Zero Gravity Soccer Trainer

By: on March 01, 2013
Zero Gravity Soccer Trainer
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I made the image of the little boy using the Zero Gravity Soccer Trainer bigger than the one of the little girl in the photo above because we all know boys are better than girls at sports, and the latter really shouldn't even be allowed to play any of them, with the exceptions of tennis and beach volleyball due to hot uniforms. But I guess with all this voting and workforce equality and Title 9 BS in place now there's no going back, so fine, ladies, sport away. But if you're going to kick me in the face or nuts with that soccer ball there as payback for my commentary, you better hone your balance, agility, aim, power, and all-around Euro football skills.

The Zero Gravity Trainer, a water-filled base with rotating arm and attached ball, is an in-home aid that claims to dramatically improve soccer skills. The system utilizes a counterweighted method that precisely matches the player's skill level during training and development, with the particular goal of improving kids' abilities on the field through repetition and tuning large leg muscles to master fine motor skills. So basically, it's a private dictatorial coach that gets paid in one lump sum of $130 instead of $80 hourly installments, which saves parents a ton of money without requiring them to develop the patience required to teach kids how to do things. Kind of like the self-stabilizing training wheel for bikes.

Zero Gravity Trainers have 3 coarse and 5 fine gravity adjustments suitable for any age and skill level. Here is what soccer know-it-alls are saying about them:

  • "It is the best development tool I've ever seen. The 0g Trainer can be adjusted to suit the individual needs of every player." - Iain Scott, Seacoast United Director of Coaching and former Scottish Premier League Manager
  • "We at Seacoast United have committed to utilizing the Variable Gravity Trainer for all of our younger players for the upcoming 2012/13 season. It has helped develop their confidence, first touch, and it encourages the use of both feet. Of all the things players now get in their Club packages, this will make the biggest difference by far." -Paul Willis, Seacoast United President and CEO
  • "Hey I could use that in my underwear and my underwear ads." -David Beckham