William Shakespeare's Star Wars

By: on July 22, 2013
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Previously, I didn't think it was possible for Luke to sound like any more of a dipshit when he spoke, but I bet throwing in some iambic pentameter will prove me wrong. Adoring fans, get your bookshelves and e-readers ready. William Shakespeare's Star Wars has landed, and you're about to experience Episode IV: A New Hope as you've never experienced it during your 9,478 experiences with it before.

In William Shakespeare's Star Wars, presumed Shakespearean scholar and obvious nerd Ian Doescher retells George Lucas' original masterpiece in the rhythmic jive talk of Avon's most prolific Bard. Teachers take note: if you're hoping to persuade, or even trick, your students into reading this school year, might I recommend assigning them the Star Wars approach to Elizabethan storytelling. Just look at some of what Doescher's spin has to offer:

Obi-Wan Kenobi...I suspect
Old Ben Kenobi he doth mean, perhaps.
First droids, then tales of battles fought in space,
And now a damsel cries in beams of light!
Did ever destiny come knocking thus?

I beg thy pardon, Sir, but know'st though aught
Of what he speaks?

I know not any man
Nam'd Ob-Wan Kenobi, yet old Ben
Resides beyond the Dune Sea, and there dwells
Much like a hermit, strange and lone.

See?! Enriching and compelling. And we haven't even gotten to Yoda yet. Oh man, Yoda and his backwards sentence structuring merged with Shakespearean language and the metrical line of traditional verse drama? We all better eat our Wheaties before diving into the sequels to this linguistic and intergalactic ass-kicking adventure.

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