Clongs - Click-Lock Sit-Up Tongs

$24.95 from Amazon »

Since it's difficult for me even to pour a bowl of cereal without making a mess I'm not sure how much of a difference in cleanliness Clongs will make in my life, but I do appreciate their intent and nifty V-dip. And with...

The Casper Hug & Bounce Mattress

$500 - $950 from Casper »

Casper believes the main selling point of their mattress is its ability to both hug and contour and resist and bounce, thereby making sex on top of it 1,000 times better. At least that's the outcome I'm hoping for. Better...

Golden Goose - In-Shell Scrambled Eggs

$19.95 from Amazon »

Willy Wonka is a pseudonym. His real name is Geraint Krumpe. And in these health-conscious, no-sugar, no-carb, caveman-diet times, he's traded in the chocolate factory for endless crates of protein powerhouses, and one...

Lansky BladeMedic Knife Sharpener

$8.99 from Amazon »

Over 300 Lansky BladeMedic knife sharpener reviewers have geeked out and waxed poetic about its astute capabilities and all-around magnificence. As for me, the last time I tried to sharpen a steak knife I lost a small...

Ecotop Mug To-Go Topper

$9.95 from Amazon »

I don't know about the logistics of fitting a mug with a sippy cup top in my car's cup holder, but I do know about the logistics of being able to walk down the street drinking from my favorite ninja mug without sloshing...

Han Solo-Chewbacca Reversible Hoodie

$109 from Amazon »

Life has been very difficult for some since the Mark Ecko reversible Chewbacca hoodie sold out. It was pretty much the Star Wars garment to end all Star Wars garments. But I like this new alternative alright too. Maybe...

TI:ME Slipper Sneakers

$70 - $130 from TI:ME »

Total comfort and relaxation without looking like a hobbit. This is the objective of TI:ME slippers. Though I would contend that the Kickstarter project's soft-soled, plush-lined, yoga-matted, walking-on-Air Jordans go...

Death Star Cutting Board

$19.95 from Amazon »

And I thought it couldn't get any better than R2-D2 measuring cups. Well, really, R2-D2 measuring cups are better than a Death Star cutting board, if for no other reason than their deconstruct/reconstruct Russian doll...

Baby Mop Onesie

$50.49 from Firebox.com »

Finally! A use for babies! Come on little Timmy, you need to work up an appetite and I need to see my reflection in those hardwoods. That's right, time to earn your breast milk, son. And try not to get too sweaty or haggard...

Door Jammer Portable Security Device

$24.99 from Amazon »

I've always liked the simplicity and practicality of that Add-a-Lock portable door lock, but this Door Jammer device looks even easier to use. Just wedge it under any inward opening door and give it a kick. It also appears...

Ridley's Balloon Modeling Kit

$13.50 from Amazon »

Some old lady called me a clown the other day so I decided to look up how to make balloon animals. And as luck would have it, there's a whole kit and how-to guide for balloon modeling. Though it's made by Ridley's so...

Two-Cylinder V-Twin Gas Powered Engine

$787.49 from Gyroscope.com »

One time I had to write white paper or a green paper or something about a Stirling engine for a job interview but I still didn't really understand how they work. Something about expansion and contraction of gas and...oh...

Game of Thrones: A Pop-Up Guide to Westeros

$40.11 from Amazon »

Pop-up books are ageless. Genderless, raceless, and religious and political persuasionless too. In fact, I think the only people on earth who might possibly not like pop-up books are the blind. And maybe the sighted who...

Traeger Junior Wood Pellet Grill

Sold Out from Amazon »

Wood pellets look like the food I used to feed my guinea pig. I loved that guinea pig. And if irregularly-sized tubular shards of organic material was good enough for him, it's good enough for me. There are a few grills...

Obol - No More Soggy Cereal Bowl

$13.95 from Amazon »

So, uh...you think that Obol girl in the video is 18? I mean, I'm just asking. Out of...academic curiosity. And as a way to make anti-soggy cereal bowl conversation....

