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Your Face on an Animal Cookie

By: on July 12, 2015

You've had your face on a stamp. On a superhero action figure. Even on a super creepy mask worn by someone who is not you. But I think the best place of all for your face...uh, next to your head...is on an animal cookie. Not only is this medium edible, delicious, and addicting, but the philosophical discussions crunching on these custom cookies while high could generate about stuffing your face...with your face would probably result in life-changing enlightenment.

Parker's Crazy Cookies handles the transformation of flour, sugar, and non-hydrogenated palm oil into a low-sugar, low-fat, palm-sized version of you. Cookies are "printable" as people, pets, or logos/objects and typically sold in quantity, ranging in price from $0.85 to $5.99 apiece. To give you a sense of what a batch of Crazy Cookies will run you, a single face on a minimum bulk (not gift-bagged) purchase of 150 cookies was $127.50 at printing. Add that to a $25 design charge per unique face/object, and you have just over $150 in heads ready to be bitten off.

Parker's recommends Crazy Cookies for special events ranging from weddings and graduations to retirements and births. My favorite application is the photo of the elderly couple passing out "Eat Me" version of themselves for their 50th anniversary.

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True Mirror - How Others See You

$200 from Amazon »

The True Mirror idea is simple (and old; it was first patented in 1887): place two mirrors at right angles and have a look-see. Its effect, though, elicits the complexities of realization spanning everything from Whoa!...

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F-Cup Cookies

F-Cup Cookies sound like they would be a joke, and they probably are, but for all women with concave chesticular regions and, more importantly, for all the men who have to fondle them, I sure as 2 seconds of motorboating...

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Milk & Cookie Shot Maker

$19.95 from Amazon »

Milk & cookies. & liquid chocolate. & shots. Maybe I'll make it through this year after all. Wait, what? I have to make it all myself? With molds and melters and ingredients from the store? Come on! I thought I could...

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Cards Against Humanity Fortune Cookies

$10 from OK Cookie Co. »

I like the fortunes that say things like, "Soon you will be sitting on top of the world," and "May you grow rich," followed by a series of lucky numbers that happen to coincide with those drawn during this week's Power...

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Milk & Cookies Shots

Now that the Cookie Monster has had his fling with Siri, maybe he can engage the services of Alexa to order him a dozen...or 8 dozen...of Dirty Cookie's Milk & Cookie Shots. I can't wait to see what he gets up to while...

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Naughty Cookie Cutters

$29.49 from Firebox.com »

These are disgusting. A perversion of gingerbread men, and a perversion of the spirit of Christmas!...

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Your Face Mask

$299 from That's My Face »

Your face. Your buddy's face. Your mom's face. Angelina Jolie's face. ThatsMyFace.com can make any of them for your creeptastic wearing pleasure. They can also make them for your creeptastic wall-mounting or refrigerator-magneting...

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X-Rated Fortune Cookies

$16.13 from Amazon »

Every time you masturbate, God chokes a kitten. I don't know if that bit of wisdom can be found in this Chinese to-go container of of X-Rated Fortune Cookies, but it should be a staple. Get your hands out of your pants...

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Japanese Tongue Exerciser

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The most endearing part about the Kuwaete Sukkiri Tongue Exerciser marketing campaign is that it claims the silicone (and grapefruit scented!) apparatus is intended to "help improve your face line and those flabby, sagging...

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Dapper Celebrity Soldier Prints

$24.95 - $55.95 from Society 6 »

Obviously the only one of these celebrities who really sat for his French Republican Guard...or whatever...portrait in the 19th century is Chuck Norris because he's immortal and easily over 200 years old. The rest are...

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Whale Coffee Mug & Cookie Holder

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This whale mug with cookie-holding mouth would have to be life-sized to accurately reflect the number of frosted shamrocks I ate last night in a St. Paddy's Day / NCAA Tourney warmup session, and also the amount of coffee...

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Cookie Monster Pipe

Discontinued

Holy crap, can you imagine how many cookies the Cookie Monster would eat if he were high? Possibly all the cookies in the world. Which in a way would be interesting to witness, but in a bigger way very sad, because then...