Food

Ficks Cocktail Fortifier

Sold Out from Amazon »

Though there are many things I can do to prevent a hangover...yeah, Mama, not over-consuming alcohol is indeed one of them...I find drinking glass after glass of water, or eating Tums at 1-hour intervals, or restricting...

Snake Venom - World's (New) Strongest Beer

At this time last year, the World's Strongest Beer was Armageddon, a 330 mL bottle of malt, hops, a little sweetness, and an awesome 65% ABV crafted by Scottish brewery Brewmeister. This year, the World's New Strongest...

Sriracha Candy Canes

$7.99 from ThinkGeek »

Is it too early to be talking about candy canes? Most likely. But I join the Targets and Macy's (Macy'ses?) of the world in shoving Christmas down your throat immediately after Halloween only because I care about you...

Get Up and Go Caffeinated Baked Goods

$8.99 - $36 from Get Up and Go »

Get Up and Go baked goods advertise their delivery of caffeine without the coffee. Having consumed several...in the past 11 minutes...I would advertise that, even better, they jack up my motivation and focus without the...

Cheeseburger Cupcake Brownies

I guess you could make cheeseburger cupcake brownies yourself if you know how to bake cupcakes and brownies, and apply icing without squirting it all over your kitchen cabinets, but I don't. Also, things always taste...

One F**kin' Drop at a Time Hot Sauce

$9.44 from Amazon »

In this case, I think that inserting an eyedropper as a serving utensil for One F**kin' Drop at a Time Hot Sauce isn't more than just a kitschy packaging ploy. Reviews of the habanero- and scotch bonnet-infused mouth...

X-Rated Fortune Cookies

$16.01 from Amazon »

Every time you masturbate, God chokes a kitten. I don't know if that bit of wisdom can be found in this Chinese to-go container of of X-Rated Fortune Cookies, but it should be a staple. Get your hands out of your pants...

9mm Vodka

Who wants to be on the receiving end of a shot from a 9mm submachine gun? What if the shot came in a glass and made you feel weak-in-the-knees gooooood instead of weak-in-the-knees punctured in a vital organ? 9mm Vodka...

Life-Size Gummy Skull

$39.99 from Vat 19 »

This is what happens to people who eat 5-pound gummy bears: they OD on sugar and high fructose corn syrup, their brains become gelatinous, and they turn into 5-pound gummy skulls. In flavors cherry, blue raspberry, and...

Ivanabitch Tobacco Vodka

Now that flavored vodkas have started to peak in trendiness--I saw Cilantro over the weekend--and most states are prohibiting smoking inside public places, it's only natural that some enterprising company would bring...

5lb Bag of Kraft Cheese Powder

Sometimes I wonder what I'll do if one day I don't want the Kraft Mac & Cheese my mama or Bob Evans serves me. Like, what if I want Kraft mini wieners* & cheese or Kraft Jet-Puffed Jumbo Mallows & cheese? Or, screw all...

Soylent - Dog Food for Humans

$34 from Amazon »

Nary a week goes by that I don't hear about how my friend DeAndre just wishes they made a dog food for humans. Something containing all necessary nutrients, adequate calories, and appropriate protein:carb:fat ratios that...

3D Printed Sugar

Wedding cakes have been topped with zombies. Video game junkies. Your own face. But have you ever seen one topped with an infinite web of sugar spun in 3 out of 3 dimensions? The Sugar Lab will custom

Epic Fruity Meat Bars

$25.99 from Amazon »

I know what you're thinking: that is a slab of jerky with the inexplicable addition of dried fruit and a fancy wrapper. And I say, yeah, OK. That's one way to look at Epic grass-fed meat bars. But having tried the Bison...

Civet Sh*t Coffee Beans

$34.95 from Amazon »

Why do we have so many shit-themed items around here? Steaming turd cakes to send anonymously to exes. Pills that turn your defecation adventures golden. Rich, delectable chocolates lovingly molded into the shape of assholes...

PB Crave Peanut Butter

Sold Out from Amazon »

You already stand at the kitchen counter eating spoonfuls of peanut butter straight out of the jar anyway, so why not make the guilty pleasure even more enjoyable with PB Crave's addition of the ingredients you might...

Carbonated Sugar

$7.99 from Amazon »

Carbonated sugar. Also known as Popping Sugar. Also known as the shit they use to make Pop Rocks! F stingy, tablespoonful servings for 99 cents, how's about a whole vat of candied mouth explosions? And a mere packet of...

Ember Hangover Burner

Discontinued

Not that we should be rewarded for irresponsibly drinking to excess such that we need preventative steps to hangovers, but...Ember kind of rewards us for irresponsibly drinking to excess by way of serving as a preventative...

Eat-A-Bug Cookbook

$16.97 from Amazon »

What are you going to do with all those insects and arthropods and segmented slimers you kill with your Bug-A-Salt shotgun? How about whipping up a batch of Wax Worm Cookies? Mmmmmm, smell those self-regenerative body...

Wino Popcorn

$8 - $48 from Populence »

Popcorn and wine. They go together like peanut butter and, uh...french fries? Like something I'd probably try it because I dig both of those things individually and they don't have entirely antagonistic flavors, but I'd...

Wild Game Jerky Sampler Pack

$20.97 from Amazon »

Gators and ostrich and bears, oh my...dayum! Giving bacon gift boxes and Broquets a possible run for their money this Father's Day: Buffalo Bob's Wild Game Jerky. The sampler pack...

Breast Milk Lollipops

$10 from Lollyphile »

Oh, would that they were made of real breast milk...that would be F'ing sick. But in the grand spirit of edible items simply modeled after choice body parts*, the Lollyphile's Breast Milk Lollipops don't contain actual...

Edible Anus Chocolates

$9.75 from Amazon »

Several years ago, Willy Wonka sat down with the UK's most distinguished chocolatiers to lay down the next big release in artisan chocolate. He tried many of their stunning and revolutionary manipulations of the finest...

Caffeinated Baking Sugar

$14.99 from ThinkGeek »

Here is what's going to happen when I give Cornelius pot brownies made with Jacked Up caffeinated baking sugar: first he will say he doesn't feel anything. This will continue for 11 to 17 minutes. Then he will jump out...