SpreadThat! Heated Butter Knife

$19.95 from Amazon »

I have to say, as superfluous to life as a heated butter spreader is, it would be kind of nice to have a SpreadThat! when I slice off a brick of ice cold Land O'Lakes and then mangle the ever-loving churned bovine secretions...

Trigger Glow-in-the-Dark Knife Kit

$9.25 from Klecker Knives »

Klecker Knives gets the kids wielding folding lock-backs young. Their Trigger knife kit, edition glow-in-the dark, aspires to teach children ages 7 and up how to build their own pocket blade model. Now at first I wondered...

Wall-Mounted Shark Bottle Opener

$38.50 from Hot Rockin' Belle »

Welcome to Shark Week 2014. Well, we're mere hours from its launch anyway. And you know you're going to want to crack a brew at 8/7 Central Time tonight when things officially kick off. Too late to use this wicked wall-mounted...

Hammerhead - Bike Navigation System

$85 from Hammerhead »

Shark Week loyalists already know that the hammerhead group boasts enhanced sensory receptors and maneuvering skills. Plus, its butt ugly face, which looks to have been on the receiving end of a Bugs Bunny self-defense...

Trioh Beauteous Flashlight

$49.99 from Amazon »

I guess if you're going to call yourself the most beautiful something in the world, being a flashlight is a pretty safe bet. What other flashlight is going to challenge you? A Maglight? One of those chunky neon yellow...

Self-Watering Animal Planters

$22.99 from Amazon »

Oh crap. These are adorable. Every girl I know is getting a self-watering cat planter this Christmas. It looks like Hello Kitty and sits in a cup and sucks up water through its tail. What girl wouldn't freak out in a...

Chainmail Shoes

$235 - $260 from GoSt Barefoots »

I suppose calling theses shoes PaleoBarefoots appeals to a wider market, given the current eat-and-function-like-a-caveman craze popularized by the likes of CrossFit and Mark Sisson, but Chainmail Shoes sounds so much...

Handmaster Hand Exerciser

$15.95 from Amazon »

It's not the first thing that comes to mind when I think of a Handmaster, but I dig what this banded ball brand of Handmaster has to offer too. Strengthening both the gripping and the expanding muscles of the fingers...

Combat Daddy Equipment Diaper Bag

$119.95 from Amazon »

The Combat Daddy Equipment diaper bag: no Skoda Man Pram is complete without one. Combat Daddy Equipment's Model 1 carry-all for fathers who drew the short straw and have to take their kids to the park...or stay at home...

3-Day All-Inclusive Zombie Survival Kit

$95 from Amazon »

Sick of hearing about the Zombie Apocalypse? Me too. I'm also sick of hearing about how pretty soon my mama's going to kick me out of her house and stop paying for my cell phone bill and all of my chips and cereal, thus...

Amiigo Fitness Tracker

$99 - $119 from Amiigo »

What if you had a tiny device to track your reps, sets, duration, speed, and intensity? Would you work out more? Would you work out harder? Yeah, me neither, but I'd use it to barter with a strong, fit person who actually...

Coleman Camp Oven

$26.59 from Amazon »

Why cook up homemade biscuits & gravy in your underwear in the kitchen this weekend when you can use Coleman's Camp Oven to make them buck naked in the great outdoors? Set atop a 2- or 3-burner camping stove, the aluminized...

Hydro Flask Insulated Beer Growler

$42.34 - $49.95 from Amazon »

Ahhh, nothing promotes the merger of exercise and beer drinking like summertime. Hydro Flask, makers of traditional BPA-free insulated water bottles, also have a 64-ounce insulated beer growler in their collection....

Waterfall Soap Saver

$5.55 from Amazon »

I like this Waterfall Soap Saver's simple idea for making my Zest last longer, and also for preventing it from getting that slimy Gulf of Mexico catfish skin it always acquires when left to sit in its own wet glycerin-ness....

Muzzleshot Tactical Shot Glass

$34.95 - $199.95 from Muzzleshot »

A few months ago I would have been all over the Muzzleshot, a tactical shot glass crafted in the likeness of M16A2 weapons' flash hider. But after a recent, constitution-crushing experience with Fireball in DC, I'm sticking...

Mouse Taxidermy Kit

$49.69 from Firebox.com »

I hate to throw out a perfectly good dead mouse. It just seems like an anti-climactic payoff for the money I spend on traps and cheese. I'm glad to hear the people of London agree. According to Firebox, mouse taxidermy...

