USB Lighter with Counterfeit Bill Detector

$15 from Brando »

This USB lighter with a UV light for counterfeit bill detection should be a pretty sweet combo for drug dealers. Get handed a $100, see it's a fake on the spot, burn it to bits, kick the scammer's ass to next Tuesday...

Bullet Knives

$33.60 from Amazon »

More surprising than that bullet knives exist is that they are sold in boxes of 12. Just how many bullet knives does one need? Are they like disposable razors? Good for 3 or 4 rounds of...uh...slashing and stabbing things...

Mirage 3D Instant Hologram Maker

$36.01 from Amazon »

It's all smoke and mirrors. Or, in the case of Mirage's 3D hologram maker, just mirrors. Great fun for kids, and not very bright fat people who can't figure out why they CAN'T. GRAB. THE M&Ms. Here, Chubs, have a strawberry...

Impossible Instant Photo Lab

$299 from Impossible »

The Impossible Instant Lab is an expandable photo processor that can intake any digital image from an iPhone or iPod Touch and output a Polaroid-style analog photo in seconds. Used in combination with a free Impossible...

Blow Up Traffic App

$0.99 from Blow Up Traffic »

I think I'm in love. Blow Up Traffic is an iPhone app that simulates setting fire to gridlocks or otherwise offensive individual vehicles that are driving like complete fucking morons, such as buses and Toyota Priuses....

Yankee Push Drill

$69.50 from Garrett Wade »

The Yankee Push Drill does not plug into the wall, which means its successful use is dependent entirely upon the well-oiled machine that is its handler's body. I bet my right arm and shoulder would be sore for 3 days...

Dual Beer Glass

$35 from Etsy »

At first I thought the Dual Beer Glass was intended for sampling two different types of beers at once, and I was like, How the dickens am I supposed to keep one from spilling all over my crotch when I'm drinking the other?...

Shark Puppy Bed

$36.99 - $43.99 from Amazon »

The smooshy shark or the poofy puppy: I don't know which is more adorable, and therefore most responsible for my urge to slap it in the face. Can any woman look at this dog without longing to hold it in her arms? Can...

Spitbank Fort - Luxury Floating Retreat

$560 - $12,850 from Spitbank Fort »

If the UK's Spitbank Fort didn't look and sound like post-apocalyptic luxury at its finest to begin with, its location in The Solent, a major shipping route along the Isle of Wight, should cement the status. The Solent?...

Ball of Fire Outdoor Fireplace

$190 from Amazon »

I feel like this steel mesh ball should contain, like, a set of conjoined twin brothers on motorcycles, not just a pile of logs and flames. No worries, though. I'm sure the Ball of Fire can go from outdoor fireplace to...

Sodium Acetate - Hot Ice

$9.50 from Amazon »

They call it hot ice because sodium acetate is extremely unstable (probably moody and demanding too) and begins hardening immediately as it drops below its melting point of 58.4 to 58 degrees C (about 136.5 to 137 degrees...

EQUUS BASS770 - New American Muscle Car

$250k - $290k from EQUUS Automotive »

Designed and manufactured in the USA. That's the battle cry of the 2014 EQUUS BASS770, a contemporary nod to American muscle cars of the 60s and 70s. It's also probably the reason for its starting price tag of $250 grand....

RockBoard Descender - Off-Road Skateboard

$118.99 from Amazon »

While RockBoard's Descender doesn't appear to be a wheeled vehicle suitable for the protruding roots and rocky drops of mountain bike trails, if its video is to be believed, it will serve as a smooth operator for anyone...

Mangroomer - DIY Electric Back Shaver

$24.99 from Amazon »

It's obvious what the Mangroomer is, so let's just cut to to the chase: what can this DIY back shaver do for you?...

Metro Cuffs

$39.99 from Amazon »

Show off the mass transit lines and routes of the city where you live--or wish you lived--with these Metro Cuffs by Designhype. Chicago's L, New York's Subway, London's Tube, Paris' Metro, and Milan and Berlin's...whatever...

Halloween Contact Lenses

$29.50 - $239.99 from Lens.com »

Minions will cower and tremble in fear when they meet the all-powerful GnarledJaggedPlaqueLaden Teeth Eyes! Hey, I get the appeal of colored and themed contact lenses, particularly for Halloween, cosplay, and other costumed...

