19

Germophobe's Silverware

By: on November 17, 2016
$112.13
Check It Out

If the thought of the 5 second rule--or of my policy of eating anything off the floor that still looks tasty regardless of how long it's been there--makes you gag up a little bit of your undigested lunch, then have I got some silverware for you!

This 20-piece flatware set from from Dawoochen turns its nose up to dirty tabletops and surface germs with a literal upturned design that prevents the ends of the cutlery that touch your pure 'n' pristine piehole from also touching the grimy & vile table when set down.

In addition to catering to germophobes' neurosis, Dawoochen says its Head Up Flatware is comfortable and ergonomic to use, and looks real good on the table. I myself think the utensils look kinda like they were on the receiving end of that kid from The Matrix's Jedi mind tricks.

Buy Now

Dude Wipes

$10 from Amazon »

Dude Wipes: A Brief Overview of Audience and Application. Dude Wipes are for dudes. And every once in while--say, every 18 to 24 hours--dudes tend to have an especially...explosive...encounter with the bathroom. The kind...

Check it out

The Muncher Titanium Multi-Utensil

$35 - $50 from Full Windsor »

Long day outside. Sun, sweat, and dirt on your skin. A rumbling in your gut. It's time. To munch. And if you're on Team Full Windsor, it's time to Muncher. The outdoor and cycle accessory brand recently crowdfunded their...

Buy Now

Ka-Bar Tactical Spork

$3.20 from Amazon »

See, it's a fork-spoon combo up top with a...knife!...that pulls out from the handle. And--and!--it's black. Ka-Bar's Tactical Spork is a tactical tool for tactical eating if I've ever seen one. Imagine the stealth and...

Check it out

Down There Repair

$15.95 from Sam's Natural »

Application of Sam's Natural Down There Repair fixes two major male discomforts and social embarrassments: chafed crotch and smelly crotch. It can also be used preventatively, thwarting these afflictions from striking...

Check it out

Polygon - 4-in-1 Origami Measuring Spoons

$12 from Polygons »

A flat spoon. Isn't that about as useful as a holey bucket? Or decaf? Under normal circumstances, indeed, but under the origami folds of Polygons, spoons that lay smooth and straight as a nun's ruler aren't just useful...

Buy Now

ToppCock Silver Odor Neutralizer Gel

$9.99 from Amazon »

I didn't have enough room in the title to add "...for Man Parts." Do you think it would be too offensive to give a bottle of ToppCock Silver Odor Neutralizer Gel to this guy I know at work as an Anonymous Santa gift?...

Buy Now

The Chork - Chopsticks & Fork in One

$8.99 - $14.99 from Amazon »

What you see before you are cheaters. At least cheaters in the Chork-o-Sphere. The Chork is a double-ended fork (flip!) and chopsticks combo. Use it tines-down and you're eating like a Westerner. Split the utensil in...

Buy Now

Knorks

$19.99 from Amazon »

Knork: it's the camping-ready Spork's urban, cutting edge cousin. Here to help you slice and pierce your filet mignon with a single hand and a simple rocking motion. Perfect for the knife-renouncing avant-garde, plus...

Check it out

Day One WaterBag - 10L Purifier

$79.99 from DayOne Response »

If you're in the midst of an emergency or natural disaster, or if you're just going on a months-long hike or backwoods tour in your VW van, the DayOne has your clean drinking water concerns covered. A single one of these...

Buy Now

Pizza Scissors

$19.99 from Amazon »

I have acquired some choice props and accessories throughout my quest to assemble the baddest ass Super Bowl 50 party known to mankind:...

Buy Now

Nano-b Silver, Gold & Charcoal Toothbrushes

$11.50 - $13.25 from Amazon »

After an unfortunate experiment with foil wrapping paper I was told I cannot pull off gold teeth. However, having used a Nano-b for about a week now, I am pretty certain I can pull off a gold toothbrush. Or rather, the...

Buy Now

Touchless Toilet Flush Kit

$43.32 from Amazon »

I'm not a germophobe, but I am incredibly lazy. And a kit that retrofits my standard toilet with a touchless, auto-flush mechanism means no more bending over! No more holding the handle down! No more jiggling it to make...