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Catzilla Sweatshirt

By: on October 24, 2013
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The Catzilla sweatshirt's manufacturer got me all hyped naming their bitchin' piece of runway domination the "Catzilla sweatshirt," but then pulled a Ben Stiller movie and stunk it up on the garment's description: "Sweatshirt with a sublimation print of a monster cat attacking a city." Seriously? That's worse than Little Fockers.

Where are my sweatshirt usage disclaimers? My warnings of the feline reign of terror that's about to descend upon my chest? Where is my Catzilla backstory?! I want a description of the raging puss' humble and happy beginnings on a dairy farm in Wisconsin. And the tale of the day the scientists moved in to cage all of the property's cats in a cavernous research facility beneath the barn. There they forced the helpless creatures to serve as test subjects for genetically modified milk.

The cats got sick, some dying instantly, others writhing for hours in pain as the experimental milk boiled their blood. One fateful night our terrified kitten lapped up a bucket overexposed to gamma radiation as he watched a snoozing on-duty scientist's Daft Punk Blu-ray play on constant loop in the background. The next morning, he was gone.

So was the dairy farm. Burned and leveled to an apocalyptic wasteland.

Catzilla was born.

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Samurai Pet Armor for Cats & Dogs

Don't let that samurai-armored Shiba Inu's smile fool you. The dog is ready for feudal Japan levels of combat. See his samurai sword? Hiding there in his mouth? If I were you I'd armor up, find a weapon, and brace yourself....

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$20,000 Hypoallergenic Designer House Cat

Discontinued

The Ashera is possibly the only cat that is acceptable for a single male to own. Because it's about the size of an ocelot, and weighs 30 freakin' pounds. And that's 30 pounds of genetically-gifted muscle, not 30 pounds...

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Cat Battle Armor

$500 - $520 from Etsy »

Quick, someone get this cat a lance! He's scheduled to joust one of the guinea pigs from G-Force at high noon and only just finished his battle armor fitting. I don't know if he's ready for this. The pigs have been training...

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Dog & Cat Temperament Leashes & Collars

$14.99 - $19.99 from Amazon »

Dexil's leashes and collars announce your dog or cat ahead of its licks and wags...or tucked tails...or snarls, hisses, claws, and teeth. The line of leads and restraints display pet temperament both by color and big...

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Cat Cool Pot Bed Pet Cooling Tray

Japan Trend Shop says the Cat Cool Pot Bed "functions as both a pet bed and as fun decoration to make your cat look cute." I thought they were going to say the dish made from "cooling aluminum" functions as both a cat...

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Taxidermy Animal Drones

When I first read about, but hadn't yet seen, Copter Company's taxidermy animal drones I though they just sounded kinda goofy. Then I got a look at the Orvillecopter here. A spread-eagle taxidermied quad-cat-ter flying...

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Oscillot Cat Containment System

On first viewing of the Oscillot video you might think installing one of the spinning paddle perimeters along the top of your fence is like building a prison for your cat. Condemning him to being that inmate who gets...

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Your Pet's Fur Watches

Wait! Don't throw away the dog fur you just lint rollered off the couch, or the cat hair you dug out of the vacuum cleaner filter! Stuff that cuddly wad of goodness into a Ziploc and ship it off to Analog Watch Co. They...

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Exploding Kittens Card Game - NSFW Edition

$19.99 from Amazon »

Unlike run-of-the-mill kitten explosions, Exploding Kittens: NSFW Edition contains content that is not suitable for your workplace or children. And even though no one seems to be saying it, I'm guessing a card game featuring...

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Show Me Your Kitty Panties

$10.90 from Etsy »

Cats hide in the darndest of places, don't they? Etsy shop owner Elena prints adorable images of kitties onto semi-sexy pairs of underwear to create the overall awesome effect of the literal cuddly creature ladies obsess...

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3D Printed Cat Armor

Now that the dog is Kevlared, spiked, and pokey bristled to the hilt with a CoyoteVest, it's time to turn your attention to armoring the cat. True, you've had the leather Cat Battle Armor option for a couple of years...

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Cat Ear Headphones

$150 from Axent Wear »

Know what a Berkeley education gets you? The ability to mastermind genius ideas like cat ear headphones. And also the impeccable taste to select an incredibly hot Asian girl to model them. UC Berkeley alumni Wenqing Yan...