Perfect Pancake Pan

$11 from Amazon »

I don't know if the Perfect Pancake Pan really cooks perfect pancakes as advertised, but if it does I would like to eat 8 of its delectably fluffy jack-flappers right now. Sumbitches look gooood....

Magnetic Dumbbells

Are you stronger than electromagnetism? O2 Magnetic Dumbbells, a pair of rings with embedded electromagnets, work in tandem to generate resistance as their ends repel, and challenge users to build muscle by fighting their...

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Walter White Hyperflesh Mask

$22,100 from Ebay »

Worn, signed, and sweated upon by Bryan Cranston himself. Also mingled in: the DNA of Jimmy Fallon and Common, whom the Breaking Bad star let take a turn in this Landon Meier Hyperflesh Walter White mask at Comic-Con...

Tinysaur Kits

Not so scary after all, are you T-Rex? Tinysaur Kits assemble from stamp-sized, laser-cut patterns into 1" behemoths of ancient earth in about 20 to 30 minutes. And although I just made it sound like they do that on their...

Reverse Peephole Viewer

$43.87 from Amazon »

Now here's something that should be illegal, but is instead available with free shipping on Amazon. The reverse peephole viewer, used appropriately by law enforcement personnel and inappropriately by 99% of all others...

Bodice Rocker - Pop-Up Lounger

Weebles wobble but they don't fall down, and Bodice Rockers fall down but they get right back up and stand just as tall as they did before. So I guess they're more similar to Rocky Balboa than Weebles. But they're not...

Talking Ron Burgundy Action Figure

Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline. Maybe so, Ron, but might I remind you what the studies show?...

Triposo Vibrating Navigation Belt

Discontinued

The more I think about the Triposo Travel Belt, a belt that connects to smartphones' Triposo navigation apps and vibrates on the left, right, front, or back of the body to indicate the direction the wearer is meant to...

Dish Whiskey

$16 from archer »

I'm not sure if a soap that smells of barrel-aged, charcoal-filtered whiskey will inspire me to do the dishes more often, but it will probably inspire me to to do that tie-dye lava milk experiment catalyzed by dish soap...

Powered Nail Trimmer

Battery-operated nail trimmer, um, no thank you, sir. Actually, my heart is pounding so fast and the knot snowballing in my stomach growing so large right now, I can't even muster the pleasantries. I'm just going to go...

Speed Chute - Resistance Training Parachute

$29.94 from Amazon »

What would be cool is if I could use SKLZ's Speed Chute to run from my mama's front entry vestibule, down the hall, through the living room, out the sliding doors, and off the back deck, and then float peacefully and...

Nibble Cake Pan

$19.99 from ThinkGeek »

Unless you're a complete tool, it's pretty hard to F up a cake mix. However, if you're attempting to bake a cake from scratch in an effort to show the apple of your eye how much you care/should get laid with an introductory...

$100 3D Printer

$97 - $389 from Peachy Printer »

At $100, the Peachy Printer appears to hold the current title of World's Least Expensive 3D printer. And that's $100 Canadian, so it's even less than 3 digits if you live in the US or Euroland. That said, what the plus-or-minus...

Boost Natural Energy - Oxygen in a Can

$10.20 from Amazon »

So they're selling air. And not even the far-out air that's been solidified into Aerogel, or the air sucked up by Mega Maid and officially licensed by Spaceball One, just plain old gaseous oxygen. In a can. Oh it's a...

One Size Fits All Toilet Seat

If you're elderly, overweight, pregnant, and suffering from irritable bowel syndrome, the Adjustable Advantage Toilet Seat was designed just for you! As a matter of fact, if any single one of the above descriptors applies...

Giant Lobster Hand Claws

$34.95 from Archie McPhee »

I believe all children with no existing physical or mental impairments who think they're hot little shits should be required to wear these giant lobster claws on their hands for a day to learn how it feels to be different...

Door Stop Alarm

$7.99 from Amazon »

This 120 dB door stop alarm could be good for traveling I guess, but if all the mean-spirited friends and family members I know figured out I was using one to protect my bedroom from their snooping eyes and fingers, I...

Levitron Lamps

$119.93 - $149.95 from Amazon »

When I was 8 or so my family got one of those tactile floor lamps for the living room. Touch it once to light it, twice to make it brighter, thrice to illuminate all, and four times to return the world to darkness. It...

