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Custom Selfie Toasters

By: on July 20, 2014

No more must you be the son of God or the father of Luke Skywalker to have your face toasted on a piece of whole wheat. Burnt Impressions, a Vermont-based novelty toaster company, will take any hi-res photo selfie you've got--or a photo of your dog or your kid if you're feeling slightly less narcissistic--and hammer it into the grilles of a toaster. So next time you butter a piece of crisped sourdough, you'll see a familiar mug, emblazoned smiling/duckfacing back at you.

You'll also probably save calories, being less likely to hide that stellar 3/4 shot you took at a particularly long stoplight last March with layers of jam or Nutella.

Custom selfie toasters come in the buyer's choice of 5 colors, and typically take about a week to create. Note that Burnt Impressions cannot guarantee fine details will toast through, seeing as branding on leavened grain products isn't exactly the friendliest artistic medium. However, the company will test a few pieces of selfie toasties prior to shipment, and if they "squint and can't see your face" they'll cancel the order and refund your bread.

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Wobbling Willy - Your Face on a Dildo (NSFW)

Dudes, check out the Wobbling Willy's practical application for all those selfies you've been taking. Your face on a dildo. A way, way sexier (and more functional!) gift for your girlfriend than that framed dick pic you...

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Bacon Express Crispy Bacon Grill

$32.94 from Amazon »

Whole wheat in the toaster, bacon in the...other toaster, a yank of the iceberg, a slice of the tomato, and mmmm. BLTeee-licious. Without turning on the stove or getting popped in the eye with a grease BB....

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Nixie Flying Wearable Camera

By: Nixie »

The Nixie may be a ways from reality--and your wrist--but its live demo debut at CES 2016 proves it's a lot more than a few mockup drawings and some dude's dream (or, in this case, a dude and a dudette). The wearable...

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Belfie Butt Selfie Stick

By: Belfie »

If you (ladies) are going to take inordinate numbers of photos of your own self, you (ladies) may as well take them of the parts of your body I most enjoy looking at. The Belfie is a forthcoming butt selfie stick. Designed...

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Big Bad Toy Store says nothing--nothing!--about its forthcoming breakfast game changer, the Darth Vader Toaster, except this:...

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Birdie GoPro Camera Launcher

$49 from Amazon »

I hope you got good aim because Birdie is about to take your selfies from point-and-shoot to toss-and-see-WTF-happens. Snap your GoPro HERO 3+, 4, or 5 inside its arcing white cage and launch the Birdie into the air to...

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Breakfast Sandwich Maestro

$23.17 from Amazon »

5 minutes to a breakfast sandwich. No drive-thru on earth can beat that...mainly because of the whole leaving the house and driving to the drive-thru portion of the equation. Otherwise I guess most of them could. If there...

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Star Wars Death Star Toaster

$65.54 from The Fowndry »

This Death Star is armed with 7,293 TIE Fighters, and it's ready to deploy them onto your sliced bread. In toaster form, it's also the perfect solution to mornings you're in a rush and don't have time to craft a complete...

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Smart Oven Air Fryer, Roaster & Dehydrator

$399.95 from Amazon »

Tons of toaster ovens do more than just toast, but I like the Breville Smart Oven Air's additions of frying and dehydrating to the countertop cooker game. Using Element IQ technology, or the thing that allows them to...

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Family Size Hat Trick Breakfast Station

$67.48 - $77.55 from Amazon »

You've seen the hat trick of a Breakfast Station big enough for you, but here's an option big enough for your whole family....

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Cuisinart Steam & Convection Oven

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Cuisinart's Steam Oven stuffs the full functionality of a convection oven and a professional steam oven into a 15-1/2" x 18" countertop footprint. Using steam as a heating method can cut the cooking time of vegetables...