SingStand Home Karaoke System

$79.99 from Amazon »

I'm not much of a singer but I do enjoy going to the karaoke bar and singing Clarence Carter's smash hit "Strokin'" for all the ladies every now and again. Seems like I'm always one upped by a stocky guy in a flannel...

Executive Knight Pen Holder

$29.99 from ThinkGeek »

Your Paper Mate Fine Point Rollerball, my Lord. Yeah. That's how all men of my stature should be handed their pens. Though maybe I would have my bowing-in-reverence Executive Knight hold an UZI Defender tactical model...

Wally Home Hazard Sensing System

Nothing says Happy Holidays like a frozen pipe exploding in the basement! Made better only by the residual moisture it leaves and resultant mold you discover come spring. Wally is a home hazard sensing system devised...

Bronze Elfin Dragon Ear Wrap

$89 from Marty Magic »

A higher quality and US-made alternative to this dragon earring, Marty Magic's Elfin Dragon Ear Wrap is cast in bronze and finely detailed with the elegant wings, formidable scales, and flaring nostrils we've come to...

Nano Light Mini LED Flashlight Keychain

$5.99 from Amazon »

I wouldn't typically brag about something I have that's only 1.47" long, but when it comes to a powerful flashlight I want to attach to my keychain or dangle from my belt loop Streamlight's Nano Light actually gets points...

How to Cook Everything Fast

$18.30 from Amazon »

I think cooking is cool as long as I'm on the receiving end of its spoils. For example, I like fried chicken, smoked brisket, homemade croissants, lasagna, apple hand pies, and those cheesy potatoes with Corn Flakes on...

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Whisker Dam Mustache Protector

$20 from Whisker Dam »

They say it's like an umbrella for your face. And also that it's the best dam invention for keeping your whiskers dry. The Whisker Dam sits over a pint of beer (or milk, or triple mocha with extra whipped cream) and prevents...

Afterburner iPhone 6 Battery Case

$40 - $44 from DudeIWantThat.com »

Afterburner cases for iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus super-juice the devices with a 150% charge. Inserting your phone will transform it kind of like raising a sword to the sky transforms Prince Adam into He-Man. Except the...

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Botta-Design NOVA Watch

Giveaway: Botta-Design NOVA Watch

Do you believe in spans of time, not points in time? The big picture more than the details? Or do you just want a really slick modern timepiece from a German physicist-turned-industrial-designer? Then click here and enter...

Ultraloud Titanium Emergency Whistle

$19.95 from Amazon »

One more reason not to whistle at a lady: she might whistle back at you. At 120 decibels like a mother f'ing banshee. NiteCore's NWS10 claims to be the loudest emergency whistle on the market. Based on the above YouTube...

Tequila Mockingbird: Cocktails with a Literary Twist

$8.92 from Amazon »

English majors and word nerds, get your snorts and snickers ready. And everyone else rolling your eyes, get your glasses ready. I'm sure Tequila Mockingbird: Cocktails with a Literary Twist will seem hilarious to you...

Zipper LED Light & Bottle Opener

$8.01 from Amazon »

How about a zipper LED light and bottle opener to complement your zipper knife? One for the jacket zipper, the other for the hoodie zipper, and just like that, instant readiness to light the way back home, crack open...

Waffle & Cookie Bowl Maker

$17.36 from Amazon »

The best part about the Bella Waffle Bowl Maker--I mean aside from the fact that it's a glorious device from heaven that makes waffle bowls--is that it also makes...are you ready?...COOKIE BOWLS. Sometimes when I'm having...

The Dragon Sex Calendar

I can't believe it! Just yesterday I was thinking about cartoon sex--albeit between people, not dragons--and today I find a whole calendar of cartoon sex stills! And you know what: I think the thinking thinks even better...

Electronic Neck Massager

$59.99 from Amazon »

Buying a specialized electronic neck massager is way cheaper than buying a whole electronic massage chair. And although I am sometimes tempted to tell my mama to go right ahead when she threatens to wring my neck just...

GateKeeper Automatic PC/Mac Lock

$59.99 from Amazon »

GateKeeper is a small keyfob that automatically locks your computer when you walk away from it and unlocks it when you return. The GK's USB Lock plugs into a PC or Mac port, users carry its Key on their person, and the...

