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People I Want to Punch in the Face

By: on March 04, 2012
$9.99
from
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A comprehensive collection of people you want to punch in the face. This is the little black book anyone can fill. In fact, it would probably be a good idea to order a few Rude Books, 'cause you know you're gonna want to go retroactive with your shit list. Kid who pissed on you in preschool. Junior high school shop teacher. Intramural lacrosse coach. College roommate who collected your used Band-Aids and slept under the bunk beds because he wanted to be a vampire. It would take a dozen books just to get me to January 2012, and today alone I could add the snotty bitch on a power trip, the SOB who left snot rockets in the shower at the gym, every other driver trying to merge onto the interstate, and the entire Comcast Corporation.

Rather than brass knuckle stun gunning recipients of your ire, or even good old-fashioned fisting them in the neck, achieve peaceful, ER- and assault-charge free catharsis with a pen, and a handmade black book small enough to slip right into your pocket for instant, anytime access. The Rude Book has a soft, buckrum cover, hot stamped with gold lettering, and 20+ pages of unlined paper for filling with people whose faces are begging for your right hook.

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Beef Jerky Flower Bouquets

Men, say it with diamonds. With chocolate truffles. With roses. Ladies, say it with beef. Jerky. In the shape of flowers for good measure. Because even though nothing will tell your man's belly how you feel more than...

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Images You Should Not Masturbate To

$9.95 from Amazon »

If you're wondering if its title is true, feed your curiosities with the photo of the dog that looks like George Costanza's mom in this book of Images You Should Not Masturbate To. And I thought the salt shaker was bad....

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The Womanizer (NSFW)

$189 from Amazon »

Ladies and their lady parts must really like this Womanizer contraption and its suction cuppy O-face of a tip because this is one sex toy I keep: 1) reading about in major publications; 2) hearing all my girlfriend's...

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Ex-Boyfriend Revenge Kit

$1,680 from Her Royal Flyness »

I am drawing this Ex-Boyfriend Revenge Kit to the world's attention only so that if anyone sees a woman carrying a bluish-greenish colored purse you'll know to report her immediately to a shrink, the police, and Batman....

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Ship Your Enemies Glitter

I just read the best analogy of anything ever on ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com: "Glitter is the herpes of the craft world." Oh hell yeah it is. Glitter is hideous. Glitter spreads like wildfire. Glitter gets into crevices...

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Stoner Coffee Table Book

$9.66 from Amazon »

Steve Mockus presents: the Stoner Coffee Table Book. For that special kind of stoner who enjoys smoking out solo, and needs an activity more interactive than staring off into space, but less mentally taxing than playing...

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Go F Yourself Condom Card

$9.99 - $12.99 from FunnyCondoms.com »

I can think of many people to whom I'd like to send a Go F Yourself card (complete with packaged condom for carrying out the act!) but one dude stands out like a glowing beacon bobbing amidst the sea of the rest. How...

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Objects of Desire (NSFW)

$26.44 from Amazon »

Everyone's all on about the advancements in the computer industry. The cell phone industry. The automotive industry. But what about the sex toy industry? Isn't it about time they got the props they deserve for the groundbreaking...

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Penis Tuxedo

$29.95 from LELO »

How long has it been since someone said your penis looks "dapper?" For me, the answer is an emphatic "too long." The same goes for "snazzy," "handsome," and "just like Jon Hamm." I can only hope LELO's new TUX, a penis...

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The Moon Ring

$18.95 from Amazon »

Did I say the Scary Intruder prop was a good way to find out how hard and fast my girlfriend punches? Well. That's because I hadn't see The Moon Ring yet. I feel like this prank's tagline should be: "Give her The Moon...

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Show Me Your Kitty Panties

$10.90 from Etsy »

Cats hide in the darndest of places, don't they? Etsy shop owner Elena prints adorable images of kitties onto semi-sexy pairs of underwear to create the overall awesome effect of the literal cuddly creature ladies obsess...

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Rent-a-Rebound - Post-Breakup Virtual Sweetheart

$500 from Wish.co.uk »

Happy Valentine's Day. Unless you're single and lonely. Especially unless you're single and lonely because you just got dumped. But cheer up, minced-hearted Charlies, I've got even better tidings for you. Tidings, dare...