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The JerkShirt (NSFW)

By: on May 31, 2016

Now don't take NSFW the wrong way. The JerkShirt was indeed created primarily for the office (and secondarily for the dinner table). But I would caution against watching the video, illuminating as it may be, within eye- or earshot of stuck-up co-workers and bosses who don't like things that are awesome.

The JerkShirt is a forthcoming (you can sign up for pre-order preference) classy blue button-up with a prosthetic arm you can move and position anywhere so you can maintain equal classiness as you jerk off in public. The 3:00 crash at work. The stressful brunch at the country club to meet girlfriend's parents. The excruciating 12-hour flight to Europe. Combat fatigue, nerves, and boredom with your most favorite alone-time pastime on earth without getting fired, exiled, or arrested!

In addition to the decoy arm, the JerkShirt is also sized to accommodate your real hand and hide your crotchal region as you choke the chicken so you'll be as comfortable as you are covert in your self gratification. The shirt's interior also has a built-in splash guard to keep the deed mess-free and avert tricky questions about when you spilled Aunt Jan's pineapple Jell-O salad all over your lap.

The JerkShirt is machine washable after each shoot-and-score, and comes with prosthetic arms in 4 different skin tones: Light; Beige; Tan; and Dark. Note: All prosthetic arms appear to replace the wearer's right hand, so, sorry lefties. It's just like scissors. You get the shaft--or rather, only awkward access to the shaft--again.

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Flowering Penis Coffee Mug

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For all the ladies (and fellas!) who count floral patterns and penises amongst their favorite things, have I got a mug of a gift for you. Clothing and accessory brand HUMAN goes for a very anatomical part of being one...

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Wobbling Willy - Your Face on a Dildo (NSFW)

Dudes, check out the Wobbling Willy's practical application for all those selfies you've been taking. Your face on a dildo. A way, way sexier (and more functional!) gift for your girlfriend than that framed dick pic you...

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Japanese Electric Piston Masturbator (NSFW)

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Note: The Japanese electric piston masturbator's NSFW designation serves not so much as a reminder that this device is not suitable to view at work as it does a reminder that it is not suitable to use at work. I found...

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The Killer Key

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The Killer Key is for law enforcement officials, landlords with squatters or evicted tenants, and pranksters who thrive on taking things one step too far. See, the key blade inserts into any Kwikset or Schlage brand lock...

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Embarrassing Box Prank Mailer (NSFW)

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D*ck in a Box is back! Just in time to dil-dole out some good times at the office and an April Fool's Day gift or two. Like many popular send-it-anonymously pranks, maker Witty Yeti will take a sworn oath to mail your...

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LaunchPAD - Fleshlight iPad Case (NSFW)

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Though it's not electric or piston-powered...or Japanese...like this friendly sex toy, the LaunchPAD does employ advanced technology in a valiant effort to enhance Man's alone time. The makers of male masturbatory aid...

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Selfie Vibrator with HD Camera (NSFW)

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It doesn't have to be a holiday or special occasion to surprise your lady with a thoughtful gift. The Svakom Gaga Sex Selfie Stick even has a foolproof, built-in mechanism for gauging how much she likes it. Come on, sugar...

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PC Prankster

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I live for shenanigans of the PC Prankster variety. No, not because I'm devious and mean-spirited, because I have great empathy for others. I know as well as anyone how it feels to reach a level of frustration with a...

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Largemouth Bass Slippers

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Images You Should Not Masturbate To

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If you're wondering if its title is true, feed your curiosities with the photo of the dog that looks like George Costanza's mom in this book of Images You Should Not Masturbate To. And I thought the salt shaker was bad....

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How to Pee with Morning Wood

$13.95 - $60.90 from Zazzle »

A self-help guide to dealing with the enormous issue I face first thing in the morning every single day of my life and it's packaged as whimsical wall art that will add immeasurable character to my bathroom? How to Pee...

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Paco's Taco Stroker

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At first I was like, Who the h-e-double-boner named this kitchen tool "Paco's Taco Stroker?" I'm going to make so many masturbation jokes when I write about it. And then I looked closer and was like, Holy hard-on! They...