Halloween Gear Guide
Oh boy, it's time to start shelling out your hard-earned cash for a hard-earned night of reckless abandon, mad debauchery, mass sugar and alcohol consumption, and sitting front and center at the Parade of Hot Slutty Girl Costumes. Halloween. Is coming. Muahahahaha!
In the spirit of our favorite shenanigan-filled freak fest, here are a few suggestions of items to add to your cache of Halloween gear as it pertains to: Costumes; Decor; Tricks; and Treats.
White Walker Mask ($995). CFX's intricate homage to the Game of Thrones mythical creature is truly awe-inspiring. Then again, so is its price tag. Best for the Heidi Klums of the world, who are both really, really into Halloween and incredibly rich.
Muscle Suits ($735 - $3,500). The body builders at Flex Design Costumes might be the only body builders on earth who can guarantee they'll jack up, carve out, and rip your muscles to shreds with absolutely no effort on your part beyond telling them what you want to look like.
Adult Star Wars Onesies ($50 - $65). Be comfortably chic on Halloween, and just F'ing awesome the other 364 days of the year. Available in Boba Fett, Stormtrooper, R2-D2, Vader, and Chewbacca.
AT-AT Dog Costume ($18). Because dogs adore feeling uncomfortable and humiliated.
Giant Inflatable Penis Costume ($46). Not for yourself. To give to someone else.
For additional ideas, you can also check out our previous selections of the Top 10 Halloween Costumes.
Illuminator Light Projector ($129). Instantly LED your tree or front entryway. The palm-sized device can splay dots in green, blue, or red over 25' x 25' areas with the flick of a switch.
Zombie Lawn Flamingo ($12). Decorate for Halloween, class up the front yard. A universal Winner, winner, undead fleshless exotic pink bird dinner!
Fogger Bubble Machine ($165). This machine makes fat bubbles. They're filled with toil and trouble. Or maybe just fog.
Sarlacc Toilet Decals ($25). The sarlacc of Star Wars lore has eaten many men with the misfortune of tumbling into its Great Pit of Carkoon. And while some have escaped, and others possibly deserved to die, I think the plant is getting adequate payback here. Relegated to the john. Tasked with spending the rest of its days eating not men, but men's piss and turds.
Glow-in-the-Dark Spit Balls ($5). How many things are there not to like about spit balls that glow in the dark, cost $5, grow to 200 times their starting size when soaked in water...or, you know, spit...and explode upon target impact?
Peeping Creeper Prank Prop ($52). Does it get any better than scaring the Pringles and PBR out of my friend Cornelius by hanging up a fake creeper in a hoodie staring into his living room window at night? Not really.
The Eviltron ($33). Combining the ethos that nothing is scarier than one's own imagination with the ethos that creeping someone out to the cusp of a complete mental breakdown is great fun, we have...The Eviltron. That strange scratching sound coming from your (allegedly electronic) mouse? The single, gasping last breath released at random intervals? The barely audible, yet markedly sinister child's laugh? You hear it. You know you hear it. It's disturbing. It's F'ing messed up. And it's right...where?! Where is it coming from?!
Japanese Kit Kat Bars (prices vary). Far East doctorings of our four-fingered, choco-dipped biscuits come in a dozen plus ludicrous colors and flavors, such as Sweet Purple Potato, Shinshu Apple, and Pumpkin Pudding. And for the entitled little punk trick-or-treaters: Wasabi Chocolate. Oh, is that kinda spicy, buddy? Here, wash it down with one of these Ghost Pepper Candy Balls ($9.99).
Doomed Skull Shot Glass ($5). Adopting its name from Mayan lore, the Doomed Skull Shot Glass is here to help you ring in the Halloween 2014. It won't ward off zombies or demons or children begging for candy that's going to make them even more annoying than they were before, but it will get you so wasted those things won't seem like such a big deal after all.
26-Pound Gummy Python ($150). Hey, this one can double as a treat and a costume. Beware of a load increase as the night progresses, though. Twenty-six pounds to start, 600 to 1,000 pounds once you start accruing kids and fat chicks hanging off you by their teeth.
Nomskulls Cupcake Molds ($10). Skull-shaped silicone cupcake molds begging to be baked with rich devil's food and topped with sugary pink brain matter.
Not Halloween-ed out yet? We've got hours more of loot for you here, in Dude's Halloween Gift Guide.