Headwear

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Safe Eyes Mesh No-Fog Safety Goggles

$28.99 from Amazon »

The dust is kicked up from here to next Tuesday! The fit's hitting the shan! Save yourself from unidentified flying objects! Safe Eyes Mesh Safety Goggles won't help when the figurative dust and fit, or alien-inhabited...

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Stetson Carbon Fiber Fedora

Know when I could have used a carbon fiber fedora? Nope, that's not a question dripping in sarcasm whose answer is "Never." I really could have used a carbon fiber fedora last week when my girlfriend dragged me to some...

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Blackout Bands - Sleep Mask Sunglasses

$19.99 from Blackout Bands »

Three things: 1) Welcome to 2016; 2) I've got a little something for your hangover. Especially if you have to open your eyes today; and 3) Kellan Lutz isn't a vampire, but he does play one in the worst movies in the history...

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Men's Dino Hood

$54 from Etsy »

Mr. Stegosaurus, what soft scales you have. The better to nuzzle you with, my dear. And Mr. Stegosaurus, what flappy spikes you have. The better not to impale you with, my dear. And Mr. Stegosaurus, what hipster-humanlike...

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Carbon Fiber & Kevlar Motorcycle Helmet

$189.99 from Amazon »

Get Lost Helmets has just released this German-style dome protector woven from a blend of carbon fiber and Kevlar. Though not DOT-rated, they say it's pretty strong. As in, "It can be ran over with a truck, and not even...

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Heroes Never Sleep Sleep Masks

Unless you're jacked up on the caffeine and dinoflagellates in Power Glow you may need some shuteye every now and then, but superheroes? Superheroes never sleep!* And now for a mere handful of US dollars, they are willing...

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LightMode Bike Helmet EL Kits

$69 - $72 from LightMode »

We've seen simultaneous nods to motorcycle safety and TRON light cycles with bike wheel lights. LightMode kits propose something similar with bike helmet lights. More specifically, ropes of EL material riders DIY around...

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DIY Cardboard Masks

$7.41 from Etsy »

If you've left costume planning for your Halloween, or Eyes Wide Shut, party to the 11th hour, Steve Wintercroft may have a downloadable solution for you. I say "may" because his nifty animal, skull, and humanoid masks...

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Emoji Masks

$5 - $15 from Emoji Masks »

Only Emojis make it possible to text friends realistic piles of steaming poo, and only Emoji Masks make it acceptable to call them shitheads. Wearing one for costume parties gets two Thumbs Up and three Grin Emojis; wearing...

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Dry Erase Rally Flip Caps

$26.10 from Rally Flip Cap »

Dry Erase Snapback Rally Flip Caps are kind of like bumper stickers for your head. Except they don't stick there permanently until you scrape them off with Avon products and razor blades. Available in 6-panel, trucker...

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Pandito Balaclava

Discontinued

Panda bears have a notoriously low sex drive in captivity. Some of them don't even seem to know how to do it. Zookeepers must spend countless hours showing pandas bear porn and demo videos to light the fire below their...

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Spider-Man Beanie

Sold Out from Etsy »

Pamela Joyce Tan-Javate would like to warn people who wear her Spider-Man beanie that, unlike real spiders and Spider-Men, you have only 2 eyes, not 8. So if you're going for the full Spidey effect with the adjustable...

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LED Dome Light Beanie

Sold Out from Amazon »

Athletic apparel brand Nathan's Dome Light beanie has a strip of LEDs on both its front and back sides so that other people can watch where I'm going and get out of my way. Because when dusk falls I'm usually otherwise...

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Breaking Bad Heisenberg Hat

$195 from Goorin Bros. »

I'm pretty sure Macklemore, that Caucasian rapper from the Pacific Northwest, spoke of this hat in his song about wearing your grampy's coat and purchasing clothes from a thrift shop. Funny how milliner Goorin Bros. can...

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Hibermate Sleeping Ear Muffs

$59.95 from Hibermate »

I love it when girls wear ear muffs. Especially big furry white ones. They give them that irresistible look of sophistication meets special needs kid. Ear muffs on guys, though? Eh. Not really acceptable. Maybe, maybe...

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SleepPhones

$39.95 from Amazon »

I thought maybe SleepPhones blocked out the sounds of snoring and garbage trucks and sirens and stupid F'ing songbirds with some sort of industrial acoustic insulation woven inside their fleece headband, but the self-described...

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Travel Hoodie Pillow

$19.95 from Hoodie Pillow »

Shark Tank strikes again. The Hoodie Pillow, another concept first introduced on ABC's entrepreneurial cattle call, has debuted a travel version of its fleece snooze-time companion. In this case, the namesake hood connects...

