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Squirrel Wingsuits

By: on September 01, 2013
Squirrel Wingsuits
$1,650 - $1,750
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Skydiving, BASE jumping, walking down the street: success in these extreme adventures isn't so much about having skills and balls as it is about having the right gear. For example, when I walk down the street, I just make sure I am wearing shoes and carrying a Knuckle Blaster Stun Gun, and voila! No diseases, no getting mugged. Probably. And when I...no, make that if I were to skydive or BASE jump, which there is no F'ing way on earth or Melmac I ever would, I'd just make sure I was wearing a Squirrel wingsuit, and voila! No plummeting to certain death. Probably.

Squirrel has two recent releases of souped-up wingsuits/bat suits/shrouds of vital organ intactness, the Aura and the Colugo, available for online purchase. You better know how to measure all your 2,000 body parts if you want to order one, though. Accurately. Squirrel asks for everything from height both with and without shoes on to forearm circumference in centimeters because they really want your suit to fit and function perfectly.

My guess is not half as much as you do.

Aura wingsuits seek to hit peak levels of performance glide and agility for "the most demanding wingsuit BASE pilots in the world--jumpers who are pushing the limits of short starts and long glides." Colugos cater more to big mountain terrain flying, with increased versatility for pilots of intermediate to expert abilities who want an all-around BASE suit. Intermediate to expert BASE jumpers. In a sport so extreme that its beginners probably have nut sacks bigger than King Kong's, I find it somewhat mind-blowing that they are still able to designate gradations of excellence.