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Catzilla Sweatshirt

By: on October 24, 2013
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The Catzilla sweatshirt's manufacturer got me all hyped naming their bitchin' piece of runway domination the "Catzilla sweatshirt," but then pulled a Ben Stiller movie and stunk it up on the garment's description: "Sweatshirt with a sublimation print of a monster cat attacking a city." Seriously? That's worse than Little Fockers.

Where are my sweatshirt usage disclaimers? My warnings of the feline reign of terror that's about to descend upon my chest? Where is my Catzilla backstory?! I want a description of the raging puss' humble and happy beginnings on a dairy farm in Wisconsin. And the tale of the day the scientists moved in to cage all of the property's cats in a cavernous research facility beneath the barn. There they forced the helpless creatures to serve as test subjects for genetically modified milk.

The cats got sick, some dying instantly, others writhing for hours in pain as the experimental milk boiled their blood. One fateful night our terrified kitten lapped up a bucket overexposed to gamma radiation as he watched a snoozing on-duty scientist's Daft Punk Blu-ray play on constant loop in the background. The next morning, he was gone.

So was the dairy farm. Burned and leveled to an apocalyptic wasteland.

Catzilla was born.

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Your Pet's Nose Ring

$284.99 from Etsy »

I'm all for loving your pet...and your pet's nose. But your pet's nose as a ring? Even if the sweet pup or kitty has moved on to taller trees and bigger litter boxes, I'm not sure wearing a sterling silver cast of their...

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$20,000 Hypoallergenic Designer House Cat

Discontinued

The Ashera is possibly the only cat that is acceptable for a single male to own. Because it's about the size of an ocelot, and weighs 30 freakin' pounds. And that's 30 pounds of genetically-gifted muscle, not 30 pounds...

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Cat Battle Armor

$500 - $520 from Etsy »

Quick, someone get this cat a lance! He's scheduled to joust one of the guinea pigs from G-Force at high noon and only just finished his battle armor fitting. I don't know if he's ready for this. The pigs have been training...

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How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety

$8.55 from Amazon »

A must-read for every cat parent! How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism, and Other Dangers That Threaten Their Nine Lives consolidates 8 crucial public service pamphlets into a clear...

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Super Mario Tanooki Suit Hoodie

$58.63 from Amazon »

Mario's Tanooki Suit. Ten-year-old me could not wait to score the onesie that would give me the power to fly and turn to stone and look like I'm humping the air - or maybe little Toad was under there - on the Super Mario...

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Godzilla Humidifier

Godzilla and his hot, humidifying breath are coming for you! You and your flu season and your flaky skin and your dried-out sinus passageways! Arid climates can run and winter chills can hide, but none shall escape the...

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Samurai Pet Armor for Cats & Dogs

Don't let that samurai-armored Shiba Inu's smile fool you. The dog is ready for feudal Japan levels of combat. See his samurai sword? Hiding there in his mouth? If I were you I'd armor up, find a weapon, and brace yourself....

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Iron Throne Cat Bed

$198 from Etsy »

Is your cat the rightful heir to the FELIRON THRONE? A bright spot in my week of Game of Thrones withdrawal (2019? 2019?!) Kate Agafonova's Iron Throne Cat Bed invites kitties from all families - royals, wardens, lords...

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Taxidermy Animal Drones

When I first read about, but hadn't yet seen, Copter Company's taxidermy animal drones I though they just sounded kinda goofy. Then I got a look at the Orvillecopter here. A spread-eagle taxidermied quad-cat-ter flying...

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Wooden Cat Pile Stacking Game

$19.99 from Amazon »

This desktop-sized Wooden Cat Pile game is the only way I'd let another 6 cats in my house. The only! Do you hear that, She-Ra: Princess of Power? And agreeing even to that much is very generous of me. I can already see...

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Oscillot Cat Containment System

On first viewing of the Oscillot video you might think installing one of the spinning paddle perimeters along the top of your fence is like building a prison for your cat. Condemning him to being that inmate who gets...

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Exploding Kittens Card Game - NSFW Edition

$19.99 from Amazon »

Unlike run-of-the-mill kitten explosions, Exploding Kittens: NSFW Edition contains content that is not suitable for your workplace or children. And even though no one seems to be saying it, I'm guessing a card game featuring...