GoPlug Powered Bags

$129 - $399 from Kickstarter »

I kind of like the idea of sitting on a park bench with a backpack sporting an electrical outlet. Typing away on a laptop plugged into something that once carried books, but now carries a 115v, 60Hz device capable of...

iMusic Bluetooth Pillow

Sold Out from Amazon »

Yeah, MP3 speaker pillows are all fun and games until someone drowns their connected smartphone in a pool of drool and shorts it beyond repair. It's about time we got a Bluetooth upgrade to this otherwise swell advancement...

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OuttaGEAR 4.0 Bug Out Bag

Giveaway: OuttaGEAR 4.0 Bug Out Bag

My plan for an emergency, catastrophic event, or Lord of the Flies throwdown? Total, balls-to-the-wall bug out. I recommend the same for you. First step: click here and enter to win the functional, fully-loaded, self-proclaimed...

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Belt Buckle Knife

$65 - $95 from Bowen Knife Company »

Well I just hope the sheaths in Bowen's blade-wielding belts are secure and hefty enough to preclude any potential slippage or puncturing in the vicinity of the most important part of my body. The last thing I need from...

1800-Watt Portable Induction Cooktop

$69.99 from Amazon »

I like inducing things alright. Normally it's the ire of others and a wicked hangover with fine Hornitos tequila. But now I can also induce the proverbial flames of fire with Duxtop's induction cooktop. And, even better...

X9 Follow Golf Caddy

$2,500 from Stewart Golf »

Sweet, a caddy you don't have to tip or worry about getting caught violating child labor laws while carrying your clubs for 9 hours straight in 95-degree weather. British company Stewart Golf has released the X9 Follow...

F-Cup Cookies

F-Cup Cookies sound like they would be a joke, and they probably are, but for all women with concave chesticular regions and, more importantly, for all the men who have to fondle them, I sure as 2 seconds of motorboating...

Game of Thrones Wax Seal Coasters

$19.99 from ThinkGeek »

Why yes, House Lannister, you can hold my Bud Light Lime, collecting its condensation and dribblings in the shallow basin of your golden lion wax seal. House Targaryen though, I'd prefer you hold my head, collecting its...

TowlHub USB Paper Towel Holder

$59.99 from Amazon »

As if it weren't amazing enough that there are paper towels so strong that a single quilted sheet can mop up an entire glass of spilt milk someone's crying over. Now these paper towels' holders can charge up to 4 of my...

Iron, Man Ironing Board Cover

$20.35 from Amazon »

One thing I've never owned is an iron. Not that I'm complaining or consider myself deprived. Owning an iron would probably just make me feel guilty about owning an iron and never using it. I mean, my clothes look great...

Pykmax Ergonomic Guitar Pick

$12 - $14 from Amazon »

They call it a high performance guitar pick, which in my mind means that the Pykmax should do the guitar strumming for me. Like a player piano, but completely inconspicuously so that the ladies I'm trying to impress think...

R2D2 Measuring Cups

$19.99 from ThinkGeek »

What? R2-D2 measuring cups?! Dude. If R2-D2 can make me some peanut butter chocolate chip cookies in honor of the fact that I want some peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, my whiny ex-girlfriend will officially be correct...

Good Grips Mango Splitter

$13.90 from Amazon »

OXO says, "There's nothing as luscious as a ripe mango." OXO obviously has never seen Kate Upton's rack. Or Kelly Brook's. Or Christina Hendricks'. However, I do agree that mangoes are in the luscious family. The luscious...

Military-Style Crash Cot

$67.27 from Amazon »

A folding metal cot covered in heavy-duty polyester fabric. You wanna crash at my place, that's what you're getting. It's pretty comfortable though. Body-contouring. And at 77" x 25", with legs reinforced with steel pipe...

Thames & Kosmos Wind Power 2.0

$33.09 from Amazon »

First you build the wind-powered generators. Then the wind spins the turbines. Then the turbines turn an electric generator. Then the electric generator charges some rechargeable AA batteries. And then--then!--you use...

Rustic Porch Swing Bed

$1,199 - $1,699 from Etsy »

Even if I weren't the Laziest Man Alive I could get down with a king-size mattress hoisted atop a solid wood porch swing bed. Swaying supine in the June breeze, dozing and drooling, sipping 7 & 7 Big Gulps...ahhh, it's...

