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Wooden Bow Ties

By: on January 03, 2013
$45 - $65
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A Wooden Bow Tie delivers all of the fancy-fingerwork-not-required perks of a clip-on, without making its wearer just another schmo who showed up to the Garden State Inaugural Gala in a clip-on. Two Guys Bow Ties--comprising guys Adam T. and Tim P.--handcrafts their dapper neck enhancers from planks of exotic hardwoods. Over 20 styles, from smooth to striped to spotted, emerge from the likes of zebrawood, oak, maple, and bamboo.

The guys also take requests for custom designs and wood types. Want to turn your old floor, permeated with memories of the days when you had to sleep and hay roll on it, into neck wear for posterity? Done. How about a Grandpa's work bench or a Grandma's rocking chair bow tie? Stuck on what to get LeBron James for his birthday? Two Guys Bow Ties will happily carve him a number out of the Miami Heat basketball court. You, however, will be responsible for pilfering a chunk of it.

Wooden Bow Ties, like babies, have all been given names by their creators. So that when people inevitably comment on the dope butterfly-shaped planking so nicely setting off your Adam's apple, you can introduce said impeccable fashion sense as Darnell, Marvin, or Reginald.

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Vipukirves Leveraxe

Sold Out from Amazon »

Honestly, the Vipukirves Leveraxe initially intrigued me because the guy holding it in one of the above photos is wearing black-and-white gloves that sort of make him look like he has a hook hand, and I thought perhaps...

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Conor McGregor F*ck You Pinstripe Suit

$6,500 from David August »

I don't know how long the rest of the world will remember the Conor McGregor vs. Floyd Mayweather fight after it's over, but anyone who drops $6,500 on a David August Fuck You pinstripe suit like the one McGregor wore...

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DC & Marvel Comics Suits

$169.99 - $349.99 from Fun.com Suits »

Holy Marvel of Washington DC, Batman! They made a suit out of you! As teased in a preview a couple weeks ago, Fun.com is releasing a line of men's (funny / monkey?) business suits in tribute to your favorite superheroes...

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Termitat Termite Desktop Display

$125 - $150 from Termitat »

If I got a Termitat and displayed it on my desktop I guarantee you the first thing that would happen is my cat Zanzibar would figure out a way to knock it over and bust it open and let a bunch of Dampwood Termites loose...

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The Fusion Wallet

$82 - $99 from The Fusion Wallet »

Twenty-five-year-old Thomas Johnson fabricates his cool, modern industrial Fusion Wallet from 12 separate CNC-machined aluminum and hardwood components. Gee. I'm almost a decade older than Johnson and I can hardly fabricate...

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Diamond Armor - $3.2 Million Bulletproof Suit

$3.2 million from SuitArt »

At $3.2 million, Swiss fashion house SuitArt's Diamond Armor has nabbed the title of Most Expensive Suit in the World. The current title. I will obliterate it next month when I debut my Diamond & Adamantium Armor for...

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Secret Wood Rings

$90 - $180 from Secret Wood »

Straight from a dream / snow globe / LOTR set to your finger. Secret Wood carves wearable enchantments, a line of rings topped with abstract and magical scenes of nature that look like visions inside rough-cut crystal...

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Kindling Cracker Firewood Splitter

$99.99 from Amazon »

I'm choppin' some wood, splittin' some kindlin', buildin' a fire...naw. I'm really just sitting at my keyboard eating some turkey & gravy potato chips. Yeah, I couldn't believe they were real when I saw the bag either...

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US State 3D Wood Topographic Maps

$75 - $125 from Etsy »

And if you go with Florida, you can use your 3D Wood Topographic Map as a perfectly level cutting board! Haha, Florida's flatter than piss on a plate. I've always wanted to ride a Schwinn 10 Speed top-to-bottom through...

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Zebra Electric Wooden Boat

It's seafaring time. The Zebra Boat from designer Dimitri Bez motors through the water with the elegance of a Chris-Craft, but its criss-crossing slats of solid wood laid on the bias create what is, to me, an even more...

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Penis Tuxedo

$29.95 from LELO »

How long has it been since someone said your penis looks "dapper?" For me, the answer is an emphatic "too long." The same goes for "snazzy," "handsome," and "just like Jon Hamm." I can only hope LELO's new TUX, a penis...

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Granberg Chainsaw Mill

$159 from Amazon »

If someone twisted my arm put me into a Half Nelson and demanded I select some form of manual labor as my Sunday Funday activity, Granberg's Chainsaw Mill would be my first choice....