6' MFi-Certified iOS Lightning Cable

This lightning cable for charging iOS and Android devices is 6' long. That's great news for the 80% of my city's population that plug their phones into random dusty corner outlets in bars and restaurants and waiting rooms...

Giant Inflatable Penis Costume

$33.56 from Amazon »

Something tells me that 90% of the time someone buys a Giant Inflatable Penis Costume, it's to give to someone else. But what's wrong with wanting to walk around dressed as a 7-foot tall penis yourself? I mean, I act...

Spectator Cooler Chair

$41.75 from Amazon »

There's nothing I want more after traipsing through the whirling dust and scorching sun of a summer festival than a seat, a cold beer, and maybe one of my mama's chicken salad sandwiches. So I'm glad to see there's a...

Amazon Fire TV Streaming Media Player

$99 from Amazon »

At first I wasn't sure if it was a good idea for Amazon to spend 42 seconds of its 60-second Fire TV video promo filming Gary Busey talking to his lamp, his pants, and his living room dinner bell, but in the end I had...

Super Splitting Axe

$33.64 - $49.97 from Amazon »

It's not that I don't like trees, it's just that sometimes they really piss me off and I feel compelled to take a few swings at them with my powerful axe. I think this serves as an appropriate warning and encourages them...

Pure Therapy Head & Eye Massager

$199.99 from Amazon »

Take off the Oculus Rift and give your head and eyes a break from the cranio-ophthalmological strain of VR gaming. Slip on this...thing that looks a lot like the Oculus Rift, and feel your tension and fatigue slip away...

Picnic Trolley

$650 from Pro Idee »

The Picnic Trolley is like a food truck that holds just enough food for ME! And maybe my friend Cornelius. And I guess my mama since she'll probably be the one who cooks it....

Acoustically Transparent Hoodie

$142.20 from Beta Brand »

Audio engineer Nic Pope designed a hoodie for in the studio, on stage, at festivals, and while walking down the street in oversized headphones. He's calling it the Audio Engineer's Hoodie. Pope provides a rundown of special...

Blumoo Bluetooth Universal Remote

$84.99 from blumoo »

A TV-B-Gone kit for the pranksters and boob tube haters who want to shut it down, a Blumoo for the electronics whores who want to crank it up and control all of their home theater gadgetry from the gadgetry of their smartphone....

Otis Tactical Cleaning System

$35.96 from Amazon »

This Otis tactical pouch reminds me of that classic TV trope. A teenage boy awkwardly heads to the front door to pick up a teenage girl for their first date, and when he walks in the house there sits her dad. Cleaning...

Blobfish Plush

$14.99 from ThinkGeek »

Snuggle up with God's ugliest creature. It's true. The blobfish wins all the Most Horrific Beast on the Planet contests, and as I've previously mentioned here, I think it might be my curse to be reincarnated as one. Legend...

The Bad Banana

$100 from Hobby Search »

Everyone knows that Japanese people are out of their fucking minds a little bit eccentric when it comes to... everything, but that's why we love them. This streaking flashing banana, I think, captures that eccentricity...

FLIP Throwable Spectral Light

$425 from NONDesigns »

I saw lights like those emitted from the FLIP tactile luminaire last night. Many, many lights. Prismatic shards of color beaming above my head and through my jugular to the beat of mmmchuck, mmmchuck, mmmchuck. People...

Hot Wheels Car Maker

$49.43 from Amazon »

Hot Wheels aren't exactly cost-prohibitive so I'll still probably just buy a few when I get a hankering to dick around with toy cars at work, but for the kiddos and handy Daddy-Os out there who dig doing things themselves...

Adventure Medical Kits Trauma Pack

$20.89 from Amazon »

When I was 6 years old my babysitter forced me to sit on a skateboard with her and roll down the ominously steep street on which we lived. About halfway to the bottom my suspicions that her idea was a terrible one and...

Automatic Japanese Noodle Maker

No need to knead, noodle lovers. Or mix, feed, or crank for that matter. Just pour water, flour, egg...and whatever other edible Eastern magic creates the kinky deliciousness that is ramen...into the Philips Noodle Maker...

The Most Accurate Watch in the World

$199.99 from Watchismo »

While seemingly morbid and in poor taste at first glance, The Accurate--a Mr. Jones Watch--intends to serve as a reminder of our fleeting seconds, minutes, and hours on earth. Its dial and rim are even mirrored so that...

