Piqapoo Self-Collecting Poop Bag
On the one hand, clipping a Piqapoo self-collecting poop bag to your dog's butt exceeds injury cone and Chia Pet costume levels of shaming him. But on the other hand, you've spent the last X years following him around on walks, closely monitoring his bowel movements, and bending over with a big plastic bag glove on your hand to collect and dispose of his dumps yourself. What about your shame? That's what Piqapoo wants to know. What about your shame?!
If there's even a 50% chance your dog will allow it (my informal poll of one person suggested something more in the 15% range) the Piqapoo secures to the base of his tail, and dangles a "collection bag" underneath his delivery chute. When he starts the load-in-my-pants shuffle, and drops into the here-it-comes haunch hunch, the Piqapoo bag opens wide and braces for impact.
Poop complete, you'll still have to press the Piqapoo's release button and dispose of the full bag yourself. Unless you're still mad at Badger for grabbing the entire brick of cheddar cheese your were going to grate over your chili last night off the coffee table, in which case he can carry that shit home himself.
According to Piqapoo creators, their plastic clip lined with silicone cushions is "so light and comfortable your dog will not even feel it." If testing that claim out is worth 30 bucks to you, head over to the Piqapoo Kickstarter campaign and pledge for your chance to stop picking up poop through December 31, 2016.