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Grizzly Bear Underwear

By: on December 04, 2013
  • Grizzly Bear Underwear
  • Grizzly Bear Underwear
  • Grizzly Bear Underwear
$32.79
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I know grizzly bears are meant to connote fortitude, ferocity, and...bigness...in a reverential way, but, uh, I'm pretty sure these grizzly bear underwear are intended only for dudes who don't want blowjobs. They could also serve extreme feminists desiring to wear depictions of what all men see when looking at their crotches.

Snarling grizzly underwear have emblazoned shots of Kings of the Forest on both their front and back sides. Each has been trained to warm, cradle, and protect, as well as inject assigned manhoods with some of their ursine fire. But hopefully not their ursine aroma. Bears reek worse than 100 people on a windowless bus home from Burning Man. That dizzying smell, ma'am? Oh, it's just my bear pubes.

According to the Edison-caliber inventors of these underwear, the 100% polyester boxer briefs have been hand-crafted by virile Polish seamstresses. They have no flap. Because the last thing anyone ever wants to be unable to un-see is a wiener poking out of the mouth of a grizzly bear.

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Cute Ass Animals Underwear

$35 - $56 from Etsy »

Etsy vendor Nichola's Knickerockers, underwear with adorable animal faces strategically sewn across one of my favorite places on earth, are pricey. But to all ladies who often get mistaken for Victoria's Secret models...

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Eletrunks "Lifter" Underwear

$28 from Eletrunks »

Though the above video is slightly NSFW, Eletrunks are not a dirty or obscene pair of underwear. At all. The company's demo of their functional, comfort-enhancing, package-adjusting Lifter cord just makes it look like...

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Fundies: Underwear Built for Two

$7.99 from Amazon »

According to every woman's favorite book, The Five Love Languages, physical touch is the predominant type of love males enjoy receiving, while quality time earns high marks with the ladies. Fundies, a chic pair of tandem...

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Shreddies Fart-Filtering Underwear

$38 - $70 from Shreddies »

Leave it to the Brits to class up farts and poots. And also to create a solution that spares those who didn't just drop a silent stink bomb from inhaling the fumes released by the one who did. Shreddies is a line of men's...

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The Ball Lifter (NSFW)

$17 - $22.95 from Amazon »

I know what you're thinking: is that a push-up bra...for my balls? The answer is yes. The Ball Lifter was designed to lift and embellish your package without pumps, pills, or other male member enhancement quackery. It's...

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Latex Bat Underwear

$80 from Etsy »

Warning: Abigail Greydanus' latex bat underwear are slightly NSFW. Probably both in terms of viewing enlarged photos of them, and physically wearing them at the office, as my experience with latex is that it is the textile...

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Nerds with Vaginas Underwear

$15 from Etsy »

Did you get drunk and pee your pants last night? Did you throw your panties on stage during the New Year's Eve Super Diamond Neil Diamond cover band show? Did you sneak out of the bed you woke up in at 5:00 a.m. and leave...

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Manties Men's Lace Boxers

$31.19 from Firebox.com »

Last month this a-hole at my office left a box of Edible Anus chocolates on my desk with a note that said, "I saw these and thought of your face." Now everyone at work calls me Buttmuncher. Like we're 12! So for next...

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Spartan Radiation-Blocking Underwear

$45 from Spartan »

Spartan Underwear heard the refrain every time some newfangled food or drug or piece of tech came out too: "Twenty years from now they'll probably find out it kills you." Or, in the case of the radiation given off by...

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MyPakage Keyhole Comfort Underwear

$24.99 - $30.99 from Amazon »

While a keyhole connotes something very small into which one inserts something else very small...and then, uh, forcefully twists it 360 degrees clockwise or counterclockwise...I assure you that MyPakage underwear's KeyHole...

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Lace Skull & Crossbones Pants

$238 from Amazon »

Plea to All Women: I implore you to buy these pants. And wear them in my presence. White, lace, skulls. They're the trifecta of my fantasies. Throw in flowing, partially see-through, and looking to be very soft, and I...

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Anatomical Gummi Bears

$39.99 from ThinkGeek »

This anatomical view of what lies beyond the high fructose corn syrup and Yellow Dye No. 5 of their epidermises paints Gummi Bears in a new light. Gives them some identity. Some humanity. Makes me feel kind of bad for...