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Friday, July 11, 2014
$324.99 from Amazon »

I guess this is what happens when you don't spend all your time watching TV and playing video games. You come up with simple, fantastic ideas like the Amish with this 3-in-1 high chair. It's just a shame they'll have to use...

Sunday, July 28, 2013
By: Skoda

At the end of the day, you'll still be a dude pushing around a baby...or a pomeranian...in a stroller, but at least with Skoda's Man-Pram you can mow the fuck over anyone who gives you shit about it....

Monday, November 19, 2012
$18.70 from Amazon »

"I just did 9 months on the inside...and now that I'm out, my mom is making me wear an orange onesie that, for some reason, encourages many who see me to double-bump a fist against their chest and flash me two fingers." Bloomingdale's terms this baby thug suit "droll". Which is so paradoxically pretentious, and maybe the worst possible word to use in describing criminal-themed kiddie clothes, but...

Wednesday, April 23, 2014
$50.49 from Firebox.com »

Finally! A use for babies! Come on little Timmy, you need to work up an appetite and I need to see my reflection in those hardwoods. That's right, time to earn your breast milk, son. And try not to get too sweaty or haggard...

Sunday, April 27, 2014
Sold Out from Amazon »

This baby with a mohawk and sleeves tattooed on his arms looks ridiculous. Even though the mohawk is probably just a styling of the only hair he has on his head and the sleeves are part of a onesie. The poor bastard. He doesn't...

Saturday, February 1, 2014
$84.99 from Amazon »

In many ways, this NOMIS Piggyback Rider for kids up to 7 years old! is a total crock. If I have to walk 18 blocks from where we parked to the PAX entrance, why should whiny little punk Treyton get to hitch a ride on his dad's back? However, I will not demand the carrier's obliteration because I do acknowledge that given Treyton's whininess, littleness, and punkness, if his dad were to force him...

Saturday, April 27, 2013
$149 from KidsEmbrace »

A Batman Car Seat?! Kids these days are so spoiled. When I was of car seat age my mama didn't even put me in a car seat. She strapped me down with bungee cords. And only on the inside of the car instead of the roof on days...

Saturday, November 24, 2012
Sold Out from Amazon »

It's never too early to indoctrinate your kids into the world of role-playing. Even casual RPG enthusiasts will get a kick out of J!NX's Level 1 Human Baby Creeper Romper for the 2 to 3 weeks it actually fits their ludicrous-speed-growing...

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Mmm, mmm that baby looks good enough to dunk in guacamole and drizzle with Cholula. I'm a little confused about the tortilla swaddling blanket's accompanying hat though. Why does it have a knot in it? Aren't tamales the Mexican...

Thursday, December 13, 2012
$12 from Amazon »

"Fool" is such a grand addition to the English language. Mr. T knew what was up. Apparently, bib-wearing babies do too. I knew they were smarter than they look. I bet in actuality they're like a tribe of wee geniuses hiding...

If bat shit looked like 1000mW of ice-blue lightning, the S3 Spyder III Arctic Laser would be the physical manifestation of bat shit crazy. As it stands, the world's most powerful laser is just fuckin' nuts. Wicked Lasers' (absolutely, 100% legal) handheld bolt of pure spectral power counts amongst its marketable skills the ability to: Sear through ornery plastic, pop bitch-ass balloons, burn continuously, 24/7, without sustaining damage to its laser diode, function in 9 different operating modes, including Strobe, Constant Wave, SOS, Beacon, and Tactical Hibernation, emit 0.25 Lux of light at a distance of 6,856 meters, turn anyone it hits in the eye at a distance of 149 meters or less into Ray Charles, minus the musical talent and soul.

And if that weren't enough to get it laid every day for the duration of its 5,000+-hour serviceable life, Guinness is currently testing the S3 Arctic for the official title of World's Most Powerful Laser.

The S3 Arctic Series Laser resides in an aircraft grade aluminum chassis that's smaller than a standard flashlight.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013
$4,495 from Kid Kustoms »

I'd give myself about 40 minutes of pushing one of these hot rod fendered strollers around before dinging and scratching it up beyond recognition from skimming walls and banging into corners. Pushing a kid cart around is so...

Sunday, December 9, 2012
Sold Out from Amazon »

iPood. The onesie that states the obvious, perpetual reality for chilluns between the ages of 6 and 18 months old. And instead of a button for blasting its volume, the iPood comes with a button that aids kiddos in blasting...

Thursday, September 27, 2012
$48 from Etsy »

I know your toddler is a unique and special snowflake, but now you can turn him into a programmable, monotone android too and revel in the irony! Carolyn Caffelle calls her R2D2 onesie and hat a costume, though I think everyone...

Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Sold Out from Amazon »

My Spidey Sense says that Robin would risk being labeled a traitor and facing legal action due to copyright infringement in order to take a siesta in this bed. Especially on lonely, pouty nights when Bruce brings home a lady...

Wednesday, October 2, 2013
$195 - $310.91 from Amazon »

Bloom's Coco Stylewood baby loungers cater to people who are down with having a kid, but loath to accruing the cradle, bouncy chair, and plastic rainbow playmat crap that comes with having a kid and Fs up their interior decor....

Monday, September 2, 2013
Sold Out from Amazon »

To assist parents in perpetuating the fallacy that in America any kid can be anything he wants when he grows up, here we have an astronaut duvet. That is, not just a duvet with astronauts on it, but a duvet with the majority...

Wednesday, December 28, 2011
$28 - $71.99 from Amazon »

This isn't quite Ralphie in his pink bunny pajamas from Aunt Clara, but it's pretty close. I don't think the idea here is to dress your infant comfortably, but more to entertain adults and create some classic photo opportunities...

Tuesday, February 19, 2013
$25 from Etsy »

Omar Little, quintessential role model for those short on teeth and sweet on pulverized green beans and boob milk. Oh, indeed. The Wire's beloved man with the hot hand for stickin' it to drug dealers now comes in a medium...

Thursday, October 25, 2012
$25 from Etsy »

Obviously I like this Frankenstein hat because it represents the true nature of babies: scary mish-mashes of tiny monster parts stitched together into wiggly, fluid-projectile-ejecting beings that terrify me. Though seemingly...

Thursday, May 10, 2012
Sold Out from Etsy »

The Ninteetho old school Nintendo teether is two kinds of awesome. First, it's the one video game controller you won't have to spend $99.95 replacing when your suddenly mobile kid grabs hold and gets to gnawing on and drooling...

Monday, October 10, 2011
$24.46 from Amazon »

Though not always as deadly as they seem, let's face it, babies are predators. Sharks in sheep's clothing. Seconds away from their next tantrum. Ready. Waiting.... to ruin your life. So let's not pretend we like them any longer....

Thursday, October 20, 2011
$18 from Etsy »

These button-cute baby threads are hitting the online shopping world just in time for the next installment of Twilight. The one where Bella gets preggo!...

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