Single Sentence Film Summary T-Shirts

$28 from Fab »

You might think cinematic masterpieces such as Rocky, Star Wars, Back to the Future, and The Karate Kid are too densely packed with plot and profundity to encapsulate in just one sentence, but Mike Joyce's Stereotype...

Cryptex Security Boxes

$275 - $3k from Cryptex »

Talk about usable art. Justin Nevins' Cryptex Security Boxes might be the most compelling pieces of Keep Your Mitts Off My Stuff I've seen all year. Tactical shelving and hidden doors included. The designer hand makes...

Gerber Money Clip with Blade

$23.99 from Amazon »

As a self defense money clip, Gerber's GDC Money Clip makes a little more sense than this one. Rather than requiring the carrier to remove his money to use it, the GDC sidekick has a 1.75" fine edge stainless steel blade...

BackJoy Posture & Back Comfort Seat

$29.98 - $31.35 from Amazon »

A butt cup? Ten years ago I would have laughed my ass off if someone offered me one. But now that I'm old and decrepit with postural kyphosis and chronic low back pain, that laughing ass can't wait to plop itself down...

Limefuel 20,000mAh Dual USB Battery Pack

$34.99 from DudeIWantThat.com »

Upgrade. LimeFuel has funneled another 5,000mAh of charging power into its Lite USB battery pack, so now you can juice up to the flow of 20,000mAh on the go. It's kind of like dating a really hot girl and then once she...

Denali 115-Piece Home Repair Tool Kit

Sold Out from Amazon »

I feel like giving men tool kits as gifts is sort of like giving women exercise equipment: it's the ultimate passive aggressive way to take a dig. In this case, "Hey, do some chores," instead of, "Hey, lose some weight."...

Personal Radiation Detector

$18 from Amazon »

The RADTriage Radiation Detector is a U.S. Military-grade personal dosimeter, which I need because the homeless guy outside my office is always warning me about how the government is secretly allowing high levels of radiation...

The Bacon Jams

$14.99 from The Bacon Jams »

Bacon jam is kind of like peanut butter: intended as a spread or topping, but inevitably eaten by the spoonful standing at the kitchen counter. Preserved pork advocates The Bacon Jams are happy to oblige either method...

Damascus Dragon Gyuto Chef Knife

$119.37 from Amazon »

I don't chop onions or slice cucumbers, I slay them with a 67-layer damascus dragon pattern! This Japanese stainless steel knife is super sharp and clad in everyone's favorite hip-yet-medieval-sounding steel: damascus....

KeySmart Compact Key Holder

$27.99 from Amazon »

This Swiss Army tool will grant you access to Warren Buffett's safe deposit box, Chuck Norris' weapons stash, and Angelina Jolie's sex toy box. I mean, if you have the key and all. The KeySmart is a keychain designed...

Batarang Boomerangs

$55 - $199 from Boomerangs By Vic »

Vic Poulin has invented some Batarangs that just might indicate whether or not you're actually qualified to be Batman. His advanced returning Batarang boomerangs, available in standard 14" and Big Daddy 25" lengths, aren't...

USB Travel Razor

$18.99 from DudeIWantThat.com »

While the trend these days seems to be giving up shaving altogether, ShaveTech has an alternative for you: just give up your charger. Their smartphone-sized electric razor has a handy fold-out USB port for easy charging...

Liquid Image EGO Action Camera

While it's somewhat depressing that the most action I get anymore is with a camera, at least the ones like Liquid Image's EGO are low maintenance, always up for adventure, and outfitted with a, ahem, versatile array of...

Cold Steel War Hammer

$55 from Amazon »

The Cold Steel War Hammer is for striking, piercing, crushing, and bludgeoning opponents. Hopefully opponents that are, say, drywalls scheduled for demo and sides of beef purchased from your local farmer's market, not...

Self Defense Money Clip

$10.84 from Amazon »

A self defense money clip. Huh. Is that a good idea? Seems like an attacker might consider your money, like, his primary reason for attacking you, and if he got it all tidily stored in a lightweight clip of durable aluminum...

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Black Zirconium & Copper Ring

Giveaway: Black Zirconium & Copper Ring

Why should the ladies get all the jewelry from Father Christmas and Daddy Sugar this year? Dudes, here's your chance to walk away from the tree with your own glistening finger gem, this one forged from slick black zirconium...

