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Charlie Brown Christmas Tree

By: on December 03, 2015
$14.74
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They say this Charlie Brown Christmas Tree is a nice reminder that the holidays are all about love, but I say it's an even nicer way to eliminate the time, hassle, and mess it takes to buy and put up a real tree. What a pain in Santa's fat gut that is. Hmmm, 8' noble fir hauled home on the roof of my car or 24" erection of wire and plastic delivered in the mail? Spending 4 hours unloading a tree, screwing it into a base, and decorating it, or spending 5 minutes unbending, inserting, and slapping on a lone red globe? Needles everywhere or needles nowhere? It's not a hard choice for me. Sure, the smell of a real evergreen is nice, but it's 2015. They have that in a bottle now.

Plus, Charlie Brown's tree comes with a Linus blanket.

Plus, I won't be killing a real tree like all of you other ax murderers out there.

The Peanuts special Christmas Tree is available in 14" and 24" sizes, with some assembly required to attach its meager limbs to the criss-cross wood base.

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Life-Size Exorcist Regan Doll

$3,995 from Etsy »

The only thing worse than a Monday is clicking on a link that brings you to a life-size replica doll of possessed Regan from The Exorcist. It just happened to me, and since misery loves company, here you go, dudes. I'm...

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Wobbling Willy - Your Face on a Dildo (NSFW)

Dudes, check out the Wobbling Willy's practical application for all those selfies you've been taking. Your face on a dildo. A way, way sexier (and more functional!) gift for your girlfriend than that framed dick pic you...

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Madballs Foam Balls

$10.90 - $13.90 from Amazon »

Weeee! Madballs are back. Just in time for Halloween and the 867th time this year I've wished so hard I could go back to the simpler days of my childhood in the 80s....

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Kobayashi Mug

Sold Out from Amazon »

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that...he's gone....

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Greenworks 145 MPH Cordless Leaf Blower

$250.94 from Amazon »

Raking leaves blows. So you blow harder with Greenworks' 145MPH Pro 80V Li-Ion MAX leaf blower, a cordless cleanup tool whose brushless motor and turbo button can stir up and knock around yard debris 580 CFM at 145 MPH....

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The Illuminator - Instant Light Projector

$39.99 - $49.99 from Amazon »

Thousands of decorative lights from the palm of my hand to the branches of my trees, or spans of my walls in minutes. Minutes. Without the hassle of knotted wires. Without the danger of ladders. Without the frustration...

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Breaking Bad RV Incense Burner

$29.99 from ThinkGeek »

Ah, the Breaking Bad RV Incense Burner. [Cue nostalgia.] Reminds me just how much I miss the Krystal Ship. I can't believe it's been 4 years since Heisenberg & Pinkman cooked their last batch. I hope things turn out better...

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The Emojibator (NSFW)

$29 from Emojibator »

"If you can't find a date, emojibate." Some of you will chuckle and others will cringe, but Emojibator creator Jaime Jandler feels all she did was bring an obvious joke to life. And good for her. A little elbow grease...

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Whiskey River Sarcastic Soaps

$8.95 from Whiskey River »

Whiskey River Soaps are like modern-day Shakespearean comedies. Insightful in reading people. Precise in their social commentary. Charming and funny. And, to complement our 21st century needs, not tl;dr, and serving more...

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A Die Hard Christmas

$15.29 from Amazon »

Yippee Ki Yay! A Die Hard Christmas: The Illustrated Holiday Classic is going to be on every kid's man's gift list this year. (Kids probably won't want it. They'll think the John McClane brand of killing and violence...

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Time: Man of the Year Mirror

$28.99 from Amazon »

Are you a Lebowski achiever? This Time: Man of the Year Mirror is a Dude-approved addition to your bar, bedroom, or office wall. It will give you a little boost when you're down, and a little motivation before your big...

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Flexing Arnold Rear Window Wiper Decal

$29.99 from House of Grafix »

It may take the sun to bring your guns out, but Schwarzenegger's here to flex his bad boys come dumping rain, sideways sleet, or blizzard of snow. Courtesy of House of Grafix, you can plaster Arnold in His Prime across...