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Squirrel Wingsuits

By: on September 01, 2013
$1,650 - $1,750
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Skydiving, BASE jumping, walking down the street: success in these extreme adventures isn't so much about having skills and balls as it is about having the right gear. For example, when I walk down the street, I just make sure I am wearing shoes and carrying a Knuckle Blaster Stun Gun, and voila! No diseases, no getting mugged. Probably. And when I...no, make that if I were to skydive or BASE jump, which there is no F'ing way on earth or Melmac I ever would, I'd just make sure I was wearing a Squirrel wingsuit, and voila! No plummeting to certain death. Probably.

Squirrel has two recent releases of souped-up wingsuits/bat suits/shrouds of vital organ intactness, the Aura and the Colugo, available for online purchase. You better know how to measure all your 2,000 body parts if you want to order one, though. Accurately. Squirrel asks for everything from height both with and without shoes on to forearm circumference in centimeters because they really want your suit to fit and function perfectly.

My guess is not half as much as you do.

Aura wingsuits seek to hit peak levels of performance glide and agility for "the most demanding wingsuit BASE pilots in the world--jumpers who are pushing the limits of short starts and long glides." Colugos cater more to big mountain terrain flying, with increased versatility for pilots of intermediate to expert abilities who want an all-around BASE suit. Intermediate to expert BASE jumpers. In a sport so extreme that its beginners probably have nut sacks bigger than King Kong's, I find it somewhat mind-blowing that they are still able to designate gradations of excellence.

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AdrenaSuit - Bulletproof & Superpowered

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Seabreacher Shark X Water Jet

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Panamanian inventor Morris Shahbazi once bragged to disbelieving ears that his SOS Parachute, an emergency evacuation system for people in high-rise office buildings, hotels, and residences, could open in 100 feet, or...

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You don't need to be a fat boy, or even a boy, to assume the position of Launcher or Launchee on the Fat Boys Blob. All you need is a craving for a rush of adrenaline and a fearlessness in the face of heights....

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RPG-7 Bottle Launcher

Discontinued

Why is it that the toys you or I make with our buddies from scrap lengths of pipe and sheet metal the year we take high school physics always end up as legitimate, purchasable commodities developed and manufactured by...

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A one-person all-terrain vehicle that doubles as a personal watercraft. I don't like these studious, clinical terms for the Quadski, which is better described as a fat amphibious wad of adrenaline with a BMW engine. Gibbs'...

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Darkfin Gloves

$25.95 from DarkfinGloves.com »

Ever wondered what it might be like to have webbed fingers? Wonder no longer. These durable latex rubber gloves will have you flying by other frogs in the water. Perfect for SCUBA diving, swimming, surfing, and even jumping...

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SCOUT Carbon Paramotor

Sold Out from Amazon »

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Despite their being shaped like big Os, I'm not sure about Big-O as a name for these stunt skates. I'm pretty sure if I were to try them, the words "Big O" would not be at the forefront of my mind. I'd call mine Big I...

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$14.84 from Amazon »

The title What Doesn't Kill Us: How Freezing Water, Extreme Altitude and Environmental Conditioning Will Renew Our Lost Evolutionary Strength pretty much does it for a synopsis of investigative journalist Scott Carney's...