Food

Toniiq Hangover Treatment

$28 from Toniiq »

This Memorial Day weekend, I will metabolize my alcohol without damaging my liver! I will take Toniiq Lingzhi capsules the morning after my nights of heavy drinking and address the underlying metabolic process that causes...

Kama Sutra Chocolates (NSFW)

Discontinued

I smell sex and...candy here. It's our favorite form of ancient raunch cacao-ified into a box of Kama Sutra chocolates. Now everyone can give 8 slabs of tasty sex positions to their favorite horndog, or the pillar of...

30-Minute Mozzarella Cheesemaking Kit

$22.95 from Amazon »

Boy do I love cheese. Even though sometimes it gives me gas so sulfurically heinous my mama asks if I'm running a pulp mill in my ass. I just feel like if the choice is pizza & pain or no pizza & a life of sadness, the...

F-Cup Cookies

F-Cup Cookies sound like they would be a joke, and they probably are, but for all women with concave chesticular regions and, more importantly, for all the men who have to fondle them, I sure as 2 seconds of motorboating...

Chocolate Zombie Bunny

$9.99 from ThinkGeek »

The Chocolate Zombie Bunny is what happens when you make an April Fool's Joke that sends all the little zombies into a frenzy of Easter basket demands, and then off on a killing spree when they discover the punchline...

Srirachup - Sriracha Ketchup

I told them this is what would happen if they let the roosters near the tomatoes. The cocks just can't keep it to themselves. And now we have this bastard child. This atrocious, humiliating...awesome-sounding, mouthwatering...

Canned Dragon Meat

Sold Out from Amazon »

Canned Dragon Meat. It's like Canned Unicorn Meat, but from a slain dragon instead of a slain unicorn. It probably tastes a lot tougher, maybe a little charred, but since slaying a dragon is considered heroic and grounds...

Jade Monk Turbo Green Tea

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Jade Monk's demonic-looking Japanese spirit animals would like to offer you a "tremendously refreshing" pouch of powder containing 7 cups of green tea nutrients and enough caffeine to turbocharge your mind and body for...

Tonguespank Spices

Under normal circumstances, my tongue wouldn't be the first place I'd pick to be spanked. But seeing as Tonguespank Spices are coating their lashings in flavors like Garlic Grappa and Scorpion Bourbon, I guess I'd be...

Coconut Wraps

Discontinued

My ad campaign for this product would be Paleo Wraps: they definitely taste way better than paper. To say the coconut carb substitutes are delicious, or even good, is tough though. They're not bad. And they're not tasteless...

Whiskey Beef Jerky

Usually if beef jerky burns as it travels down my throat it's because I bit off a fat hunk and didn't chew it enough and the burn is due to an oversized mass of dehydrated meat threatening to puncture my esophagus as...

A Monthly Taste of Japan Box

$12 - $144 from Skoshbox »

Listen up, 11th hour shoppers, plus anyone else who loves candy, surprises, and/or the delicacies of Japan (the edible, not the human ones): Skoshbox, a deliverer of monthly, fresh-off-the-boat candies and snacks from...

Pasta Boobs

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I hear Pasta Boobs pair best with cream-based sauces. I hear Pasta Boobs should be cooked al dente if you want them to stay firm. I hear if you serve Pasta Boobs to kids under 3, they'll only gnaw on the tips. I hear...eh...

Sriracha Vodka

Hello there, ma'am. Fine evening we're having, wouldn't you say? What's that in my hand you ask? Here, have a closer look...

Bacons of the World Sampler

I would call Belcampo's Bacons of the World quarterly sampler pork crack, but in this case, I think it would allude to an entirely different--yet still likely very tasty--part of the pig, rather than the addictive, euphoria-inducing...

Thanksgiving Popcorn Feast

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Well here's one way to appease vegetarians, gluten intolerants, lousy cooks, people with a dish washing aversion, and Orville Redenbacher this Thanksgiving. King of POP has condensed an entire Turkey Day feast into 9...

Gin & Whisky Advent Calendars

$161.09 - $241.59 from Firebox.com »

Do you see what it says on one of the drams in the Gin Advent Calendar?! Professor Cornelius! Professor Cornelius Impleforth! I can't stop laughing! Partly due to the thought of my friend Cornelius being a professor...

Ghost Pepper Jelly

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Suzanne says her Ghost Jelly is perfect for your favorite hotty. I think it's perfect for my friend Cornelius' toast, which I will butter and jelly up for him out of kindness, and inform him is smeared with orange marmalade...

Ficks Cocktail Fortifier

Sold Out from Amazon »

Though there are many things I can do to prevent a hangover...yeah, Mama, not over-consuming alcohol is indeed one of them...I find drinking glass after glass of water, or eating Tums at 1-hour intervals, or restricting...

Snake Venom - World's (New) Strongest Beer

At this time last year, the World's Strongest Beer was Armageddon, a 330 mL bottle of malt, hops, a little sweetness, and an awesome 65% ABV crafted by Scottish brewery Brewmeister. This year, the World's New Strongest...

Sriracha Candy Canes

$7.99 from ThinkGeek »

Is it too early to be talking about candy canes? Most likely. But I join the Targets and Macy's (Macy'ses?) of the world in shoving Christmas down your throat immediately after Halloween only because I care about you...

Get Up and Go Caffeinated Baked Goods

$8.99 - $36 from Get Up and Go »

Get Up and Go baked goods advertise their delivery of caffeine without the coffee. Having consumed several...in the past 11 minutes...I would advertise that, even better, they jack up my motivation and focus without the...

Cheeseburger Cupcake Brownies

I guess you could make cheeseburger cupcake brownies yourself if you know how to bake cupcakes and brownies, and apply icing without squirting it all over your kitchen cabinets, but I don't. Also, things always taste...

One F**kin' Drop at a Time Hot Sauce

$9.44 from Amazon »

In this case, I think that inserting an eyedropper as a serving utensil for One F**kin' Drop at a Time Hot Sauce isn't more than just a kitschy packaging ploy. Reviews of the habanero- and scotch bonnet-infused mouth...