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Germophobe's Silverware

By: on November 17, 2016
$109.99
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If the thought of the 5 second rule--or of my policy of eating anything off the floor that still looks tasty regardless of how long it's been there--makes you gag up a little bit of your undigested lunch, then have I got some silverware for you!

This 20-piece flatware set from from Dawoochen turns its nose up to dirty tabletops and surface germs with a literal upturned design that prevents the ends of the cutlery that touch your pure 'n' pristine piehole from also touching the grimy & vile table when set down.

In addition to catering to germophobes' neurosis, Dawoochen says its Head Up Flatware is comfortable and ergonomic to use, and looks real good on the table. I myself think the utensils look kinda like they were on the receiving end of that kid from The Matrix's Jedi mind tricks.

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SpinX Toilet Cleaning Robot

$198 - $249 from SpinX »

Cleaning the toilet. A chore so crappy that when I was in college my housemates and I agreed to just not do it. Ah the nights of too much tequila and Taco Bell that could have benefitted from the SpinX. A robot that cleans...

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Knork Matte Black Titanium Flatware

$37.99 from Amazon »

Modern, industrial, functional, and Black. Knork's set of matte black flatware brings the company's combo cutlery concept to the Dark Side....

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Gryp - The Germophobe's Keychain

$2.99 from Gryp »

Germophobes and Purell addicts, get a Gryp. Bacteria and micro-organisms are breeding, spreading, festering everywhere. You can't escape them! But with a solid Gryp on this reality, you can relax, go out into the world...

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Dude Wipes

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Dude Wipes: A Brief Overview of Audience and Application. Dude Wipes are for dudes. And every once in while--say, every 18 to 24 hours--dudes tend to have an especially...explosive...encounter with the bathroom. The kind...

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Down There Repair

$15.95 from Sam's Natural »

Application of Sam's Natural Down There Repair fixes two major male discomforts and social embarrassments: chafed crotch and smelly crotch. It can also be used preventatively, thwarting these afflictions from striking...

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Ka-Bar Tactical Spork

$9.47 from Amazon »

See, it's a fork-spoon combo up top with a...knife!...that pulls out from the handle. And--and!--it's black. Ka-Bar's Tactical Spork is a tactical tool for tactical eating if I've ever seen one. Imagine the stealth and...

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The Muncher Titanium Multi-Utensil

$35 - $50 from Full Windsor »

Long day outside. Sun, sweat, and dirt on your skin. A rumbling in your gut. It's time. To munch. And if you're on Team Full Windsor, it's time to Muncher. The outdoor and cycle accessory brand recently crowdfunded their...

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Polygon - 4-in-1 Origami Measuring Spoons

$12 from Polygons »

A flat spoon. Isn't that about as useful as a holey bucket? Or decaf? Under normal circumstances, indeed, but under the origami folds of Polygons, spoons that lay smooth and straight as a nun's ruler aren't just useful...

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The Chork - Chopsticks & Fork in One

$8.99 - $14.99 from Amazon »

What you see before you are cheaters. At least cheaters in the Chork-o-Sphere. The Chork is a double-ended fork (flip!) and chopsticks combo. Use it tines-down and you're eating like a Westerner. Split the utensil in...

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ToppCock Silver Odor Neutralizer Gel

$9.99 from Amazon »

I didn't have enough room in the title to add "...for Man Parts." Do you think it would be too offensive to give a bottle of ToppCock Silver Odor Neutralizer Gel to this guy I know at work as an Anonymous Santa gift?...

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The Nessie Family Kitchen Utensils

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The whole fam Nessie damily would like to take a swim in your kitchen brews and stews. Papa the colander spoon in your cooked pasta. Mama the ladle in your tomato soup and passion fruit punch. And Baby Nessie in your...

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Day One WaterBag - 10L Purifier

$79.99 from DayOne Response »

If you're in the midst of an emergency or natural disaster, or if you're just going on a months-long hike or backwoods tour in your VW van, the DayOne has your clean drinking water concerns covered. A single one of these...