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Blizzident - 6-Second Toothbrush

By: on October 02, 2013
$299
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It looks like someone put the inside of a sea urchin on the inside of a mouthpiece, but if Blizzident really works, I wouldn't care if it looked like one of the McPoyle brothers' armpits. I'll be able to brush my teeth--and actually get them clean--in 6 seconds. Just by biting and grinding, which I do all day long with food or my fingernails anyway!

Blizzident toothbrushes are tailored to individual mouths--the ordering process entails a visit to your dentist for teeth impressions or 3D scanning (an additional $75 to $200)--and require just a drop of toothpaste to "automatically clean all teeth perfectly, always." Once inserted, the biting and chewing motions swoosh around Blizzident's bristles not only to remove plaque, but also to floss teeth and clean the tongue simultaneously. After 6 seconds, teeth are Orbitz-girl sparkly, gums are safe from the harsh pressure of a standard toothbrush, and breath rankness is eliminated.

According to Blizzident, users who chomp for 4 seconds longer achieve the effects of an entire 3 extra minutes of brushing with a manual toothbrush, and 2 minutes with an electric head. Ten Blizzident seconds equate to around 6 minutes of hand brushing.

Blizzident mouthpieces use no batteries or electricity, and have no breakable parts. They are 100% recyclable, made from biocompatible plastics. The downside: cost. After getting your mouth rendering, the Blizzident will run you another $299. And they last for only a year. Replacements cost $159 a pop. Or you can buy a refurbished Blizzident for $89, the thought of which makes me want to throw up in my mouth and just swish it around for 6 seconds because I'm pretty sure using someone else's old toothbrush wouldn't feel much different I don't care how much it's been sanitized and "fixed up like new."

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