Ex-Boyfriend Revenge Kit

By: on December 11, 2013

I am drawing this Ex-Boyfriend Revenge Kit to the world's attention only so that if anyone sees a woman carrying a bluish-greenish colored purse you'll know to report her immediately to a shrink, the police, and Batman.

Listen, psycho stalker, I'm sorry you didn't like what I had to say in your Girlfriend Written Performance Evaluation, but you could have avoided this breakup altogether had you just heeded my advice about your attachment issues and, more importantly, your ratio of hours spent in the gym to number of baked goods consumed.

The abomination that is the Ex-Boyfriend Revenge Kit favors a flavor of payback it describes as batshit crazy couture. No, wait, that's my term for it. Designer Her Royal Flyness calls it "glamorous." Yes, Her Royal Flyness. That should address any questions you have about what sort of person would sell a collection of items so vicious and spiteful that some of them aren't even legally sold in all countries and states, and/or may require permits to own. And on that note, let's review what the contents of this Someone Needs to Suck It Up and Move On Kit include:

  • 1 teal (oh, I guess that's what they're calling it) woven leather tote
  • 1 teal balaclava, "for hiding your face and looking fabulous." [Yeah, like the Cookie Monster--see baked goods note above.]
  • 1 teal mini crowbar
  • 1 pair of soft teal leather gloves.
  • 1 injection kit with a single dose of Amytal Sodium (truth serum). [Uh, I think the problem here is that I did tell the truth.]
  • 1 roll teal bondage tape and matching teal rope
  • 1 pair high impact resin knuckle dusters

Her Royal Flyness also warns that some items in the Ex-Boyfriend Revenge Kit are made to order, and delivery times will vary. So make sure that if you're unstable scorned woman out to even the score, you're also the type of woman who can maintain her passionate and focused hatred for extended revenge fabrication and package shipment times.

Seriously, ladies, want a much healthier, and less incriminating, form of revenge? Go with the Ex Knifeholder. Or, better, wear some of this Stormtrooper latex the next time you "accidentally" run into him.

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