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Undead Teds - Your Bear, Zombified

By: on January 29, 2013
$110 - $140
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Whoa. I thought the scariest thing I'd ever seen was a real live British boy who looks like Chucky, but Undead Teds have staged a coup and now reign supreme. Even if they don't have the same bone-chilling, soprano accent. Which they might. Teddy bear zombifier Phillip Blackman is English. Who's to say that while he's ripping out your stuffed buddy's stuffed parts and replacing them with bloody gashes and oozing organs, he isn't also teaching him to say, "I'm going to decimate your brains" with a glottal stop?

Blackman's Undead Ted creations all stem from customers' own stuffed animals--a favorite childhood toy, a recent drugstore purchase, your ex's most prized polyester-filled possession, which you stole from her the day you went to collect your stuff after catching her in bed with the personal trainier you've been paying for--mailed in for irreversible treatment in the form of open wounds, exposed bone, and disturbingly realistic gore. Every zombie plush is unique in appearance, though, like Axl Rose, all share an appetite for destruction.

Note that listed pricing includes one large, two medium, or three small wounds on a teddy bear measuring approximately 10" high. Customers may specify injuries, or let Blackman choose. Additional trauma or larger toys may have higher associated fees.

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Cute Ass Animals Underwear

$35 - $56 from Etsy »

Etsy vendor Nichola's Knickerockers, underwear with adorable animal faces strategically sewn across one of my favorite places on earth, are pricey. But to all ladies who often get mistaken for Victoria's Secret models...

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Feisty Pets Santa Bear

$24.98 from Amazon »

Remember Feisty Pets? The sweet-to-snarling stuffed animals are celebrating the holiday season with a Feisty Santa Bear, the ultimate cuddly teddy who can turn vicious grizzly in the blink of an eye. Or, more accurately...

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Saddleback Leather Coffin

When you go, go out in style. Saddleback Leather founder Dave Munson made this Leather Coffin for himself. For his future, departed self. And when he finished it, he liked his full-grain final resting place so much that...

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Philippe the Skeleton Lamp

Phillipe the Skeleton Lamp is not the first skeleton lamp I've met (see Glass Skull Tiki Torch, Day of the Dead Skull Lamp). But he's definitely the first skeleton lamp I've met named "Phillipe." Which leads me to believe...

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Anatomical Gummi Bears

$39.99 from ThinkGeek »

This anatomical view of what lies beyond the high fructose corn syrup and Yellow Dye No. 5 of their epidermises paints Gummi Bears in a new light. Gives them some identity. Some humanity. Makes me feel kind of bad for...

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You Is Fine Bears

$17 - $49.99 from Love Is Lame »

Do you love her? Eh. Is she cute? Heh. She is way beyond cute, dude. Hot? HOT. Like... Hotter than Olivia Munn all tatted up and devouring a chili dog in a Xena costume? Uh.... Basically every time I see her all I can...

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Feisty Pets

$19.99 - $29.99 from Amazon »

These Feisty Pets are the perfect way to teach your kids about the true nature of animals. All cuddly puppy and squishy bear and magical unicorn at first sight, but get too close and...Rrrrrawwwrrr! Back the F off, son...

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Griz Coat

$249 - $299 from Griz Coat »

I just named a bear one of my Top 10 choices for animal reincarnation, and now, as if in answer to my plea to the forces of nature, the Griz Coat is back. In time for winter. In time for the holidays. In time for looking...

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Animal Hoodies

$9.82 - $23.95 from Amazon »

Ladies, if Griz Coats are too big, too masculine, or too covering of the neck down for you (read: for me), how about one of these minxy little animal hoodies? Most of them even extend along the shoulders into a cozy pair...

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Big Sleeping Grizzly Bear Bean Bag

$275 from Etsy »

Although this grizzly bear won't tote you around on his back and serve as your mystical forest companion, chances are he also won't eat you when you plop down on or dive bomb him while he slumbers. Because this is a Big...

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The Beauty of Horror: A GOREgeous Coloring Book

$12.18 from Amazon »

Adult coloring books have experienced a recent surge in sales as meditative and therapeutic outlets. But how the H-A-Double-Hockey-Sticks-O-W-E-E-N does The Beauty of Horror think I'm supposed to calm down and relieve...

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American Horror Story Rubber Man Suit

$35.89 - $40 from Amazon »

Bring out the gimp. The gimp's sleeping. Well, I guess you'll just have to go wake him up now, won't you? Wait...wrong S&M fetish scene. The Rubber Man suit is an American Horror Story derivation. Just as well, I guess....