TMNT Nightlights

$43.89 - $49 from Amazon »

Cowabunga Bogeyman! These Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle nightlights--3D deco lights to be precise--don't look quite as grand as the Krang belt buckle, but I guess it fits the Hero's Narrative that Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo...

Micro Butterfly RC Plane

While being on the receiving end of a buzzing, pesky winged bug's attentions can prompt minor fits of rage, I feel like if I could control the insect, and make it evoke these sentiments and actions from those who are...

Blood Bath Wallpaper

$53 from Pixers »

Huh. Now this is interesting. And by "interesting" I mean, "I really hope I never show up to someone's house and see an entire room wallpapered in blood splatters." That's, like, some psycho housewife shit. Some Kathy...

Russian Roulette for Amateurs

$19.01 from Amazon »

Since most of us would rather be wet than dead, this water balloon variation on Russian Roulette is likely to generate a bit more participation and enthusiasm as a try-your-luck party game than its bullet-based counterpart....

Breaking Bad Blue Glass Meth Candy

Sold Out from Etsy »

Let's preface this pimp of Danilo Buendia's Breaking Bad Blue Glass Meth Rock Candy with the obvious: rock candy is pretty easy to make oneself. Even Blue Glass rock candy. Certainly easier than Blue Glass meth, and probably...

The Sledgehammer - Manual Hard Drive Crusher

Sold Out from Amazon »

Oh the satisfaction I would feel crushing ex-hard drives beneath the drill bit fist of Secured Engineered Machinery's Sledgehammer. It would be almost as gratifying as cruising by an ex-girlfriend who dumped me stranded...

Jaws Skirt

$45.99 from Etsy »

Did anyone who left the theater after seeing Jaws for the first time not exit with a newly-acquired fear of sharks, and a newly-acquired need of a new pair of pants? I'm pretty sure Spielberg's decision to make a movie...

C U Next Tuesday Mug

$14.95 from Amazon »

Oh the C word. My friends Constantine, Bartholomew, and I all agree it's pretty much the worst in the English language. Definitely the most heinous mud you can sling at someone. Which makes this C U Next Tuesday, or UNT...

Daft Punk Thomas Helmet

$500 from Etsy »

Ways to maintain popularity and credibility over the course of 20 years in the music industry: 1) Keep making good music; 2) Wear badass LED costumes from the future. Mauricio Santoro pays homage to the Thomas half of...

Carbon Fiber Bathtub

$67,500 from Carbon Fiber Gear »

If they were going put the effort into creating a bathtub out of airplane and race car materials, couldn't they have made it look like an airplane or race car? Not that I wouldn't still clamor to spend some QT in Corcel's...

General Grievous Sixth Scale Figure

$337.99 from Amazon »

You and your Armies of the Confederacy aren't so scary at 1/6th your size, are you General? Whoa. What?! Did you just swing one lightsaber in each hand and a third in your left foot at me, Grievous? Crap. You have fully-articulated...

Color-Changing LED Light Bulb with Remote

$8.86 - $15.42 from Amazon »

Some acid trip mood lighting to complement your acid trip pillow? Together, they're guaranteed to satiate seekers of a psychedelic, yet drug-free lifestyle. And since HitLights' color-changing LED bulbs come with a remote...

Bubble Wrap Suit

$14.99 from ThinkGeek »

I wonder if they ship it packed in porcelain. Though an official nod to Dude, Where's My Car? UFO cultists and their leader, Zoltan, the Bubble Wrap Suit really transcends circa 2000 stoner flick pigeon holes in its practicality...

Minecraft Light-Up Torch

$34.99 from ThinkGeek »

My 12-year-old nephew plays Minecraft all day long. I'm not exaggerating. I got him a lime green Minecraft Creeper Beanie for Christmas. So that if he ever decides to stop playing Minecraft and go outside his ears won't...

Quirky Apple Cord Management Kit

Inventors' site Quirky has a set of funky organizational doohickeys here for your Apple devices. It's cord management mad scientist-style. The 5 accessories included in the kit help keep everything form earbud cords to...

Treadmill Rock Wall

I feel like the Treadwall--a rock wall on a treadmill-style conveyor belt--might be the ultimate example of something that appears to be really easy, but in practice makes 80% of its users look like complete assholes....