Bizarro Fiction

$6.95 - $15.95 from Amazon »

Bizarro fiction author Cameron Pierce has won awards for his fantastical, trippy, borderline psychotic tales of what life could be like if we all made better use of our imaginations, and consumed many, many tabs of acid....

Bane Motorcycle Jacket

$580 from UD Replicas »

If you prefer to be the villain, hold a special place in your heart for Bane and his anesthetic tarantula-mouth mask, or just don't feel ballsy enough to wear the molded leather chest plate, gauntlets, and butt huggers...

Zip Tie

For anyone too hip, too lazy, or too caffeinated to tie a standard model, the Zip Tie provides an aesthetic and functional twist...or, rather, removal of the twist...on classic men's business wear. Slip your dome through...

Star Wars Lightsaber Thumb Wrestling

$10.08 from Amazon »

How do you declare a thumb war in Wookieespeak? Yeah, that's right, 1, 2, 3, Raaawwwrrr! Time to suit up, buckle down, and probably tie one on, Cornelius, because I challenge you to a lightsaber duel. From the knuckles...

Float Levitating Table

$10k - $20k from Rock Paper Robot »

Oh holy balls, it's a Rubik's Cube with the structural integrity of a marshmallow. In laymen's terms. In technical terms, the Float table is "a matrix of 'magnetized' wooden cubes that levitate with respect to one another."...

Magic Billet Boxes

$50 - $240 from Magic Billet Box »

A Magic Billet represents the assembly of solid, aircraft-grade aluminum and a magnetic locking system. Together, these outstanding components surreptitiously store my stash. Of gum. I have to hide it, you know. Ever...

Warplane Propeller Ceiling Fan

$271.80 from Amazon »

This warplane ceiling fan reminds me that I hate ceiling fans. For two reasons. First, once they're on it takes me 10 minutes to figure out how many times I have to pull the GD cord to turn them off. Click. It's slowing...

Phonebloks - Modular Cell Phones

Dave Hakkens has the perfect cell phone for you. Or rather, he has a Santa Claus sack of bloks you can use to build the perfect cell phone for you. It's called Phoneblok. It's genius. For as many reasons as bloks comprising...

VacuVita Food Preservation System

$149 - $179 from VacuVita »

VacuVita is a vacuum-powered food preservation system that sets itself apart by not requiring the purchase and use of special plastic bags that shrivel up around their contents and make all food look like animal intestines....

Mirror 180

$279 from GNR 8 »

The Mirror 180's joined splices allow it to tilt and reposition such that it reflects many a splendid thing. Namely, a more comprehensive view of me. One half of the mirror angles into 3 different positions, suiting a...

Settlers of Catan Socks

$14 from Beta Brand »

Betabrand's first production of Socks of Catan sold out in less than a week. So now would-be settlers of the feet sheaths must roll 7s until those who bought the socks by the dozen are forced to give back enough to replenish...

Invisible Glove Protective Hand Coating

$6.60 from Amazon »

My immediate impression is that applying BlueMagic Invisible Glove to my hands would feel like covering them in a thin layer of Elmer's Glue. That thought gives me the willies and makes me want to vomit. Maybe the Invisible...

Life-Size Stormtrooper Action Figure

$2,299.99 from Entertainment Earth »

My life-size Iron Man statue needs a buddy. Or a nemesis so I can choreograph elaborate sparring bouts for the two of them in my head. Or how about Tony Stark can be my super-ego and this 6' tall stormtrooper my id, and...

12-Foot Inflatable Animated Spider

$199.95 from Hammacher Schlemmer »

I don't know if I should be more afraid that this 12-foot-tall inflatable spider will bite me or force me to listen to it sing Broadway showtunes. It looks like Elvira mixed with Ursula the sea witch mixed with one of...

LED Dome Light Beanie

$23.99 from Amazon »

Athletic apparel brand Nathan's Dome Light beanie has a strip of LEDs on both its front and back sides so that other people can watch where I'm going and get out of my way. Because when dusk falls I'm usually otherwise...

