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Posted: Thursday, February 21, 2013
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Shark Slippers

Shark Slippers
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  • Shark Slippers

Although I find amputation as hilarious as the next guy, I have to draw the line at slippers parodying a shark biting off a human's foot, i.e., a threat that is real. Know who's laughing the hardest at this joke? The sharks. They're imagining a nice fillet o' foot and cackling their asses off. Boy do I hate sharks. I don't care if they patrol the oceans eating plastic bags and tin cans and all the other trash humans who maybe are deserving of having their feet bitten off deposit into them, their translucent eyes and lipless mouths filled with flesh-mutilating teeth will earn no accolades or patronage of their likenesses from me. You know what I'd like? I'd like some slippers of feet eating sharks. Now that would be some good material.

But for those of you more rational and less terrified of sharks than I, Penelope V. has crocheted a pair of slippers for you, your mom, your little brother, your Grandpa Joe, and your favorite bartender, Tiphiknee*. That's my extravagant way of saying yarn footies come in all adult and kid sizes.

*This is a real person's name. I didn't see the person, but I saw it written on an official form last week. At first I thought it was some Maori tribal appellation that made its way here from ancient Polynesia, but after staring at it for about 30 seconds I realized this chick's name is Tiffany. With a "ph" and a "knee". And I thought I'd seen it all with Le-a.

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