Gummi Army Guys

These aren't just Gummi Army Guys. These are 5 pounds of Gummi Army Guys. If I ate all of them, I would be 5 pounds heavier. Until I projectile vomited faster than the speeding bullets the GIs are ammo'd up with, at which point I would walk away 6 to 8 pounds lighter. So that's, like, reason number 73 to buy a bag of artificially apple-flavored high fructose corn syrup and green dye no. 3 military dudes. (Numbers 1 through 72 are because gummi products are F'in delicious.)

I wonder who would win in a battle between Gummi Army Guys, Sriracha Bomb Lollipops, and Ghost Pepper Candy Balls. My money's on the rooster. Explosively hot, trained cock fighter, and universally revered is a triple threat that would be hard to bring down. Sorry, green men and Mexican chiles.

Gummi Army Guys Gifts

• World's Largest Gummi Worm - $29.99
• Giant Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - $12.20
• Mustache Lollipop - $7.28
• Peppermint Stick Spoons - $10.50
• Single, 5-pound Gummi Bear - $34.99