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Charlie Brown Christmas Tree

By: on December 03, 2015
$13.99
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They say this Charlie Brown Christmas Tree is a nice reminder that the holidays are all about love, but I say it's an even nicer way to eliminate the time, hassle, and mess it takes to buy and put up a real tree. What a pain in Santa's fat gut that is. Hmmm, 8' noble fir hauled home on the roof of my car or 24" erection of wire and plastic delivered in the mail? Spending 4 hours unloading a tree, screwing it into a base, and decorating it, or spending 5 minutes unbending, inserting, and slapping on a lone red globe? Needles everywhere or needles nowhere? It's not a hard choice for me. Sure, the smell of a real evergreen is nice, but it's 2015. They have that in a bottle now.

Plus, Charlie Brown's tree comes with a Linus blanket.

Plus, I won't be killing a real tree like all of you other ax murderers out there.

The Peanuts special Christmas Tree is available in 14" and 24" sizes, with some assembly required to attach its meager limbs to the criss-cross wood base.

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KFC Internet Escape Pod

$10k from KFC Ltd. »

KFC says their Internet Escape Pod, featuring a fried chicken drumstick door handle and Stretch Armstrong Colonel Sanders passed out drunk and slung over the top, is meant to help you hide from the barrage of Cyber Monday...

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Wobbling Willy - Your Face on a Dildo (NSFW)

Dudes, check out the Wobbling Willy's practical application for all those selfies you've been taking. Your face on a dildo. A way, way sexier (and more functional!) gift for your girlfriend than that framed dick pic you...

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Deadpool Christmas Tree Ornaments

$30.19 from Amazon »

These Deadpool Christmas tree ornaments will look right at home dangling alongside the Bob Ross Funko Pop figure classing up my mantle. 'Tis the season for happy little trees and Deadpool 2 trailers....

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Frosty the Eunuch Ugly Christmas Sweater

$65 from Amazon »

Ugly Christmas Sweater season is here. The days, they have shortened. The temperatures, they have dropped. And the Tipsy Elves, they have knitted. The tacky, silly, funny, and dirty entries in their 2017 sweater line...

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Feisty Pets Santa Bear

$28.93 from Amazon »

Remember Feisty Pets? The sweet-to-snarling stuffed animals are celebrating the holiday season with a Feisty Santa Bear, the ultimate cuddly teddy who can turn vicious grizzly in the blink of an eye. Or, more accurately...

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The Dude Abides Ugly Christmas Sweater

$49.99 from Amazon »

While I appreciate the idea of this Dude Abides Ugly Christmas Sweater, I think it missed its chance of truly abiding by not making the background a Persian rug motif. Bowling balls and pins are nice and Lebowski affiliated...

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Kobayashi Mug

Sold Out from Amazon »

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that...he's gone....

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Life-Size Exorcist Regan Doll

$3,995 from Etsy »

The only thing worse than a Monday is clicking on a link that brings you to a life-size replica doll of possessed Regan from The Exorcist. It just happened to me, and since misery loves company, here you go, dudes. I'm...

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The Christmas Car Tree

$74.99 from Amazon »

If your wife won't let you Clark Griswald it up with a 20' Christmas tree in the house, take your desire to overdo it exuberant holiday spirit on the road with a Christmas Car Tree. The rooftop tannenbaum gives your car...

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Stranger Things Eleven Bleeding Nose Candle

$39.69 from Firebox.com »

This is an Eleven Bleeding Nose Candle. If you've seen stranger things - say, Taxidermy Animal Drones or Edible Anus Chocolates - it probably won't bother you. And if you've seen Stranger Things, you'll probably love it....

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Stranger Fillings: A Parody Cookbook

$13.52 from Amazon »

Stranger Fillings: A Parody Cookbook continues the cookbook trend started by recipe collections like Baking Bad and The Snacking Dead. Released during the lead-up to Stranger Things' second season, the spoof provides...

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The Illuminator - Instant Light Projector

$39.99 - $49.99 from Amazon »

Thousands of decorative lights from the palm of my hand to the branches of my trees, or spans of my walls in minutes. Minutes. Without the hassle of knotted wires. Without the danger of ladders. Without the frustration...