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Putin Riding a Bear Action Figure

By: on April 19, 2016
$74.95
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Chuck Norris was like, "Uh, Vladimir Putin just asked if he could see my bear, and then hopped on and rode off on it," and Robert Kraft was like, "Yeah, join the club, dude! He did the same thing with my Super Bowl XXXIX ring!"

And so Chuck did join the club. Actually, he started it because Kraft was just being idiomatic in his response, but Chuck Norris doesn't F around with cliched turns of phrase. It's called Victims of Vladimir Putin's Kleptomania, and its emblem is this action figure of Putin riding a bear. Chuck Norris' bear. Which he still hasn't gotten back.

If you too would like to join the Victims of Vladimir Putin's Kleptomania Club, you can purchase the hand-painted resin statue to show your solidarity. Also, a portion of the funds from all Putin Riding a Bear action figures sold will go toward Chuck Norris' purchase of a plane ticket to Russia.

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Cute Ass Animals Underwear

$35 - $56 from Etsy »

Etsy vendor Nichola's Knickerockers, underwear with adorable animal faces strategically sewn across one of my favorite places on earth, are pricey. But to all ladies who often get mistaken for Victoria's Secret models...

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World's Smallest Violin

$12.95 from Amazon »

This is the world's smallest violin, and I'm gonna play it just for you...whiners! So many whiners! At work. On the road. At the checkout line. In my inbox. And the biggest one of all: right there in my bathroom mirror....

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How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety

$12 from Amazon »

A must-read for every cat parent! How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism, and Other Dangers That Threaten Their Nine Lives consolidates 8 crucial public service pamphlets into a clear...

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Samurai Pet Armor for Cats & Dogs

Don't let that samurai-armored Shiba Inu's smile fool you. The dog is ready for feudal Japan levels of combat. See his samurai sword? Hiding there in his mouth? If I were you I'd armor up, find a weapon, and brace yourself....

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Anonymously Send Sh*t

Discontinued

If you know a lot of assholes, you know what it's like to deal with their shit. Now, it's time to return the favor. ShitSenders.com enables the shat upon to send steaming piles of Don't get mad, get even to inconsiderate...

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Boob Cube

Sold Out from Amazon »

The Boob Cube is for idiots. And for geniuses. And for idiots who want to convince people they're really geniuses. And for geniuses you want to make feel like idiots. So, yeah, pretty much an ideal gift for any person...

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Feisty Pets Santa Bear

$19.99 from Amazon »

Remember Feisty Pets? The sweet-to-snarling stuffed animals are celebrating the holiday season with a Feisty Santa Bear, the ultimate cuddly teddy who can turn vicious grizzly in the blink of an eye. Or, more accurately...

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Frosty the Eunuch Ugly Christmas Sweater

$59.95 from Amazon »

Ugly Christmas Sweater season is here. The days, they have shortened. The temperatures, they have dropped. And the Tipsy Elves, they have knitted. The tacky, silly, funny, and dirty entries in their 2017 sweater line...

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Silence of the Lambs Hannibal Lecter Action Figures

$269 from Blitzway »

I had forgotten I started working on this Hannibal Lecter Action Figure post and left my computer for a few hours to eat some sloppy joes and self-serve fro yo, and when I came back I was looking right into the muzzled...

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How to Be a Drug Dealer

$7.99 from Amazon »

If Breaking Bad didn't provide enough of an education, How to Be a Drug Dealer should fill in any gaps left in your study to achieve proficiency and realize success in your pursuit of the street pharmacist profession....

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Cereal Killer Bowl

Sold Out from Amazon »

Decimate the Froot Loops, eradicate the Frosted Flakes, eliminate all traces of Trix with the Cereal Killer Bowl. Those Charms may be Lucky before the box is opened, but once once they hit your Dexter-approved bowl, it's...

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Dartz Prombron Black Shark SpyKar

Almost more than I would recommend checking out Russian car maker Dartz's Prombron Black Shark--a vehicle they term the world's first real SpyKar--I would recommend checking out what Dartz head Leo Yankelovich has to...