Shittens

When you're sittin' on the john and the toilet paper's gone, be a man, use your hand...or get some Shittens. Protecting ourselves from fecal matter should be a priority right up there with wearing sunscreen and planning for retirement. Shit is gross. That's why it's the star of biting zingers such as "Shithead," "Shit for brains," "Eat shit and die," and "Who the F anonymously sent me this pile of gorilla shit?" My guess: if you asked most people whether they'd rather have blood or shit on their hands, there would be a long pause (if it's Eric the ~~Actor~~ Midget, a very long pause) for contemplation prior to the answer. The blood, after all, is metaphorical.

Still, whether it be our dog's, our kid's, Time Sabean's all over the bathroom walls, or our own, we must all face, deal with, and occasionally finger our fair share of shit in life.

Shittens acknowledge this conundrum and, more importantly, endeavor to eradicate it. Though still in prototype form reminiscent of the construction paper pillows I sewed together with yarn in kindergarten, Shittens have launched an Indiegogo campaign to raise funds for their full-scale production. Described as moist towelette wiping gloves with perforations for easy removal, I envision them as a sort of flushable condom that protects the other body part most likely to encounter errant streaks, chunks, and I-probably-shouldn't-have-eaten-at-that-Mexican-food-truck liquefaction.

Shittens--which plan to adopt the name "Schmittens" should they reach the mainstream--thank Howard Stern, Shark Tank's Mark Cuban, and bullshitters-turned-no-shitters Richie Wilson and Rachel Fine for their trek towards realization. Cuban recently appeared in a segment of Stern's show (video above) and entertained quasi-serious product pitches from the latter's staff. He didn't hate the idea of a whole-hand ass wiper and poop scooper, but told Richie to come back to him with a company and business plan. You, people of the crowd funding realm, are the keys to a Shittens company and business plan.

With hopes of raising $50,000 by April 21, 2013, Shittens offers backing levels of $25 to $1,000, none of which return an actual pair of Shittens, but rather rewards along the lines of thank-you cards written with clean hands, phone calls, and drinks with the Shittens founders. Should Richie and Rachel reach their funding goal, a full-scale production and global distribution of Shittens will begin--presumably with or without the help of Mark Cuban.

Shittens

Shittens Gifts