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Tuesday, April 8, 2014
$16.38 from Amazon »

This is what I'm dreaming of. Swimming pool season. Lazing in a water hammock. Hot blondes in little black bikinis. (The brunette in the little white one isn't bad either.) Over the hump of winter now, I can see it. All I...

Wednesday, April 24, 2013
$27 - $99.95 from Amazon »

I would like it very much if CGear's Sand-Free Multimat stayed sand-free by emitting an invisible dome barrier that repelled...no, forcefully rejected all granular compounds...and children...that got within a foot of it. But...

Tuesday, July 23, 2013
$29 from BoatsToGo.com »

Though most people would probably rather get burnt by the sun than bitten by a shark, both injuries are pretty bad these days. Take your pick on which one leads to a slow, tortuous death, or having flesh ripped away from random parts of your body. Seriously. Has anyone ever had a suspicious mole or skin spot removed? They dig that shit out. The point is, this wildly-patterned, red-hued beach shirt...

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Ahhh, a globe-shaped fire pit whose flaming cutouts are our planet Earth's continents. Just like my grandma always said: the next time the world goes down, it's going down in flames. This sinister piece of social commentary...

Tuesday, August 13, 2013
$80 from Focal »

Mogo is a portable seat. It folds. It does not weigh very many pounds. It functions indoors and out, on grass, concrete, and sand alike. Mogo looks like a peg leg extending from your butt. Or what might happen when the idiomatic...

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

No one complain that SeaDuction's amphibious cabanas are available only at tropical resorts, and not for public purchase, because I know that even if they were up for general grabs, all I would hear is more complaints: "Cool...but not $15,000 cool," and "$15,000 for a raft and some coolers?!" and "I'll stick with my $4.99 floaties from Target, thank you very much." And anyway, I'm sure if you contacted...

Wednesday, June 6, 2012
$24.20 from Amazon »

The TARDIS' last launch through the Time Vortex seems to have rendered the vessel two-dimensional. And...terry cloth. But a TARDIS Beach Towel is great news for pool and beach bums in search of the summer's definitive piece...

Saturday, June 23, 2012
$18.99 - $29.95 from Amazon »

I've been wondering would there ever be a way, when I'm extracting sand and the salty ocean from my crevices, or toweling off after a shower, that I could feel as if I'm traipsing through the Scottish Highlands, communing...

Saturday, June 16, 2012
$129.95 from Amazon »

In a sweeping display of calling a duck a duck, the makers of this plastic sphere that balloons to 10 feet in diameter when injected with air have named their creation: Giant Inflatable Beach Ball. And truly, when I look at...

Friday, April 6, 2012
$5,500 from Angels Flight »

Out with a bang indeed. Angels Flight's sunset fireworks displays put the memorable in memorial service, commemorating recently-passed loved ones with spectrally brilliant explosives made from their cremated remains. Trained...

If bat shit looked like 1000mW of ice-blue lightning, the S3 Spyder III Arctic Laser would be the physical manifestation of bat shit crazy. As it stands, the world's most powerful laser is just fuckin' nuts. Wicked Lasers' (absolutely, 100% legal) handheld bolt of pure spectral power counts amongst its marketable skills the ability to: Sear through ornery plastic, pop bitch-ass balloons, burn continuously, 24/7, without sustaining damage to its laser diode, function in 9 different operating modes, including Strobe, Constant Wave, SOS, Beacon, and Tactical Hibernation, emit 0.25 Lux of light at a distance of 6,856 meters, turn anyone it hits in the eye at a distance of 149 meters or less into Ray Charles, minus the musical talent and soul.

And if that weren't enough to get it laid every day for the duration of its 5,000+-hour serviceable life, Guinness is currently testing the S3 Arctic for the official title of World's Most Powerful Laser.

The S3 Arctic Series Laser resides in an aircraft grade aluminum chassis that's smaller than a standard flashlight.

Sunday, September 4, 2011
Sold Out from Amazon »

Perfect for a long lazy nap on the beach after a 12 pack of duff beer the night before. It measures a full 30" x 60" and is made of a super absorbent velour. Velour! I've always wanted to drape myself in velour....

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