Beach

Ostrich Chaise Lounge

$52.99 from Amazon »

Normally the idea of burying one's head in the sand carries a negative connotation, but in the case of this beach-ready lounge chair, pulling an ostrich will produce nothing but the pleasant results of full-body comfort...

Matador Pocket Blanket

$24.99 from Amazon »

Good news! We are now 75% through with winter! I mean, probably. I mostly just made that number up, but it sounds about right. Spring comes in March doesn't it? (At least for those of us who didn't anger God by cheating...

Sand-Free Beach Mat

$34.95 - $99.95 from Amazon »

I would like it very much if CGear's Sand-Free Multimat stayed sand-free by emitting an invisible dome barrier that repelled...no, forcefully rejected all granular compounds...and children...that got within a foot of...

PowerShade Solar-Powered Beach Umbrella

$149 - $219 from PowerShade »

I can hear the naysaying negative Nellies now: The beach is for disconnecting!; Can't you enjoy nature for an hour without your laptop?; Why don't you just stay home, A-hole? Um, because I would like to get a tan, and...

Shark Repellent Rash Guard

Discontinued

Though most people would probably rather get burnt by the sun than bitten by a shark, both injuries are pretty bad these days. Take your pick on which one leads to a slow, tortuous death, or having flesh ripped away from...

Planet Earth Globe Fire Pit

Ahhh, a globe-shaped fire pit whose flaming cutouts are our planet Earth's continents. Just like my grandma always said: the next time the world goes down, it's going down in flames. This sinister piece of social commentary...

SeaDuction Floating Cabanas

No one complain that SeaDuction's amphibious cabanas are available only at tropical resorts, and not for public purchase, because I know that even if they were up for general grabs, all I would hear is more complaints:...

Oversized Microfiber Beach Blanket

$39.99 from Amazon »

I know. I'm thinking it too. Boy is that a huge beach towel. And boy to the power of a hundred does that lady look lonely lying on it all by herself. What happens when she gets up to cool off and splash around adorably...

Focal Mogo - The Human Kickstand

$99 from Amazon »

Mogo is a portable seat. It folds. It does not weigh very many pounds. It functions indoors and out, on grass, concrete, and sand alike. Mogo looks like a peg leg extending from your butt. Or what might happen when the...

Giant Cockroach Float

$29.95 from Amazon »

Don't worry. The makers of the Giant Cockroach assure us that, like sexy time toys and weight loss pills, your 6-foot-tall, 40-inch-wide pool float crafted in the image of the country's most reviled vermin will ship in...

Ice Cream Sandwich Pool Float

$20.28 from Amazon »

In a sweeping gesture of whimsy and irony, this ice cream sandwich will help you to float along the water's sparkling surface rather than bloat your gut with dairy and sugar and drop you like a sack of...ice cream sandwiches...to...

Water Hammock

$23.82 from Amazon »

This is what I'm dreaming of. Swimming pool season. Lazing in a water hammock. Hot blondes in little black bikinis. (The brunette in the little white one isn't bad either.) Over the hump of winter now, I can see it. All...

Doctor Who TARDIS Beach Towel

$23.99 from Amazon »

The TARDIS' last launch through the Time Vortex seems to have rendered the vessel two-dimensional. And...terry cloth. But a TARDIS Beach Towel is great news for pool and beach bums in search of the summer's definitive...

Insta-Kilt Towel

$18.99 - $29.95 from Amazon »

I've been wondering would there ever be a way, when I'm extracting sand and the salty ocean from my crevices, or toweling off after a shower, that I could feel as if I'm traipsing through the Scottish Highlands, communing...

Cremation Ash Fireworks Memorial

$5,500 from Angels Flight »

Out with a bang indeed. Angels Flight's sunset fireworks displays put the memorable in memorial service, commemorating recently-passed loved ones with spectrally brilliant explosives made from their cremated remains....

Giant Inflatable Beach Ball

$91.99 from Amazon »

In a sweeping display of calling a duck a duck, the makers of this plastic sphere that balloons to 10 feet in diameter when injected with air have named their creation: Giant Inflatable Beach Ball. And truly, when I look...

Crime Scene Beach Towel

Sold Out from Amazon »

Perfect for a long lazy nap on the beach after a 12 pack of duff beer the night before. It measures a full 30" x 60" and is made of a super absorbent velour. Velour! I've always wanted to drape myself in velour....