its forthcoming handcrafted SUV, the Knight XV. Historically, this type of marriage has not ended well (see: the reigns of Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette;...