Dude's Top Products for March 2019
What happened in March 2019? Spring hit. The Madness of the NCAA hit. Blah, blah, blah politics. Oh, and I showed you a hose for your wiener you can use to take a whizz in the car. Plus a coin purse designed especially for bitch slapping. A carbon fiber Bugatti. A flying motorcycle. A butt pillow for your head.
It was a busy month.
Here's the rundown in more detail, Dude's top products for March 2019.
Bugatti La Voiture Noire
A "Bugatti enthusiast" handed over $19 million for the the one and only La Voiture Noire Bugatti plans to produce, making it the most expensive new car ever sold.
La Voiture Noire takes inspiration from a Bugatti icon, the 1930s Type 57 SC Atlantic coupe, and has some of the same organs and guts as the Chiron, including a 16-cylinder, 8-liter engine, which Bugatti calls its "beating heart." The Noire chassis gets its name from a stealthy carbon fiber body, with a center fin added as a nod to the Atlantic's dorsal seam.
Self-Defense Coin Bag
George Washington, Franklin Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson, and Abe Lincoln team up to deliver the ultimate bitch slap, packing a whack! from inside your self-defense coin bag. And after they're done, you'll be all ready to give the poor sapped sap whining about it on the ground a quarter to call someone who cares.
You stylish self-defending diva, you.
Worst Co-Worker Ribbon Set
The sarcasm of Adult Achievement Stickers combine with my personal favorite BS award medium, ribbons, and head to the office with this Worst Co-Worker Ribbon Set from Etsy shop Boldfaced. As much fun as it might be to give my friend Cornelius an "I almost went to the gym today" sticker, it will always be in jest, because Cornelius is my friend. But that mother F'ing mother F'er who's always got a minor surgery or a dead dog keeping him from doing jack shit around the office except for heating up leftover fish in the microwave? That dude's getting a legit "Useless" ribbon.
Pull Start Fire - Pull String Firestarter
The Pull Start Fire is a super simple means of lighting a campfire, bonfire, or emergency flames for smoke signals that requires no matches or lighter. Or for that matter, skills with a ferro rod or fire piston. According to its makers, this pull string firestarter also burns 2 times hotter than the competition, and for 30 to 40 minutes on its own so logs have ample time to catch without kindling.
Toddler Target Potty Training Bullseye
The Toddler Target is a potty training tool that projects a green bullseye in your toilet bowl so your little whizzers have something a little more focused than the entirety of your bathroom to aim their stream at. Toddler Target calls itself, "No mess, no stress, easy and fun for all ages!" Which means, to the dudes who are dads, you won't be able to resist taking aim at the Toddle Target either.
You can follow up it with a Dad Joke about how pee-cise you are.
BolaWrap 100 Handheld Remote Restraint Device
What's this, BolaWrap? Taser meets...lasso?! Sign me up! ... Er, on the delivering, not the receiving end, please.
Speaking in euphemisms, the BolaWrap 100 is a handheld "remote restraint device that discharges an 8 foot bola style Kevlar tether at 640 feet per second to entangle a subject at a range of 10-25 feet." Dude-appropriate translation: it's a Bat-Toy you can use to stop bad guys!
"You" being law enforcement officers, of course.
SureCan Bottom-Dispensing Gasoline Can
The SureCan's spill-proof design includes a rotating nozzle and thumb release trigger that, when activated, lets gravity take over. You don't have to tip - farther, farther, a little farth- d'oh! - your gas can to pour and risk dumping it all over your hands or, if you're super lucky, your pants and shoes.
SureCans have a 6-wall high-density polyethylene construction, including a layer dedicated to getting rid of the fuel smell so it won't stink up and toxify your garage. A swell gift for the garden to help power the tools that power your spring cleaning and summer fun.
Beretta Signal Set
New to my list of Things That Make You Go Awww: the Beretta Signal Set, a 2mm pinfire gun that, despite its miniature status, shoots more than just a flag that says Bang!
The palm-sized Beretta is designed to fire both signal flares and 2mm pinfire rounds. Hikers, hunters, skiers, and other outdoorsmen and women might like to have along for the fun so that if the fit hits the shan, the skare can hit the fly.
Stand Up Paddleboard Inflatable Creatures
Be the scariest / dreamiest / quackiest creature in the water with a set of Stand Up Floats' creature inflatables strapped to your stand up paddleboard. The Shark, Unicorn, Duck, Swan, and Whale pieces even serve purposes more functional that just making your stand up stand out.
Easy-on, easy-off inflatables have a removable universal harness system for attaching them to the front, back, and/or center of any SUP. Creature tails have integrated seats for riders, or paddlers who want to sit or stop and take a load off with a cold beer after the hard work is done.
The Car Pool - Water Bottle Portable Toilet Hose
They say dudes can pee anywhere, but The Car Pool knows that isn't always the case. What if you're stuck in traffic? What if you're on the highway with nowhere decent to pull over, or nowhere decent to drop trou? What if you've got a kid on an airplane who didn't have to go 2 minutes before they turned on the Fasten Seatbelt sign and told everyone to stay put for the remainder of the turbulent flight, but now he's squirming and whining so hard your only options are pee-soaked pants and plane seat (latter probably serves the airline right since they all suck so hard) or...The Car Pool?
Lazareth LMV496 Flying Motorcycle
Bienvenue to La Moto Volante. Lazareth's design for their flying motorcycle isn't just a concept, or the execution a one-off digging for some viral attention, either. The French custom bike builder is producing 5 of their LMV496 motorcycles that volante, and will sell one to any of you dudes, at a price upwards of $550K.
Remember these hoverbikes? An LMV496 is way, way better. In addition to looking much sexier, this bike functions as both a road-ready electric motorcycle, and a vehicle of flight. The transformation process, wherein the bike's 4 wheels splay out to the side to face down, makes La Moto Volante resemble a rideable quadcopter in flying form. As a motorcycle, it looks a lot like Lazareth's 4-wheeled LM847, where the LMV496 design takes its inspiration.
The Buttress Pillow
We've done the Girlfriend Pillow and we've done the Boyfriend Pillow, but, perhaps for all the single gender neutrals, bisexuals, and ass men / ass women out there, The Buttress Pillow is our first foray into the back side of humanlike contact and cuddling in dreamland.
Made of hypoallergenic, all natural latex, The Buttress Pillow is 15" x 14" x 8" of bootylicious comfort from tailbone to hamstring. There's even a "sweet spot" between the separated thighs and Daisy Duke line made to accommodate side, back, and stomach sleepers alike.
Chug N' Plug Keychain Tool for Shotgunning Beer
The Chug N' Plug is a tiny tool that attaches to your keychain. It looks like a plastic house with a cylinder cover. The pointy roof end is the one you use to stab your beer can with, using the Chug N' Plug to puncture and push through aluminum wall, and making sure the 4 walls of the house are fully inserted and locked in place before you assume the shotgun position. Then...
Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga, woot-woot!
Become Your Cat Mask
Wanna be a copycat? Like, copy your cat and become a copy of your cat? Yeah, you probably do.
And if you already own the Licki Brush the news that Japanese company Shinto Michiya will make you a furry human-head-sized replica mask of your own Goose or Bella may have just made you
pee your pants soil your litterbox. Hope you've got the $2,700+ in cash it's going to cost you to go full-on SWF.
That's Single Wacked-out Feline.
Sorry, I'm just assuming you're single.