A Geek's Gift Guide of Gadgets, Gear and Novelties    * Updated daily

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Wednesday, March 12, 2014
$40 from Etsy »

Panda bears have a notoriously low sex drive in captivity. Some of them don't even seem to know how to do it. Zookeepers must spend countless hours showing pandas bear porn and demo videos to light the fire below their bellies*....

Tuesday, November 20, 2012
$19.99 - $26 from Amazon »

Medieval knight helmets. That's what hip nanas who know what it means to give their grandsons street cred crochet. Now I don't know if Dee Forrest is a grandma, but she's definitely privy to what the cool kids these days are...

Thursday, July 11, 2013
$59.95 from Hibermate »

I love it when girls wear ear muffs. Especially big furry white ones. They give them that irresistible look of sophistication meets special needs kid. Ear muffs on guys, though? Eh. Not really acceptable. Maybe, maybe we can get away with it while sleeping. But who would want to put bulbous protrusions over his ears and then lie down in bed? According to Hibermate and their new sleep mask-ear muff...

Saturday, November 17, 2012
$9.82 - $23.95 from Amazon »

Ladies, if Griz Coats are too big, too masculine, or too covering of the neck down for you (read: for me), how about one of these minxy little animal hoodies? Most of them even extend along the shoulders into a cozy pair of...

Thursday, June 13, 2013
$30 from Amazon »

I thought maybe SleepPhones blocked out the sounds of snoring and garbage trucks and sirens and stupid F'ing songbirds with some sort of industrial acoustic insulation woven inside their fleece headband, but the self-described...

Thursday, March 28, 2013
$79.99 - $84.99 from BriAbby »

My grandma used to crochet me things. Yeah, used to. Like she used to make me waffles from scratch. Then she got lazy and just hoped I wouldn't notice when she started replacing the once bountiful discs cratered with crispy, hot-off-the-iron square reservoirs with limp, lackluster Eggos she popped out of the toaster. They were always still frozen in the center, Nana! Needless to say, I had to get...

Friday, January 6, 2012
$5 from Ravelry »

Too stoic to wear your heart on your sleeve? Then wear your frontal lobe on your Bieber side-swept bangs! The "brainchild" of a self-proclaimed starving medical student, this clever, kitschy knitting pattern will earn you...

Saturday, July 20, 2013
$195 from Goorin Bros. »

I'm pretty sure Macklemore, that Caucasian rapper from the Pacific Northwest, spoke of this hat in his song about wearing your grampy's coat and purchasing clothes from a thrift shop. Funny how milliner Goorin Bros. can smack...

Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Discontinued

The bearded beanie is a perfect way to keep your kid warm and make him look like he has a beard. I have a feeling that it is also a great way to torment your kid, give him an itchy face, and possibly have lasting effects on...

Sunday, February 10, 2013
$35 from Etsy »

If given the choice between the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Bra and Miss Pamela's Ninja Turtles beanie, most men would probably choose the beanie for themselves and the bra for all ladies. But not me. I would choose the beanie...

If bat shit looked like 1000mW of ice-blue lightning, the S3 Spyder III Arctic Laser would be the physical manifestation of bat shit crazy. As it stands, the world's most powerful laser is just fuckin' nuts. Wicked Lasers' (absolutely, 100% legal) handheld bolt of pure spectral power counts amongst its marketable skills the ability to: Sear through ornery plastic, pop bitch-ass balloons, burn continuously, 24/7, without sustaining damage to its laser diode, function in 9 different operating modes, including Strobe, Constant Wave, SOS, Beacon, and Tactical Hibernation, emit 0.25 Lux of light at a distance of 6,856 meters, turn anyone it hits in the eye at a distance of 149 meters or less into Ray Charles, minus the musical talent and soul.

And if that weren't enough to get it laid every day for the duration of its 5,000+-hour serviceable life, Guinness is currently testing the S3 Arctic for the official title of World's Most Powerful Laser.