Dragon Sink Faucet

$58 from Amazon »

I can hardly stand the anticipation. Game of Thrones. Season 4. Less than a week away. I might pee my pants. Hey! Someone turn off that dragon sink faucet! It's not helping my continence! Hey, wait...a dragon sink faucet?...

gStick: The Pen Mouse

$27 - $57 from gnov8 »

Hold it like a pen, use it like a mouse, make the stuff you draw on your computer look less like it was birthed by the hand of someone who just chased a triple espresso macchiato with a Red Bull. Gordon Stewart designed...

USB Lighter with Counterfeit Bill Detector

$15 from Brando »

This USB lighter with a UV light for counterfeit bill detection should be a pretty sweet combo for drug dealers. Get handed a $100, see it's a fake on the spot, burn it to bits, kick the scammer's ass to next Tuesday...

Oreo Cookie Dipper

$5.59 from Amazon »

Talk about the gift that keeps on giving. From stocking to cookie, and from cookie to belly, my friend. The Dipr solves the age-old calamity of sandwich cookies lost to murky emulsions of fat and protein. Oreos doing...

LumaTank - Edge Lit Fish Tank

Sold Out from Amazon »

Betta fish have all the luck. They enjoy a completely acceptable sedentary lifestyle of floating and feeding, they never have to share their personal space with other fish, and now, thanks to Rob Young and Denny Curtis...

Glow-in-the-Dark Mushroom Garden

$19.95 from Amazon »

Do you have a (glow-in-the-dark, searing lime) green thumb? Do you want one? We can't promise this bioluminescent mushroom habitat kit comes with brownie recipes and resultant rainbow vision, but even without the magical...

The Best Shots You've Never Tried

$12.46 from Amazon »

Shots. In addition to proving (or destroying) your manhood, they are also the best way to clear out random bottles of crème de cacao, orange bitters, and Lillet Blanc from the back of your liquor cabinet. Seattle mixologist...

Lumi - Sunlight-Printed Fabric Kit

$30 from Lumi »

My brother used to screen print T-shirts. He made me one with a Charlie Brown-looking assembly of twigs and a lone ornament that said, Merry Christmas Plant a Tree. And another with Danielle Fishel's face that said, Topanga...

Fuffr Phone Case - Make Any Surface a Trackpad

By: Fuffr »

Control your phone using the dining room table. The kitchen counter. Your girlfriend's stomach (sometimes dropping $1,200 on private Pilates lessons does pay off, 'ey?) Fuffr, a forthcoming case for iPhones, busts through...

Burnt Stay Puft Marshmallow Man Bank

2014 marks the 30th anniversary of the original Ghostbusters' big screen release. Yeah, I know. I can't believe you're that old either. So obviously enterprising capitalists are making to capitalize on the Who ya gonna...

Garmin Foretrex Hiking GPS

$169.99 from Amazon »

Not that I really want to go outside at all until June rolls back around, but if in February Bear Grylls were to invite me on a televised trekking adventure like he did Deion Sanders, I would probably get Garmin's Foretrex...

Cybertecture Mirror

The Cybertecture Mirror allows us to gaze simultaneously upon the two things we like gazing upon best: the Internet and ourselves. A glass reflection of both beatific mugs, and streaming Web content, the futuristic mirror...

Lock Pick Earrings

$34.99 from Etsy »

I don't know if I'd be more turned on by or afraid of a girl wearing lock pick earrings. I mean, if she knows how to use them, that's hot. But if she knows how to use them...uh...I mean I have like $1,200 in unpaid parking...

Freddy Krueger Animated Chest of Souls Sweater

1, 2, Freddy's comin' for you. 3, 4 better lock the door. 5, 6 get a crucifix.... My sister let me watch A Nightmare on Elm Street when I was 5 and I think it made me wet the bed in fear every night for like 3 months...

Cremation Ash Diamonds

$3,499 from LifeGem »

From ashes to ashes...to bedazzled ashes. Gone are the days of keeping the deceased in our hearts. In their place? Keeping the deceased around our fingers, atop our wrists, or dangling from our necks. LifeGem diamonds...

Automatic Cordless Tire Inflator

It's like a cordless drill, except desirable for use on a tire. That is, when applied the automatic inflator will shoot air into the tire instead of puncturing it and letting air out. Though using a cordless drill for...

TWIKE - 50 MPH Pedal/Motor Trike

$32k - $42,700 from TWIKE »

What about this TWIKE-mobile am I missing? I mean, sure, a dual electric/manpowered vehicle controlled by a joystick is kind of a nifty novelty. And that the German trike that could can achieve speeds of 50 mph with the...