Cork Globe

$200 from SUCK UK »

I think someone should make a globe out of bubble wrap so that every time I visit a different country I can gratifyingly pop it off the world. Get to work on that, someone, will you? And in the interim, I guess this cork...

Ultralight Canister Camp Stove

$5.78 - $17.80 from Amazon »

Palm-sized and 3.9 ounces. That is a tiny stove. It's like the Danny DeVito of stoves. No wait, he's kind of rotund. Maybe it's the Danny DeVito's wife of stoves. The Carla from Cheers stove. JOGR's ultralight canister...

NOOKA Zub Zirc Justice League Watches

NOOKA's Justice League Zub Zirc watches look almost like implements the superheroes they represent would wear themselves. Well, Superman would anyway. That narcissistic, self-promoting bastard. He's like...like...the...

Turbine Engine Boot Blade

$49.99 from Vvego »

TSA isn't going to like this EDC blade attached to your boot, but that incredibly hot chick in purple yoga pants who just noticed a wad of gum congealed to her shoe as she removed it for the X-ray belt probably will....

Single-Serving Blender

$25.07 from Amazon »

I've had one of these Hamilton Beach single-serving blenders for years, and although it's not the highest quality blending product ever made, I use it faithfully for 3 reasons:...

Sorry For Driving So Close In Front Car Decal

$2.19 from Amazon »

I don't really like smug car decals like this because I think anyone who needs to be sorry for driving sooo close in front of me should be plucked from the road and tossed into a tar pit by the hand of God. However, I...

DIY Paper Submachine Gun

$41.89 from Firebox.com »

The cool thing about this DIY submachine gun is that while there is a 98% chance it will paper cut up your hands during assembly, there is a 0% chance it will blow your head off or inadvertently light up your mama's brand...

Nose Outlet

Usually the best part about any Japanese product is the video they make to go with it. This Hanaga Tap, or nose outlet's, may not be as bizarre and exaggerated as some, but given that they make the development of a human...

Pit Barrel Cooker

$299 from Amazon »

The Pit Barrel Cooker is like a smoker mashed with a Crock Pot mashed with a 55-gallon barrel of lube. Minus the lube. The self-described "vertical cooking experience" says it will heat and flavor perfect hunks of meat...

BCX Slingshot

$185 from BaseCampX »

I can't figure out why this slingshot is so expensive. It must be the one David used to slay Goliath. Alright then, give me a rock and a pair of eyeballs...and $200, Mama...and I'll see what I can do....

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Tactical Beer Mug

Giveaway: Tactical Beer Mug

I don't always drink beer, but when I do I prefer it in a mug with an AR-15 carry handle and laser sight mounted to its mil-spec 1913 scope rails. Also, it better not be F'ing IPA. I hate that skunk piss. Those who are...

KFC Chicken Corsage

$20 from KFC »

A corsage with a big fat KFC fried chicken leg nestled in the center. That might be the one thing I'd consent to reliving high school for. Can you imagine how good promfuls of girls flailing chicken wrists on the dance...

3-String Electric Violin Guitar

$1,900 from Etsy »

Like the Nintendo controller coffee tables Charles Lushear handmakes CNC-machine-free from local California woods, Celantano Woodworks out of North Carolina works similar magic on their handmade, wood-based, "You dream...

Short Sleeve Weighted Training Shirt

$249.99 from Amazon »

Here's a way to make yourself way less comfortable, but way more badass while working out. The TITIN Force is a complete weighted compression system all tucked into a short sleeve shirt. It utilizes a 3-part hyper gravity...

Slothzilla Shower Curtain

$39.99 from Amazon »

So...I guess Slothzilla sounded better than King Sloth or Sloth Kong? Or maybe it's creators were just taking a page out of sloth the animal's own book and being lazy about fact checking their re-imaginations of iconic...

Cesium 133 - True Atomic Wristwatch

What's so special about an "atomic" wristwatch paradoxically struggling to work itself down from prototype sizes as big as the wearer's wrist? Well. In tracking time, it loses just 1 second every 1,000 years. Because...

Han Solo in Carbonite Rug

$49.99 - $69.99 from ThinkGeek »

Sure it's a cool novelty item to have in your family room or front entryway, plus embodies that which brings you the greatest joy in life (Star Wars), but do you really want to be the type of person who keeps Han Solo...