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Spider-Man Beanie

By: on October 04, 2013
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Pamela Joyce Tan-Javate would like to warn people who wear her Spider-Man beanie that, unlike real spiders and Spider-Men, you have only 2 eyes, not 8. So if you're going for the full Spidey effect with the adjustable eye mask down, it is best to avoid activities that require vision, such as driving, skiing, biking, skating, and reading a Snellen chart. Sadly, fighting crime completely enmasked could prove problematic as well.

On the flip side, the Spider-Man beanie's sight impairment properties could be a super addition to some undertakings. Honing aural and tactile prowess. Sleeping through classes or business meetings. Making out with someone woefully unattractive.

Alter ego beanies take 2 to 3 weeks to produce, so if you're ordering for an occasion, plan accordingly. And for those who prefer to perfect their superhero aesthetic without sacrificing one of their 5 senses, check out Tan-Javate's Ninja Turtles beanie; its mask has the same air of valiance and intrigue as Spider-Man's, and it also has eyeball holes.

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Crocheted Knight Helmet

$19.99 - $26 from Amazon »

Medieval knight helmets. That's what hip nanas who know what it means to give their grandsons street cred crochet. Now I don't know if Dee Forrest is a grandma, but she's definitely privy to what the cool kids these days...

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Stetson Carbon Fiber Fedora

Know when I could have used a carbon fiber fedora? Nope, that's not a question dripping in sarcasm whose answer is "Never." I really could have used a carbon fiber fedora last week when my girlfriend dragged me to some...

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Electronic Spidey Sense Shirt

$39.99 from ThinkGeek »

Good news for men itching for superpowers but hesitant to accept the body-suctioning spandex--and in this case noxious spider bite--that often accompanies them. The Marvel Electronic Spidey-Sense T-Shirt grants a heightened...

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Kids Ultimate Bearded Beanie

Discontinued

The bearded beanie is a perfect way to keep your kid warm and make him look like he has a beard. I have a feeling that it is also a great way to torment your kid, give him an itchy face, and possibly have lasting effects...

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Princess Leia Beanie

$29.99 from Etsy »

The Princess Leia Beanie is buns o' fun. Wah, wah. Well, what else can we say? Star Wars fans gotta like it by proxy, Stitch 'N' Bitch circle members gotta like it by definition, and girls gotta like it 'cause it's warm...

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Ninja Turtles Beanie

$35 from Etsy »

If given the choice between the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Bra and Miss Pamela's Ninja Turtles beanie, most men would probably choose the beanie for themselves and the bra for all ladies. But not me. I would choose...

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LED Dome Light Beanie

Sold Out from Amazon »

Athletic apparel brand Nathan's Dome Light beanie has a strip of LEDs on both its front and back sides so that other people can watch where I'm going and get out of my way. Because when dusk falls I'm usually otherwise...

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Marvel Superhero Brownie Pan

Discontinued

I don't know shit about baking, but I know plenty about eating. And these are gonna taste better than your average cupcake or brownie. And if they don't you can smash them into each other and see which one is the toughest....

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Spider-Man Webbed Sunglasses

$219.95 from Sunglass Hut »

Maui Jim originally made these Special Edition Kekoa sunglasses for the Amazing Spider-Man, but the Amazing Spider-Man was all, "I'm the Amazing Spider-Man! I don't need no stinkin' UV protection! Also, I have four times...

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Santa Beard Beanie

$45 from Beard Beanie »

Ho, ho ho, yo. It's a kitschy hipster beanie hipster kitsched up a little more with the addition of a festive Santa Claus red knit hat and white beard. I've seen quite a few of these making the Web rounds this season...

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Bloody Beanies

Excuse me, sir, but I think you have an open contusion with a protruding eyeball the size of my daughter's face on the side of your head. Halloween be damned. Bloody Beanies were invented for anyone who wants to stay...