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Crocheted Optimus Prime Helmet

Discontinued

My grandma used to crochet me things. Yeah, used to. Like she used to make me waffles from scratch. Then she got lazy and just hoped I wouldn't notice when she started replacing the once bountiful discs cratered with...

Everyday Carry: Carbon Fiber Edition
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Ninja Turtles Beanie

$35 from Etsy »

If given the choice between the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Bra and Miss Pamela's Ninja Turtles beanie, most men would probably choose the beanie for themselves and the bra for all ladies. But not me. I would choose...

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Pixelhead

$200 from Martin Backes »

Suck it, Facebook! For a mere $200, Pixelhead will guarantee I never again have to worry about my boss' boss' boss finding his Timeline filled with photos of me double Boobs Ice Luging it with his 22-year-old daughter....

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Santa Beard Beanie

$45 from Beard Beanie »

Ho, ho ho, yo. It's a kitschy hipster beanie hipster kitsched up a little more with the addition of a festive Santa Claus red knit hat and white beard. I've seen quite a few of these making the Web rounds this season...

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Christmas Vacation Cousin Eddie Hat

$24.99 from Amazon »

What can I say, the shitter was full. Fans of A Christmas Story and the craptastic It's a Wonderful Life may flog me, but I stand by the following statement: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is the best holiday movie...

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Crocheted Knight Helmet

$19.99 - $26 from Amazon »

Medieval knight helmets. That's what hip nanas who know what it means to give their grandsons street cred crochet. Now I don't know if Dee Forrest is a grandma, but she's definitely privy to what the cool kids these days...

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Animal Hoodies

$9.82 - $23.95 from Amazon »

Ladies, if Griz Coats are too big, too masculine, or too covering of the neck down for you (read: for me), how about one of these minxy little animal hoodies? Most of them even extend along the shoulders into a cozy pair...

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Turkey Hat

Discontinued

My grandma used to like to call people she was pissed at turkeys, so this knit Turkey Hat holds a special place in the nostalgic part of my heart. If a lady wore this I wonder would it still be inappropriate to ask to...

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Emoki Mind-Powered Animal Ears

$69.99 - $89.95 from Emoki »

Emokis will make your ears perk up. Or droop down. Or wiggle back and forth. All based on your emotions, as transmitted via your brainwaves to a Necomimi headset sensory device attached to the furry animal audibles. Yes...

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Bloody Beanies

Excuse me, sir, but I think you have an open contusion with a protruding eyeball the size of my daughter's face on the side of your head. Halloween be damned. Bloody Beanies were invented for anyone who wants to stay...

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Marty McFly Hat

$21.46 from Amazon »

Here we have the one single thing* Back to the Future II got right in its big-screen predictions for the 2010s: trippy-looking neon spectrums are indeed the current rage. The pillow, the double rainbow hula hoop, and...

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Princess Leia Beanie

$29.99 from Etsy »

The Princess Leia Beanie is buns o' fun. Wah, wah. Well, what else can we say? Star Wars fans gotta like it by proxy, Stitch 'N' Bitch circle members gotta like it by definition, and girls gotta like it 'cause it's warm...

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Brain Hat

$5 from Ravelry »

Too stoic to wear your heart on your sleeve? Then wear your frontal lobe on your Bieber side-swept bangs! The "brainchild" of a self-proclaimed starving medical student, this clever, kitschy knitting pattern will earn...

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Princess Leia Bun Headphone Covers

Sold Out from Etsy »

Things that have withstood the test of time: Star Wars; synthetic hair; cunning women's ability to lure horny men by donning Princess Leia cinnamon buns. New to the mix is that these spirals o' power are useful too. Permanently...

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The Inbred Silicone Mask

$710 from SPFX Masks »

I've been wanting to resemble an inbred my entire life. It's a difficult look to pull off though...convincingly at least. And without the look, my hopes of heading off into the sunset of the foothills of West Virginia...

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Flaming Thor Helmet

Discontinued

The helmet is a beautiful dense plastic replica of a Thor Helmet with custom stand. The aluminum flame tubes are raised above the helmet so that there is no heat transfer from the tubes to the helmet. There is a simple...

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Kids Ultimate Bearded Beanie

Discontinued

The bearded beanie is a perfect way to keep your kid warm and make him look like he has a beard. I have a feeling that it is also a great way to torment your kid, give him an itchy face, and possibly have lasting effects...

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Kenny Powers Mullet Cap

$29.99 from HBO »

When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom, multi-million dollar deals, endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my shit. Just a man with a mind for...

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Beer Box Cowboy Hats

$24.95 - $34.95 from Amazon »

The time honored tradition of taking an empty twelve pack box and wearing it for a hat to impress women has finally been standardized. These hats are made from real beer boxes and are officially licensed. These are actually...