Dragon Hoodie

$447 from Canada Cosplay »

I like it when objects can wholly encompass their descriptors both literally and figuratively. For example, previously dragons were hot due solely to their deadly breath of fire. But then Canada Cosplay decided to turn...

eleMMent Palazzo Land Yacht

$3 million from Marchi Mobile »

DeLoreans set the standard and all, but if I had to travel to and from the future today, I'd want to hit the space-time continuum in equal parts comfort, class, and automatic liftable flybridge lounge that self-converts...

Soup Sticks - Chopstick/Straw Combo

Not that I won't still slop flecks of Pho juice all over myself while eating the noodles, but at least Soup Sticks will eliminate the liquid deluge I incur when I've consumed all of its chunky bits and move to drink straight...

Patrol Ultralight Concept Aircraft

Impressively, Russian industrial designer Ekaterina Dekhtyarenko went from creating a stylized egg holder to conceptualizing and rendering a complete manned vehicle of flight (OK, she did do a hang-glider along the way...

X-Rated Fortune Cookies

$41.02 from Amazon »

Every time you masturbate, God chokes a kitten. I don't know if that bit of wisdom can be found in this Chinese to-go container of of X-Rated Fortune Cookies, but it should be a staple. Get your hands out of your pants...

Bosse Ergonomic Shovels

$79.99 - $89.99 from Amazon »

I'm not sure I approve of the Bosse Tools ethos. An ergonomic shovel for driving through dirt and clearing snow that precludes its users from walking away from the grunt work with tweaked backs, sore wrists, and gimp...

Concrete Wrist Watch

$399 from GSelect »

My 5th grade teacher often asked me if my head was filled with concrete, and at the time I got the sense it was an insult, but now that I see the beatific masterpiece that is 22 Design Studio's 4th Dimension Concrete...

Insulated Mug with Temperature Display

$31.83 from Amazon »

In these troubled and litigious times, it's just not realistic to expect people to determine whether a drink is hot or cold by tasting it. Also, the world loves LED technology. And hearts. Putting hearts on things is...

Paperback - iPhone Post-It Notes

$7.95 from I Love Handles »

Although I recently made the astute observation that no one uses pens to write things down anymore, now that these Paperback sticky notes will allow us to merge ink with our iPhones, it's possible some people will reacquire...

Pretentious Beer Glasses

$171 from Etsy »

A set of 5 beer glasses, each of which has been crafted explicitly to cater to the nuances of a particular style of beer, is kind of pretentious and off-putting, right? But what if the set also came with a sense of self-awareness...

Get in the Kitchen Bit@hes Cookbooks & Rubs

$7.99 - $14.95 from Bit@h Cooks »

I could never match skills, and for once am not even going to try to match wits, with Jason Bailin. Bailin is a man who endeavors to transplant other men from Chinese takeout vestibules to the kitchen by way of tough...

Towel Warmer

$101.99 from Amazon »

Pshhh. I don't need no stinkin' towel warmer. What am I, some kind of frageelay flower of a man who can't take a little cold air against his balls stepping out of the shower? Now I need a heated towel to protect my body...

Lubricheck Engine Oil Tester & Analyzer

$49.95 from Amazon »

I always thought my car required an oil change every 3,000 to 5,000 miles out of necessity, but according to Lubricheck, I shell out my precious duos of Andrew Jackson, 7th President of the United States and fellow Pisces...

Shine 24K Gold Rolling Papers

$49.95 from Amazon »

Shine and its 24K Gold rolling papers add a new action to the ever-growing list of Things You Can Do with Gold. Currently populated by: 1) Eat it; 2) Shit it; and 3) Buy expensive things with it, stoners and recreational...

Finger Soap

Sometimes people make things such as cookies that are supposed to look like fingers, and sometimes I see a carrot or parsnip in the store that sort of looks like a gnarled witch finger, but never before this set of finger...

Heavy Doody #2 Odor Eliminator

$14.95 from Amazon »

Heavy Doody cannot hide the fact that I washed down 3 bowls of Honey Badger BBQ chili with one of those German hefeweizens that tastes like bananas, or that I've been in the bathroom for 18 minutes, or the sounds I am...

POLAR Modular Magnet Pen

Sold Out from Amazon »

POLAR. It's a pen. It's a stylus. It's a tool. It's a toy. And it won't even F up your phone and credit cards*! The modular writing implement, made of 12 cylindrical neodymium magnets stacked over a Pilot ink cartridge...