Dapper Celebrity Soldier Prints

By: on January 23, 2013
$24.95 - $55.95
Check It Out

Obviously the only one of these celebrities who really sat for his French Republican Guard...or whatever...portrait in the 19th century is Chuck Norris because he's immortal and easily over 200 years old. The rest are fakes, Photoshopped--or replacefaced--in. Napoleon himself commanded the crafting of Norris' painting, though. The truth has been buried in the annals of history, but if you believe the rumors, which I do, Napoleon and Norris were a team. And the former was the mere figurehead half of it. Chuck felt bad for Nap on account of his being a midget and all--plus the little guy and his temper reminded Chuck of his childhood buddy Rumpelstiltskin--so he stayed in the shadows strategizing France's world domination and calling the shots while Napoleon enjoyed the spoils of pseudo-power and fame. Another interesting tidbit: though widely believed to have bit it due to stomach cancer, Napoleon actually died of a crushed skull one night when he and Chuck got drunk at Longwood House. Chuck made a few off-color cracks about his carnal knowledge of Josephine, and Napoleon made the mistake of trying to retaliate by head butting him in the stomach.

So anyway, the rest of these replaceface prints of celebrities posing as dapper soldiers are total fakes, but I still might buy the one of Bruce Lee because it reminds me of Asian fusion, which reminds me of this duck confit sushi roll I had one time, the name of which I can hardly even type without slobbering all over my keyboard. I could also probably win points from my mama by giving her the Hugh Jackman portrait, and points from just about any lady on the street by giving her the right epaulette and half-draped cape of F'ing Leonardo DiCaprio.

Celebrity replaceface posters print on matte white, 100% cotton rag, and have a 1" border for framing. Sizes range from Mini (8" x 9"; $24.95) to X-Large (28" x 32"; $55.95). The portraits are also available as stretched canvases, iPhone/iPod cases and skins, and--oooh--throw pillows. Now that changes everything. How distinguished my Backpack Sofa will look with General Bill Murray lounging against one arm and Colonel The Rock against the other.

If you think celebrities being soliders is pretty sweet, check out these patriots being badasses.

Buy Now

True Mirror - How Others See You

$200 from Amazon »

The True Mirror idea is simple (and old; it was first patented in 1887): place two mirrors at right angles and have a look-see. Its effect, though, elicits the complexities of realization spanning everything from Whoa!...

Buy Now

Other People's Face Masks

$9.99 - $11.94 from Amazon »

Get all 4 of Faux Real's Face (of Someone Else) Masks to swap out throughout the night at this year's Halloween party and kill it as Arya Stark or Jaqen H'gar, or maybe just a generic Faceless Man....

Check it out

Mesmerizing Animated GIF Portrait

I don't know how they did this or where you can have one of your own done, but it's pretty darn sweet. Something about it makes me want to stare at it longer than I should. I'm obsessed with its awesomeness. Is it just...

Buy Now

Madballs Foam Balls

$10.90 - $13.90 from Amazon »

Weeee! Madballs are back. Just in time for Halloween and the 867th time this year I've wished so hard I could go back to the simpler days of my childhood in the 80s....

Buy Now

Face Mask Drink Coasters

$17 from Amazon »

Paladone's Face Mask Drink Coasters are a party multi-tool. Use them old school, to hold your sweaty drink so you don't f*ck up the table. Use them new school, as a frisbee projectile to pelt your friend Cornelius, or...

Check it out

Who Tall Are You? Mirror


On the one hand, we look at people like Robert DeNiro and Johnny Depp and envy their posh celebrity lives. But on the other, we look at the Who Tall Are You? Mirror and wonder how the H-E double hockey sticks they get...

Check it out

Your Face Mask

$299 from That's My Face »

Your face. Your buddy's face. Your mom's face. Angelina Jolie's face. ThatsMyFace.com can make any of them for your creeptastic wearing pleasure. They can also make them for your creeptastic wall-mounting or refrigerator-magneting...

Buy Now

Japanese Tongue Exerciser

Sold Out from Amazon »

The most endearing part about the Kuwaete Sukkiri Tongue Exerciser marketing campaign is that it claims the silicone (and grapefruit scented!) apparatus is intended to "help improve your face line and those flabby, sagging...

Check it out

Victorian Star Wars Portraits

$499 from Kult »

The Star Wars boys give a pretty decent representation of Victorian times, huh? Jabba the Hutt almost looks dapper. Or at least less like the massive wart my friend Cornelius grew on the inside of his arm when he went...

Check it out

Cartoon Portrait of You

$5 - $95 from Fiverr »

For as little as $5, Uruguayan artist Eliana Fernandez will send you a glimpse of yourself inside some of TV's most popular animated series. Kick off the return of The Simpsons and Family Guy, or bid farewell to Futurama...

Buy Now

Army Man Bottle Opener

$5.49 from Amazon »

Happy Cheap Gift for Dad Thursday! Now when's Father's Day again? Not 'til June. Huh. Maybe Pops would like an Army Man Bottle Opener from the Easter Bunny....

Check it out

Your Face on an Animal Cookie

You've had your face on a stamp. On a superhero action figure. Even on a super creepy mask worn by someone who is not you. But I think the best place of all for your face...uh, next to your head...is on an animal cooki