The S3 Arctic Series Laser resides in an aircraft grade aluminum chassis that's smaller than a standard flashlight.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Sold Out from Amazon »

Athletic apparel brand Nathan's Dome Light beanie has a strip of LEDs on both its front and back sides so that other people can watch where I'm going and get out of my way. Because when dusk falls I'm usually otherwise occupied...

Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Sold Out from Etsy »

The Princess Leia Beanie is buns o' fun. Wah, wah. Well, what else can we say? Star Wars fans gotta like it by proxy, Stitch 'N' Bitch circle members gotta like it by definition, and girls gotta like it 'cause it's warm, and...

Tuesday, May 7, 2013
$19.95 from Hoodie Pillow »

Shark Tank strikes again. The Hoodie Pillow, another concept first introduced on ABC's entrepreneurial cattle call, has debuted a travel version of its fleece snooze-time companion. In this case, the namesake hood connects...

Tuesday, September 27, 2011
$350 from Etsy »

The helmet is a beautiful dense plastic replica of a Thor Helmet with custom stand. The aluminum flame tubes are raised above the helmet so that there is no heat transfer from the tubes to the helmet. There is a simple flow...

Friday, October 4, 2013
Sold Out from Etsy »

Pamela Joyce Tan-Javate would like to warn people who wear her Spider-Man beanie that, unlike real spiders and Spider-Men, you have only 2 eyes, not 8. So if you're going for the full Spidey effect with the adjustable eye...

Wednesday, November 21, 2012
$24.99 from Amazon »

What can I say, the shitter was full. Fans of A Christmas Story and the craptastic It's a Wonderful Life may flog me, but I stand by the following statement: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is the best holiday movie...

Tuesday, January 29, 2013
$200 from Martin Backes »

Suck it, Facebook! For a mere $200, Pixelhead will guarantee I never again have to worry about my boss' boss' boss finding his Timeline filled with photos of me double Boobs Ice Luging it with his 22-year-old daughter. Even...

Sunday, July 15, 2012
$24.99 from Amazon »

Here we have the one single thing* Back to the Future II got right in its big-screen predictions for the 2010s: trippy-looking neon spectrums are indeed the current rage. The pillow, the double rainbow hula hoop, and now the...

Sunday, October 14, 2012
$69.99 - $89.95 from Emoki »

Emokis will make your ears perk up. Or droop down. Or wiggle back and forth. All based on your emotions, as transmitted via your brainwaves to a Necomimi headset sensory device attached to the furry animal audibles. Yes, in...

Saturday, August 27, 2011
$24.95 - $34.95 from Amazon »

The time honored tradition of taking an empty twelve pack box and wearing it for a hat to impress women has finally been standardized. These hats are made from real beer boxes and are officially licensed. These are actually...

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Excuse me, sir, but I think you have an open contusion with a protruding eyeball the size of my daughter's face on the side of your head. Halloween be damned. Bloody Beanies were invented for anyone who wants to stay warm...

Monday, December 10, 2012
$45 from Beard Beanie »

Ho, ho ho, yo. It's a kitschy hipster beanie hipster kitsched up a little more with the addition of a festive Santa Claus red knit hat and white beard. I've seen quite a few of these making the Web rounds this season, but...

Monday, October 31, 2011
$710 from SPFX Masks »

I've been wanting to resemble an inbred my entire life. It's a difficult look to pull off though.... convincingly at least. And without the look, my hopes of heading off into the sunset of the foothills of West Virginia, Deliverance...

Wednesday, September 14, 2011
$29.99 from HBO »

When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom, multi-million dollar deals, endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my shit. Just a man with a mind for victory...

Monday, January 2, 2012
Sold Out from Etsy »

Things that have withstood the test of time: Star Wars; synthetic hair; cunning women's ability to lure horny men by donning Princess Leia cinnamon buns. New to the mix is that these spirals o' power are useful too. Permanently...

Saturday, October 20, 2012
Discontinued

My grandma used to like to call people she was pissed at turkeys, so this knit Turkey Hat holds a special place in the nostalgic part of my heart. If a lady wore this I wonder would it still be inappropriate to ask to touch...

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