By: on February 23, 2013
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When you're sittin' on the john and the toilet paper's gone, be a man, use your hand...or get some Shittens. Protecting ourselves from fecal matter should be a priority right up there with wearing sunscreen and planning for retirement. Shit is gross. That's why it's the star of biting zingers such as "Shithead," "Shit for brains," "Eat shit and die," and "Who the F anonymously sent me this pile of gorilla shit?" My guess: if you asked most people whether they'd rather have blood or shit on their hands, there would be a long pause (if it's Eric the Actor Midget, a very long pause) for contemplation prior to the answer. The blood, after all, is metaphorical.

Still, whether it be our dog's, our kid's, or our own, we must all face, deal with, and occasionally finger our fair share of shit in life.

Shittens acknowledge this conundrum and, more importantly, endeavor to eradicate it. Though still in prototype form reminiscent of the construction paper pillows I sewed together with yarn in kindergarten, Shittens have launched an Indiegogo campaign to raise funds for their full-scale production. Described as moist towelette wiping gloves with perforations for easy removal, I envision them as a sort of flushable condom that protects the other body part most likely to encounter errant streaks, chunks, and I-probably-shouldn't-have-eaten-at-that-Mexican-food-truck liquefaction.

Shittens thank Howard Stern, Shark Tank's Mark Cuban, and bullshitters-turned-no-shitters Richie Wilson and Rachel Fine for their initial trek towards realization. Several months ago, Cuban appeared in a segment of Stern's show (video above) and entertained quasi-serious product pitches from the latter's staff. He didn't hate the idea of a whole-hand ass wiper and poop scooper, but told Richie to come back to him with a company and business plan.

After seeking crowdfunding during an Indiegogo campaign, Richie and Fine did Cuban one better: they produced and launched their line of Shittens themselves. Now available "for baby, for pets, for Grandpa, for you" are 20-packs of wet nap white gloves that will render the entire surface area of your hand the Winston Wolf of cleaning shit up.

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Sh*t Gold Pills

$425 from CITIZEN:Citizen »

It may still stink, but ingest a couple of these 24K capsules, and your shit will look as handsome as a pile of gold. Tobias Wong and J.A.R.K. (Ju$t Another Rich Kid) created the Gold Pills as part of their INDULGENCE...

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Anonymously Send Sh*t


If you know a lot of assholes, you know what it's like to deal with their shit. Now, it's time to return the favor. ShitSenders.com enables the shat upon to send steaming piles of Don't get mad, get even to inconsiderate...

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PongTu Disposable Sticker Toilet Plunger

$12.88 from Amazon »

To truly get how the PongTu Disposable Sticker Toilet Plunger works, you've got to watch the video. Granted, it's not the best quality, and if you're like me you'll get a little caught up on, How many times is that dude...

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Subtle Butt Disposable Gas Neutralizers

$12.95 from Amazon »

At printing, Subtle Butt Disposable Gas Neutralizers had 14 reviews on Amazon, and every single one of them contained both a serious critical analysis of the product's smell-quelling efficacy, and an insightful comment...

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Windi the Gaspasser Gas & Colic Reliever

$14.99 from Amazon »

Windi the Gaspasser is one of those WTF products I as a childless dude saw and immediately thought was, in this order: a funny joke; a disgusting not-joke; a sad reality. You basically stick this little (un)plug in your...

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Piqapoo Self-Collecting Poop Bag

$29 - $35 from Piqapoo »

On the one hand, clipping a Piqapoo self-collecting poop bag to your dog's butt exceeds injury cone and Chia Pet costume levels of shaming him. But on the other hand, you've spent the last X years following him around...

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The Odorless Toilet Fan

$169.95 from Amazon »

The Odorless Toilet Fan claims to be "the #1 way to eliminate #2 odor." The unit installs inside your toilet tank to inhale all the foul-smelling air your bowel movements produce so you don't have to....

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The Shit Box

$22 from Firebox.com »

For some, the rush of peace and relaxation associated with smoking marijuana are unparalleled. So when innovative people who are desperate to toke out find themselves without a prefabricated bong or pipe, they improvise...

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Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop

$9.86 from Amazon »

Both the best and the worst part about the Kama Pootra is that many of its 52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop turn a visit to the crapper into a group activity. I mean, on the one hand, who couldn't use a little help pinching...

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TravelJohn Disposable Personal Urinals

$12.47 from Amazon »

TravelJohn Disposable Urinals are for everyone who's gotta go. Just look at the box. Men, women, and children alike with knees knocking, thighs constricting, and hands holding on tight can take relief in taking a whizz...

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Lucky Golden Poo

$18 - $45 from Shapeways »

While some feel pooing gold provides the rectal rush of a lifetime, others find its one-and-done nature too fleeting. It's in, 4 hours to 3 days later it's out, and then it's over. For those in this latter group of precious...

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Poo-Pourri Master Crapsman Gift Set

$21.95 from Amazon »

Poo-Pourri, the spritz-before-you-shitz toilet spray, has put together several stench-fighting 2-packs ripe for the giving spirit of the holiday season. Since most of us around here are both dudes and fans of Punderdome...