The Worst Christmas Gifts

Posted: December 25, 2012

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Have yourself a merry little Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus/day of gorging fat and sugar. Here's hoping it doesn't include the transmission or reception of any of the following Worst. Gifts. Ever.

8. Gift Cards. Hey, I'll give you a gift card for Urban Outfitters and you give me one for Best Buy. Or, let's save ourselves the trips to retail hell and $3.95 in gas and just exchange $20 bills.

7. Prank Pack Gift Boxes. Actually, recipients only perceive these to be the worst gift ever upon opening them. After perusing the photos and writing on the box, and trying to hide their confusion and weirded outness, you'll tell them it's a big joke, and their actual gift--a $25 Amazon card--is inside.

6. Trinkets. This basically encompasses anything from Hallmark and your trip to Australia. Trinkets should be outlawed. Particularly those in pastel colors with a cherubic aura. If you're going to buy cheap crap, at least make it Star Wars themed.

5. Exercise Equipment. My dad gave my mom a stairclimber for Christmas one year. She's not even fat. It was awkward. She was pissed. Skinny and pissed. If it's not something with a hook that doesn't scream, "Get off your ass, Tubby!", such as these wickedly cool Demon Bells, stay away from anything that could be construed as passing judgment.

4. Covert Gifts to Oneself. Dudes, ladies really do not want a 50" 1080p 600Hz HD 3D plasma TV that will be used predominantly by you to watch the NFL playoffs. And ladies, dudes don't want a 12-week-old Yorkie. I don't care if it's on sale for $699.99, or if it's so itty bitty it will fit inside your ray gun rocket mug.

3. Canned Air. I guess in all fairness, it's canned air from some of the most famous cites in the world. Paris. Venice. London. New York City. Of course, probably the only one that won't kill its recipient immediately upon inhalation with its foreign detritus is the can from Singapore. But if you breathe Singapore air in the wrong way, they'll cane you.

2. Framed Photos of Your Kids. Particularly when given to non-immediate family members. The perfect way to combine an extreme lack of thoughtfulness with extreme narcissism. Honestly, Aunt Jan, I'd rather have a turd.

1. A Cremation Ash Fireworks Memorial. Lined up and prepaid. Because I'm thinking about the future. And I'm an asshole.

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