8lb Bag of Cereal Marshmallows
I must have stumbled upon the end of a rainbow because Jack. Pot. My days of spending 15 minutes crouched over my cereal bowl picking out all the boring healthy* brown bits from Lucky Charms are about to be as over as Peyton Manning's glory years. Some kind manufacturer or child laborer has completed this tedious task of toasted-oat extraction for me, and packaged just the cereal's immaculate clouds of dehydrated marshmallow bliss. Even better: no more 12oz box bullcrap. This fat mass of pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, blue diamonds, and purple horseshoes comes man-sized in an 8lb bag. Eight pounds! That's the weight of a medium child at birth. And marshmallows aren't exactly the densest pieces of matter, so I bet 8 pounds worth equates to, like, 1,456,542,974 individual charms o' good fortune. Who needs drugs to get high when you have 3.63 kilos of processed sugar?!
According to the literature I've read while researching my purchase, dehydrated marshmallows can be added to standard Lucky Charms for an enhanced breakfast experience, used to make the most bomb diggity Rice Krispies Treats ever, or enlisted to placate the raging cravings of pregnant women. Probably I will just see how big of a handful I can shove into and hold in my mouth as my saliva and body temperature slowly disintegrate them into a magnificent candied river ready to flood my GI tract.
Check it: the dude below got his hands on the elusive 20lb bag.
Want to turn stellar into heavenly? Top your 8 pounds of dehydrated marshmallows with an 11lb jar of Nutella.
*Haha, just kidding. Like any part of Lucky Charms is healthy.
#OK, these marshmallows actually seem to come in nondescript shapes, likely because they were made by General Mills/Lucky Charms competitor Kraft.