Girlfriend Written Performance Evaluation

Posted: February 02, 2013
Girlfriend Written Performance Evaluation
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Matthew Bowers' Girlfriend Written Performance Evaluation caters to all boyfriends. Meaning both the nice ones and the honest ones. The nice ones can blanket graded areas ranging from Cooking to Money & Finances to Gaming with high marks and schmoopy reviewer comments. Basically, they can lie. And probably get a night or two of mediocre sexy time as a result. The honest ones, though, will use this evaluation to provide their girlfriends an invaluable service: succinct, numerically-based insight not only into what the ladies are doing improperly, but also into how they can improve their ratings and become the type of significant other their boyfriends no longer make every effort to avoid discussing at poker night.

Sure, men, you may get dumped and clawed in the face with acrylic nails at first, but she'll come around. Because women are reflective and rational...wait, no, those aren't the right words...I meant women are...hold on, let me refer to my notes.... Ah yes, here it is. Women are crazy and obsessive. So if you plant a few seeds of suggested improvement in their brains, while they may initially lash out, after a few nights home alone with Schweddy Balls Ben & Jerry's and Dirty Dancing on VHS, they will realize you are right. Or at least that if they don't concede you are right, they will be down one boyfriend and up 3 to 5 pounds, plus a melancholy week of mourning Patrick Swayze's death all over again*.

See, it's going to be a Happy Valentine's Day after all.

The Girlfriend Written Performance Evaluation contains 30 Review Categories, each with its own topical line items for grading on the following scale:

  • 1 = Unsatisfactory
  • 2 = Needs Improvement
  • 3 = Meets Requirements
  • 4 = Exceeds Requirements
  • 5 = Outstanding
  • N/A = Not Applicable

For example, the Gaming category covers specifics including:

  • Has basic knowledge of all major gaming platforms and genres.
  • Develops gameplay skills when playing new or unfamiliar games.
  • Speaks and understands gameplay vernacular.
  • Tolerates and supports occasional binge gaming sessions.
  • Overall rating.

And for Oral Communication:

  • Engages in appropriate conversation and only at appropriate times and places.
  • Communicates in a concise and effective manner, gets to the point.
  • Listens well and responds appropriately to matters important to boyfriend.
  • Keeps boyfriend informed about important events and engagements.
  • Speaks at appropriate pitch and volume.
  • Overall rating.

As of yet, there is no complementary Boyfriend Written Performance Evaluation available for purchase, but given that girlfriends seem to have no problem verbally updating their boyfriends on a daily--sometimes hourly--basis on how they're doing, how things are going, how they're making their girlfriends feel, and how they would be way better if they changed pretty much every defining personality trait they have, a bound publication to assist in these efforts doesn't really seem necessary.

*Should your girlfriend's reactionary dumping stick, I highly recommend a Girlfriend Pillow replacement.

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