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Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Trailer

By: on February 14, 2012

Abraham Lincoln's political career, the Civil War, slavery in The South--conspiracy theorists have been saying it for over a century, and now Seth Grahame-Smith's thinly-veiled novel, plus Tim Burton's twisted interpretive prowess, are splattering the truth in macrocosm across movie screens nationwide. The truth? America was shaped by vampires, and Honest Abe single-handedly altered the course of our nation's future as their pawns. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter hits theaters in gut-wrenching, blood-draining 3D on June 22, 2012.

When a sinister blood vacuum took Honest Abe's mother to settle his father's debts, so began young Lincoln's lifelong crusade towards undead annihilation. In his younger life, he wielded stakes, a signature axe, and a behemoth frame. When he matured, political power and strategic offenses became his weapons of choice. Proclamations, laws, fires, indeed an entire war, were set in motion to rid this country of the devil's spawns. Abe led the charge. But was he successful? You and I walk in the sun, toss back a few brews on Sundays, enjoy the occasional fine meal at The Cheesecake Factory. Life is good. But Abe was assassinated. And small dogs and hikers still go missing all the time. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is the true story you've never heard. About American history. About America today.

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Life-Size Exorcist Regan Doll

$3,995 from Etsy »

The only thing worse than a Monday is clicking on a link that brings you to a life-size replica doll of possessed Regan from The Exorcist. It just happened to me, and since misery loves company, here you go, dudes. I'm...

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Boker Plus Hawkit Neck Knife Axe

$24.90 from Amazon »

Boker made a wee mini axe to dangle from your neck. The Hawkit Neck Knife Axe won't do much good if you need to fell a tree, or even chop up some kindling, but as a funkily-shaped multi-tool and piece of EDC, it will...

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Vipukirves Leveraxe

$200 from Amazon »

Honestly, the Vipukirves Leveraxe initially intrigued me because the guy holding it in one of the above photos is wearing black-and-white gloves that sort of make him look like he has a hook hand, and I thought perhaps...

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Hellraiser Lament Configuration Puzzle Box

$179.97 from Amazon »

Welp, here's one puzzle box I don't want to solve. I don't care what I could stash inside Hellraiser's Lament Configuration, I don't care if it's just a prop replica taken from an allegedly fictitious horror flick, and...

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The Nugget Micro Home

This cute little Nugget might be bigger than your kid, but...not by much. Modern Tiny Living's first micro home checks in at a mere 102 square feet and 4,500 pounds and...OK, fine. That's a lot bigger than your kid....

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Kobayashi Mug

Sold Out from Amazon »

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that...he's gone....

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Nebula Mars Portable Cinema

$799.99 from Amazon »

The Mars Portable Cinema won't really take you to Mars - you'll have to hold out for Elon Musk on that - but Nebula calls their latest release The World's First Portable Cinema with Theater-Grade Picture and Sound, so...

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Tonke Fieldsleeper Camper

By: Tonke »

The Tonke Fieldsleeper isn't just a camper, it's a camper straight out of The Brady Bunch. Check out that wood paneling and groovy baby blue laminate interior. Sure, mint green or rusty orange would have been better...

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Tvan Off-Road Camper Trailer

This is Tvan, and if you're barreling through dirt and rocks with one of the off-road camper trailers bounding along behind you, then you're Tman. The Man. The one who's got the beauty and freedom of the path less traveled...

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Patriot Campers LC79 Super Tourer

$90,660 from Patriot Campers »

The Patriot Campers LC79 is perfect for Christmas Eve when my girlfriend starts freaking out that she forgot the fresh thyme for her stuffing--"and it has to have fresh thyme! It has to!"--and asks me to run out to the...

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TAXA TigerMoth Trailer

Pack away your winter blues in the TAXA TigerMoth adventure trailer's roof rack system, tongue-mounted toolbox, front cargo step, and roof cargo deck. Still cold, snowed-in, and melancholy? The camper has even more room...

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A Die Hard Christmas

$15.29 from Amazon »

Yippee Ki Yay! A Die Hard Christmas: The Illustrated Holiday Classic is going to be on every kid's man's gift list this year. (Kids probably won't want it. They'll think the John McClane brand of killing and violence...