CashStash Waterproof Emergency Cash Capsule

Sold Out from Amazon »

A backup $20. A lucky $2 bill. An extra hundo juuust in case I'm too drunk to realize she's going to charge me for these services. The True Utility CashStash is a waterproof capsule sized to fit a keyring and hold a single...

LifeBox UltraCharge Power Bank & Car Jump Starter

$49.99 from Amazon »

The LifeBox UltraCharge is a 3-in-1 companion for times when cruising the open road turns into getting stuck on the side of the road. Its 10,000 mAH battery serves as both a charger for electronics, plus a jump starter...

Keewifi Tap & Connect Secure Router

$69 - $99 from Keewifi »

The Keewifi router boasts the performance and security of standard password-protected routers without the frustrating configuration processes and assigned passwords. When you want to browse or stream from a device, or...

Zip Blade Zipper Knife

$8.40 from Amazon »

This 0.68" fine edge utility blade has enough pluck to strip wire, cut cardboard, and slice through clamshell packaging. I bet it could even slash open the zipper it's hanging from when it gets stuck, like, every third...

Schweddy Balls Peanut Butter Malt Balls

Sold Out from Amazon »

No one can resist Pete's Schweddy Balls. They come from an old family recipe. Delicate and toothsome with a moist, chewy center, Schweddy Balls will put all other balls you've ever put in your mouth to shame. With their...

Bondic Instant Liquid Plastic Adhesive

$7.99 from Amazon »

The future of glue is...not a glue! That's Bondic's battle cry anyway. According to its creators, the world's first Liquid Plastic Welder works anywhere glue does, plus anywhere glue fails like a stoner playing Whac-A-Mole....

Santaur Ornament

$12.39 from Amazon »

Looks like the reindeer are out of a job. Santaur can fly his own damn sleigh, what with this new quad of furry legs and a pile of Greek mythology backing him now. Also new to the Santa Claus table: guns and a 6-pack....

Leatherman Skeletool Multitool

$95.92 from Amazon »

The Skeletool CX trims the fat of multitools that may be equally useful, but pack too many implements, and too much weight into their frame. Leatherman keeps it light and low-profile with an EDC item outfitted only with...

Holiday Gift Guide: For Ladies

Ladies. Why is it that I find it so difficult to shop for them, yet they seem to have no trouble at all shopping for themselves? Every time I try to buy the perfect gift for my mama or the girl at my local ice cream store...

Hybrid Stand Up/Sit Down Paddleboard

Sold Out from Amazon »

Stand up paddleboarding is super fun! Unless you lack the balance, core strength, and stamina of an Olympic athlete, in which case it's super fun for the first 15 minutes, and a shit show of falling into water, heaving...

Lock Laces - Elastic No-Tie Shoelaces

$7.99 from Amazon »

One time when I was a kid I was at the mall with my mama rocking a pair of K-Swiss and one of my shoelaces came untied shortly before we got onto the down escalator. The ride itself went fine, but when I stepped off at...

Uranium Ore

$39.95 from Amazon »

This jar of Uranium Ore--or, as I like to call it, Instant Mutant Candy--contains real samples of NORM, Naturally Occurring Radioactive Materials. Each container's label lists its contents' Counts Per Minute activity...

Invisible Bluetooth Earpiece

$17.99 from DudeIWantThat.com »

It doesn't have a black leather or bamboo casing like Motorola's Moto Hint wireless earbuds, but this Invisible Bluetooth earpiece still maintains comfort, voice clarity, and complete discretion. Its lightweight, ergonomic...

Proof: The Science of Booze

$18.52 from Amazon »

Proof: Booze Makes Everything Better. No, not really. Well I mean, yes, that's really true of course, but it's not really the name of the book. Proof: The Science of Booze is its accurate title. But I'm pretty sure that...

Shrine Sneaker Duffel

$185 from The Shrine »

Dirty, germy shoes nestled against your white shirts and boxer briefs. Not cool. Neither is cramming your sneakers in a bag's slim outer pocket and having them come back out all misshapen and degraded. In response to...

Silhouette Sense-Enhancing Wine Glass

$45.95 from Amazon »

Though the Silhouette wine glass appears to be designed to make the wine drinking process less difficult and embarrassing for people with inordinately large noses, its true benefits extend to proboscises of all sizes....